A man has suddenly decided to embrace being autistic, coincidentally at the exact moment he faces allegations of sexual misconduct at work, sources have claimed.
Wallace Murray, 45, has spent the past five years telling colleagues that everyone has a diagnosis now and there was none of this autism business in his day. He had an abrupt change of heart on being called in by senior management to discuss his constant sexual remarks and generally being a massive perve.
“This autism of mine is such an affliction,” he lamented. “It’s difficult for me to make eye contact, so I have to stare directly at women’s chests.”
He continued: “I have this total inability to understand subtle social cues, such as the word no.”
“I admit I was a bit thrown when female colleagues would say things like, ‘Fuck off, you dirty old man.’ Then I thought about it and decided that it meant they definitely wanted me to hang around their desks, leering and asking about their sex lives, and pat them on the bottom as they walked past.”
“I realise now that this was a mistake,” he admitted, before adding “but not a mistake that’s in any way my fault.”
Colleague Becky Armitage, 32, commented, “I’ve been autistic all my life and so far, I’ve managed to never sexually harass anybody. I think I should get a prize.”
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