Autistic Goldilocks rejects bears’ porridge due to needing very particular spoon
An autistic woman has declined three bowls of porridge belonging to three bears due to requiring a specific spoon to eat them with, it has been reported. The woman, 21, a petty criminal from Sherwood, known only by her gang nickname, Goldilocks, allegedly snuck in…
Autistic woman hides crush by just being weird with everybody
An autistic woman has identified a foolproof way of obscuring her romantic feelings – by ensuring every encounter is as sufficiently weird as the last one. And according to Paige Thomas, 29, from Stockport – she’s never even had to try. “I just behave strangely...
“I’m just going to veg out on my sofa today” says autistic man who just vegges out on sofa every day
An autistic man who announced plans to “have a chilled one on the couch today” neglected to mention that he has a chilled one on the couch every day, it has been rumoured. Dexter Livingstone, 37, claimed that he needed the rest after a long...
Autistic woman to apologise for apologising until she runs out of oxygen
Concerns are growing for an autistic woman’s oxygen supplies as she enters a third day of her perpetual apology loop, emergency services have said. Beth Hapworth, 21, initially apologised to girlfriend Emma Bernard, 23, for Bernard’s period pains. On being told “you don’t need to...
Organised! Woman already in touch with therapist after family Christmas
An autistic woman has already contacted her therapist to arrange a session after spending Christmas in her childhood home, reports have indicated. Miya Wilkes, 29, made the decision to return to her hometown of Runcorn during the festive period, in the vague hope that it...
New Year’s resolution! Autistic person proposes Meet-Free Mondays
An autistic person has confirmed their New Year’s resolution is adopting “Meet-Free Mondays”, according to reports. Jay Chester, 34, from Preston, said: “I’ve gave up eating animals ages ago. This is about me enjoying my Richmond meat-free sausages in a solitary space where nobody else...
Fucked it! Autistic woman hurls 2025 diary into volcano after making minor error on first page
An autistic woman has insisted she has “absolutely fucked it” after making a slight spelling mistake on the first page of her 2025 diary, sources have confirmed. Natasha Weaving, 34, from Rhyl, had just written down a resolution to be more “environmentally friendly” in the...
Tragic! New Year’s Eve dress that makes you look the hottest hurts the most
An autistic woman has been left “distraught” after discovering that a New Year’s outfit that makes her look as “fit as fuck” absolutely kills, according to sources. Paige Thomas, 26, from Fazakerley, had optimistically ordered the sequinned wrap mini-dress in the Boxing Day sales –...
2025! Non-autistics convinced arbitrary date change will fix everything
Allistic people have expressed excitement that humanity will magically reset itself on the first of January, it has been announced. In a statement released today, neurotypicals conveyed their relief that “this horrible year is nearly over,” asserting the belief that an arbitrary change in year...
Cartoon character? Autistic woman just wears the one outfit
Despite owning an entire wardrobe full of clothes, an autistic woman continues to opt for the same outfit daily – for reasons that continue to remain a mystery. Krista Shure, 31, from Cheshire, picks her favourite pair of skinny jeans and white cotton T-shirt every...
“No, but really!” Autistic woman only person whose negative self-talk is true
An autistic woman is the only person in the world whose negative self-talk is based in reality, said autistic woman has announced. Beth Hapworth, 37, recognises that imposter syndrome is a thing – but has explained that she doesn’t have it, as she is, in...
New year, new me! Autistic woman decides this is the year she’s going to be a massive liability on purpose
An autistic woman has made just one resolution for 2026 – to be as much of a menace as possible, sources have revealed. Ffiona Maw, 36, considered learning Spanish or joining the gym next year, but decided instead to quit suppressing her authentic self in...
Crisis report! Family just won’t leave
In a recent alarming report, even though Christmas is over, your extended family is refusing to depart the premises. Despite autistic people supposedly having a reputation for not cottoning on to social cues, it’s your neurotypical Aunt Alma currently missing multiple hints that her presence...
