“Spoiled” autistic child would rather not be in constant sensory hell
An “overly pampered” autistic child would prefer to not feel like everything is perpetually flashing, screeching and smacking her directly in the brain, sources have confirmed. Six-year-old Mary Walker, who flies into inexplicable rages when everything in her immediate environment goes bleepy bloopy bleep blorp,…
Autistic doom-monger never less pleased to say I told you so
An autistic person accused for the last decade of being a “harbinger of doom” has never been less thrilled about being correct, it has been revealed. Eli Port, 30, who usually relishes the moment they get to say “I told you so”, has conceded that,...
Government to “reform” support for autistic children in schools by just scrapping it all together
New proposals to overhaul special needs education for autistic and disabled children are set to remove the right to an education, health and care plan (EHCP) in favour of a new model, in which children are simply told to get the fuck on with it,...
“My fault?” Mum determined to make your autism diagnosis all about her
Your mother is determined to make your late autism diagnosis all about herself somehow, it has been announced. Tricia Squire, 54, has reportedly decided to process your life-changing news by listing everything she remembers eating during her pregnancy 30 years ago and querying if “maybe...
Unsubscribe! Autistic man illegally storing your data in his brain
An autistic man has found himself in breach of the Data Protection Act after illegally accumulating an encyclopaedia of information about you in his own memory, it has been reported. Dexter Livingstone, 45, accused of storing facts about everyone he’s ever met without their permission...
Tragic! People think this woman is just TOO pretty to be autistic
A young woman is frequently disbelieved about her autism because she’s just too gosh darn attractive to be lumped in with the rest of us bridge trolls, it has been announced. Paige Thomas, 24, meets all the diagnostic criteria for ASD, yet finds that many...
Breaking: DSM-5 hastily updated to account for Gregg Wallace’s underpants
In breaking news, the DSM-5 has been updated in the last 24 hours to include plausible deniability for Gregg Wallace, specifically. The manual, used by psychologists to diagnose a range of conditions and neurodivergences, previously mentioned that autistic people can experience sensory issues – but...
Autistic woman unable to start conversations discovers talent for bringing them to a screeching halt
An autistic woman who struggles to start conversations has discovered a talent for bringing them to an abrupt and uncomfortable end, sources have said. Paige Thomas, 44, never knows what to say when speaking to friends and family, but, once she finally works up the...
Inclusive! Workplace happy to offer any adjustments except ones you asked for
Your employer is proud to be able to offer a range of reasonable adjustments – that is, apart from the few you had the audacity to request, according to reports. In a statement issued today, the company commented: “Nothing is too much trouble – except...
Autistic woman feels like Sylvanian Family hamster stranded in Barbie World
An autistic woman’s experience is akin to being an anthropomorphic animal figurine that’s found itself living in a perfect pink world in Malibu against its will, sources have revealed. Paige Thomas, 32, reportedly feels confused as to why she’s unwillingly found herself in a kingdom...
Autism very trendy these days, says woman who doesn’t watch the news
A woman who has no idea what’s going on in the world believes you’re pretending to be autistic for the street cred, it has been discovered. Tricia Squire, 63, from Florida, thinks young people are diagnosing themselves for the instant popularity she believes autism commands...
Advertorial: Whaaat? This cishet autistic white dude with beard actually has Edinburgh show worth seeing
A cisgender, heterosexual autistic white guy with a beard has wowed commentators by having an Edinburgh Fringe show that people actually want to go and see on purpose, it has been claimed. Do Zombies Dream of Undead Sheep? is performed by The Woodlouse, whose stage name conveniently sounds...
Autistic person successfully ignores bladder for another hour of scrolling
An autistic person has successfully managed to ignore their bladder so they can scroll pointlessly for one more hour, according to sources. Navya Randhawa, 40, desperately needed the bathroom approximately 30 minutes ago. Instead of relieving themselves, they have been continuously refreshing Instagram in the...
