An autistic man has issued a statement calling on the public not to kink shame him over his unusual choice of masturbatoy material.  Onanist, Cameron Brereton, 28, explained that he has eschewed mainstream pornography in favour of the 2018 horror movie, A Quiet Place. Brereton’s...

An apparent zombie sighting has since been revealed to be an autistic woman who had zoned out of a situation she wished she wasn’t physically present in, sources have confirmed.  Emma Bernard, 31, from Bolton, was in fact alive and breathing whilst cousin Megan Aldrich,...

An autistic man has demanded a recount after his hyper-specific Halloween costume failed to impress judges at a costume contest.  Lloyd Didcot, 45, was reportedly “shocked and outraged” when not a single judge correctly identified that he was dressed as Paul Tanner, second trombonist in...

An autistic man has had his rejection-sensitive dysphoria triggered after a ghost booed him, it has been reported. Avid ghost hunter Lucas Fletcher, 32, always hoped to encounter a disembodied spirit – but was left “devastated” when an apparition of a beheaded monk instantly disapproved...

An autistic woman who swore she spotted a pink willy witches coven actually stumbled across a hen night, it has been confirmed.  Emma Bernard, 25, from Liverpool, observed the terrifying scene whilst walking home through the city centre last Saturday evening.  Bernard explained: “A loud...

An autistic woman recently inspired by The Exorcist (1973) is refusing to leave her bed this Halloween, according to reports.  Siobhan Moorton, 34, from Newton-le-Willows, issued the statement: “I’m not depressed, I’m possessed.”  “Honestly, I’ve been having such a rough mental health time recently,” Moorton’s...

An auDHD woman is basically a serial killer but for special interests, authorities have claimed. Police discovered a vast graveyard of remnants of bygone special interests in the residence of Ffiona Maw, 40, with the accused allegedly having kept trophies from over 200 victims.  PC...

An autistic person about to risk running into somebody they knew in public described themselves as “grateful” to be dragged away by a scary clown, say sources. Kit McGodden, 26, was walking through the ASDA car park when they spotted former schoolteacher Sarah Harrow, 56,...

An autistic woman in a slasher movie has become the final girl by default thanks to her aversion to picking up phone calls. Lottie Fitzgerald, 21, was reportedly the intended victim of anonymous murderer, Ghostface, but despite numerous attempts, she could not be contacted.  Ghostface...

An autistic woman doesn’t have to wait until Halloween to freak herself out due to grappling with existential despair 365 nights a year, it has been reported.  Every evening, Niamh Callaghan, 31, from Manchester, journeys through a real-life horror film – happening in her head. ...