Lest we forget! Autistic woman begins fifty-two minute silence during haircut
An autistic woman has commenced a sustained silence at her biannual trip to the hairdresser, eyewitnesses have said. Sarah Harrow, 31, from Dingle, claims to have taken the period of silent contemplation as “a mark of respect”, and definitely not because she struggles with awkward…
Fifth exclamation mark successfully compensates for social skills
A fifth exclamation mark has successfully masked an autistic man’s social awkwardness, it has been confirmed. Ryan Wilkins, 34, who struggles to compose work emails without sounding like a regency gentleman challenging a rival to a duel, recently decided that five exclamation points were the...
Autistic woman accused of bullying just trying to flirt
An autistic woman accused of picking on her crush was actually attempting to seduce him with witty banter, it has been rumoured. Niamh Callaghan, 26, has defended her behaviour towards Ben Espenson, 28, on the grounds that she was “doing a bit”. Callaghan explained: “All...
Impressive! Autistic woman with EDS forms never-before-seen pose at yoga class
An autistic woman with the connective tissue disorder Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome has debuted a brand new pose at a yoga class that nobody asked for or knows how to handle, according to reports. Ffiona Maw, 32, from Carlisle, reportedly heard screams from the surrounding women in...
Kinky! This autistic woman fantasises about earning a living wage
An autistic woman has confessed to frequently fantasising about making enough money to survive, sources have claimed. Certified freak Paige Thomas, 28, becomes extremely aroused whenever she imagines herself in a position of relative financial stability. Her most perverse fantasies include having a roof over...
“So it’s a mental disorder?” Neurotypical woman making right hash of asking you about autism
A non-autistic woman trying to ask you about “your autism” has already fucked it by calling it “your autism”, sources have stated. Karen Hoyland, 42, doesn’t want to pry into your “condition” but also very much does want to pry – and if she can...
Big questions! Woman ponders whether constant crushing lonely feeling is due to autism or queerness
An autistic queer woman is wondering whether the excruciating sense of isolation she feels at all times is because she’s autistic or because she’s attracted to women, sources have revealed. Miya Wilkes, 29, from Leeds, regularly feels like an alien in society – yet remains...
Outlier! Newly diagnosed autistic woman has no plans to write memoir
A woman who very recently discovered she is autistic has today made the shocking announcement that she has no imminent plans to write an autobiography. Siobhan Moorton, a white middle-class woman who was diagnosed as autistic last month at the age of 30, has defied...
Wait for me! Conversation moving on before autistic woman is ready
An autistic woman has been left devastated after having watched a conversation galloping away from her before she felt able to contribute with a witty response, eyewitnesses have reported. Miya Wilkes, 32, from Ormskirk, was far too busy planning the perfect moment to insert a...
Autistic woman “doesn’t know” why she always sounds “sarcastic”
An autistic woman reportedly has “no idea” why everything she says sounds like “sarcasm”, even when she’s being “sincere”. Emma Bernard, 29, told reporters that she has always had this “problem” but the harder she “tries” to inject genuine enthusiasm into her “voice”, the more...
World falls apart after autistic woman takes eye off timeline for one second
The world has gone to shit because one autistic woman momentarily stopped doomscrolling on Bluesky, it has been confirmed. Emma Bernard, 38, issued a statement today, admitting to “having an early night” when November’s US election results came in and taking full responsibility for the...
Autistic woman agonising over croissant pun or painfully sincere Valentine’s card
An autistic woman is reportedly debating between a seriously unfunny joke or an earnestly heartfelt Valentine’s Day card, it has been rumoured. Beth Hapworth, 32, from Elton, has spent three hours and 42 minutes despairing in the stationery aisle of her local Tesco Express, due...
Autistic man having shutdown in art gallery mistaken for Rodin’s The Thinker
A man having an autistic shutdown in an art gallery has been mistaken for Auguste Rodin’s The Thinker, sources have revealed. Naveed Azkhat, 32, became overwhelmed at the busy, brightly lit gallery and decided to rest on a chair in one of the exhibition rooms...
