An autistic man has recently been promoted to professor of criminology at a prestigious university as a result of his ongoing commitment to what he describes as a “funny little autistic joke”, sources have revealed.
Ethan Stern, 37, was appointed to the position at the start of the year, after a lifetime of keeping up an ongoing bit because there are apparently no lengths he won’t go to for a punchline.
“Honestly, this has gotten out of hand. It all started in school when a teacher found me reading a Sherlock Holmes story. She asked about it, and I thought it would be funny to say I wanted to go into criminology, you know? As a laugh. Before I knew it, teachers were meeting with my parents to ‘discuss my academic career’.”
Stern’s father, Gavin Stern, 60, commented: “I’m so, so proud of him. As a kid he was always picking up interests and putting them down, but once he found criminology he really stuck to it!”
Over the years, well-meaning family and friends bought Stern more and more books about criminology, prompting him to dress the part “just to lean into things”.
“I started wearing a deerstalker cap when I was 20,” Stern said. “I remember thinking, ‘gosh, this will be funny. Everyone will see that the criminology thing was a bit of a lark, and we’ll forget all about it’, but somehow no-one ever cottoned on to the joke, even though I drastically escalated the bit by studying criminology at university.”
Now a senior and respected subject matter expert in his field, Stern is convinced that everyone else is moments away from getting the joke and having a big old laugh. At the time of publication, Stern is due to read his latest paper to a room full of his peers, where he hopes the big reveal will become apparent and he’ll finally get the laughter he’s been working so hard for.
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