An autistic person resentfully nursing a £5 diet coke in a noisy sticky hellhole is reportedly wondering when the “fun” part of being in a pub is due to start.

According to sources, Luca Mignon, 19, couldn’t wait to make their first trip to The Red Lion as they’d heard that pubs are supposed to be a right laugh, but they have never been so tempted to reopen their script for Citalopram.

They commented: “It is simultaneously too dark in here but somehow also too bright? I have to squint to see my friends’ faces in the gloom, but as soon as I glance away there’s about twenty blinding TV screens showing sports games. I’m certain one of the teams must be winning, but you wouldn’t know it: everyone watching looks fucking miserable.”

Mignon added: “I can’t hear anything anyone’s saying, either. The music’s deafening, and everyone’s yelling. There’s also cacophonous jingling from the slot machines scattered around the place like ominous robotic pickpockets.”

“And why is everything sticky? I made the mistake of putting my elbows on the table and now my whole arm needs a wash. Problem is it’s a 15-minute hike through a labyrinth of corridors just to get to the toilet, and then a sphinx made me answer a riddle before I could have a piss.”

When approached for follow-up comment, Mignon said: “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU. WHAT??” 

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