Autistic woman really sorry to bother you with her friendship
An autistic woman has spent every single moment of her friendship with you worried that she’s intruding on your precious time here on Earth, it has been revealed. Megan Aldrich, 24, reportedly loves talking to you for the fleeting moment before she starts worrying she’s…
Passé! Autistic woman’s new joint pain just a derivative cover of the old ones
An autistic woman’s new joint pain is just a pale imitation of her past joint pain, according to critics. Mandeep Kaur’s latest hit is an ache in her hips that worsens whenever she attempts to live, breathe or exist. Critics agree that the 47-year-old’s newest...
Autistic woman talented at everything except anything useful
An autistic woman can demonstrate an impressive range of skills and abilities, all of which have one characteristic in common: they are of absolutely no use to her or anybody else, sources have claimed. Ellie Mulligan, 55, was dismayed to discover that, in spite of...
Brave! Random man frothing at mouth to police your hidden disability
A very brave abled man has made it his personal mission to protect public facilities from anyone who doesn’t look disabled enough, sources have claimed. Robert Noot, 64, a self-proclaimed champion of those poor disableds, reportedly enjoys nothing more than “calling out” people with disabled...
Autistic woman happy to be godmother unless it means interacting with child
An autistic woman would love to be godmother to your child as long as she doesn’t have to actually do anything for her, sources have said. Miya Wilkes, 35, makes sure to politely enquire after your daughter whenever the two of you catch up, but...
Country with bullet vending machines makes preventing autism a priority
Headline by Sarah Amero A country that distributes bullets like they’re chocolate bars has decided that eradicating autism is one of its top priorities, it has been reported. The USA, where you can pick up eggs, milk and lethal ammunition in the same supermarket run,...
Boss who scheduled unspecified chat better actually be firing you after all this
Your boss, who emailed you at quarter to five on a Friday asking if you can come to their office for “a quick catch up” on Monday morning, better actually be shitcanning you after wrecking your entire weekend, you have announced. Tricia Squire, 48, reportedly...
Two autistics making eye contact cause entire cosmos to shift
A pair of autistic lovers have caused a celestial disturbance following a “once-in-a-generation” ocular alignment, astrophysicists have said. Professor Natasha Weaving, who made the discovery, has reportedly been left “stunned” by the revelation that seemingly inconsequential human occurrences can materially alter the fabric of existence. ...
Seems reasonable! Autistic woman tasks self with fixing whole world
An autistic woman has set herself the entirely feasible task of singlehandedly fixing all the ills of the world, her loved ones have claimed. Ima Onwugbenu, 35, a librarian from Cheshire, has reportedly decided that she is personally responsible for ending capitalism, famine, genocide, climate...
Checkmate! Autistic woman finally leaves her therapist speechless
An autistic woman has finally left her therapist speechless with a trauma dump that even he is powerless to respond to, it has been reported. Navya Randhawa, 29, has been seeing therapist Ben Espenson, 55, for three years, in which time he has helped her...
Autistic woman finally free after running out of fucks to give
An autistic woman has been liberated from guilt, worry and an unending cycle of avoidable conflict by officially handing in her last fuck, it has been confirmed. Brenda Hernández, 45, who until recently had spent her life oscillating between fawning responses and explosive outbursts, issued...
Autistic man at networking event covertly edging towards buffet table
An autistic man at a networking event is hoping no one has noticed him quietly edging towards the buffet table, according to reports. By some accident of fate, 26-year-old Jack Harrington has found himself at a networking drinks for sales professionals. Although the other attendees...
Autistic man in hyperfocus fails to notice hunger, thirst or home robbery
An autistic man hyperfocusing on his special interest has failed to notice the passage of time, his basic bodily needs, and the gang of hoodlums ransacking his home, authorities have claimed. Jack Harrington, 42, who started building a homemade automatic plant-watering system earlier this morning,...
