A Witchfinder General has reportedly revealed he is now qualified to diagnose autism – without having undergone any additional training.
Lucas Fletcher, 52, has been commended for the speed and accuracy of his assessments, working faster than most psychologists; he routinely sees over 50 patients a day, and is rumoured to be able to smell the miasma of neurodivergence at a hundred paces.
Fletcher attributes his success to the novel criteria he uses, which he claims is 100% accurate. “Firstly, do they bear the Devil’s brand? A tattoo representing some sort of tabletop role-playing game, or perhaps some depiction of a Star War or Legend of Zelda?”
“Some may instead be adorned with wicked gems and amulets – if the number of rings is equal to or greater than the number worn by Jacqueline Wilson in the diagnostic photo I keep on my desk, they must be sent to the ducking stool immediately!”
“If I am not yet sure, I offer them a job in data entry. If they are excited by the prospect of typing things into a spreadsheet for money, I send them straight to the gallows – I mean, I recommend a course of CBT with an experienced therapist.”
“If I am still in any doubt, I just accuse them of being a witch. If they’re not offended, well… yeah.”
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