An autistic man has the uncanny ability to turn any compliment into blisteringly cruel criticism, sources have revealed.

Ethan Stern, 33, gained his powers of transmutation at an early age, when a friend told him that she liked his hat, which he immediately interpreted as her saying that she thought he was ugly and had a stupid face.

Stern explained: “After that, I found that no matter what someone says to me – no matter how kind and well-intentioned – I can always turn it into some horrible dig. You might think you’ve got a watertight compliment, but I’ll always find a loophole. I’m like the monkey’s paw of thinking people secretly hate me.”

Stern’s manager, Des Ackerman, 32, witnessed the powers firsthand. “I said that Ethan was a joy to work with, and a pleasure to have on the team, and through a series of complex mental gymnastics he managed to convince himself that he was about to be fired and exiled to a secret island full of all the most hated people on the planet. Truly astonishing.”

When asked why he decided to make his powers public, a visibly upset Stern responded: “Oh god you think I shouldn’t have said anything, don’t you? You think I’m being all ‘Oooh, look at me’. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.”

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