An autistic woman’s weighted blanket is heavy with the collective sorrow of billions of human beings, sources have revealed. 

Ellie Mulligan, 35, first became aware that her blanket might not have been ethically sourced when she noticed a faint screaming sound coming from within the fabric. 

Mulligan said: “I decided to investigate after I realised it wasn’t just the electricity in the walls doing its normal background screaming.”

“Once I really started listening, I realised the buzz was billions of individual voices coming together in a communal howl of anguish,” Mulligan continued. “And then I started to be able to pick out individual complaints, which frankly isn’t that comforting during a meltdown.”

“It helps for me to focus on the more trivial ones. Like, sorry, Paige Thomas from Elton, but I don’t give a fuck if you were going for Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction with your new fringe but it’s made you look like Spock.”

“I could get a refund,” Mulligan added. “But that’s a lot of effort. I’m sure it’ll be fine once the world rights itself and everyone cheers up a bit.”

Like what you’re reading? Make us your new special interest! Help us grow The Daily Tism by sharing our articles, following us on Instagram, Bluesky  TikTok and Facebook, shouting us a coffee on Ko-Fi or joining our bonus-content-packed Club for Terrible Autistics by subscribing to our Patreon. 

You can also watch episodes one and two of our sketch show, The Daily Tism News, in collaboration with Turtle Canyon Comedy and tune into our podcast, Autistic Women Oversharing to find out WAY too much about our writers.