An autistic woman is mystified as to why she’s woken up looking like an overripe banana, it has been claimed.

Pippa Durham, 34, regularly discovers injuries that seem to have appeared by stealth when she wasn’t looking, and has yet to find a biologically plausible explanation for them.

“Is it because I’m clumsy and oblivious?” Durham asked. “Or is it because I’m such a delicate, fragile little creature that I bruise just from carrying the handle of a shopping basket on my arm? My sister laughed at my new haircut the other day… Could that have done it?”

“People at work kept asking what was wrong, and all I could offer was that a nightmare-clown was probably beating me up in my sleep. They stopped asking after that.”

“I think I’m going to need to hire a professional makeup artist, plus one of those zorbing bubbles to live in full-time. Hang on, I’m just going to write that on my PIP form…”

“I guess it will just have to remain one of life’s mysteries,” said Durham, shortly before she stood up to leave and promptly collided with the doorframe.

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