Beanie Baby listening to you vent doesn’t think you’re being unreasonable
The Beanie Baby listening to your latest frustrated rant thinks you’re totally in the right, according to reports. Mark, 16, a cuddly buffalo with dinky beanbag hooves, has been perched attentively on your bed, watching with calm round eyes as you tearfully offload about your...
Autistics propose menstrual amnesty during heatwave
An autistic lobbying group has called for all uteri to pause hostilities while heatwave conditions continue, it has been reported. The group, known as For Uterine Calm Knowing it’s Sweltering, Awful and Kafkaesque Everywhere (FUCKSAKE), is advocating for a temporary blanket ban on any and...
All this autistic woman’s friends suddenly engaged, but look how much custard she has
A single autistic woman is much happier than expected, having rounded off witnessing a succession of other people’s engagements by taking home an enormous jug of custard, sources have revealed. Paige Thomas, 30, was heard to cry, “Yes! A thousand times, yes!” when asked if...
Innovative! Sci-fi series creates yet another species of autistic-coded aliens
Beloved long-running adventure series Celestial Stroll is to introduce its 14th autistic-coded alien species, its creators revealed at a convention this weekend. Head writer Jack Harrington, 52, told excited fans: “We are delighted to introduce new species ‘the Autisticons’! We’re going to follow a young...
Autistic woman due for sudden attack of The Sadness for no discernible reason
An autistic woman in an Entirely Fine period of her life is reportedly about to be hit with a profound wave of melancholy, just because. Noriko Hamazaki, 38, bounced out of bed after a restful sleep, threw on her comfortable dungarees and cycled to her...
Mother of autistic daughter excited about all the self-pitying newspaper columns she’ll get out of it
An aspiring Telegraph columnist is “thrilled” that her four-year-old daughter is autistic, due to all the hand-wringing articles she can get out of it about her horror at not getting exactly the child she wanted, throughout the daughter’s teens and even well into her adult...
Autistic woman beginning to think of favourite clothing brand as friend
An autistic woman has somehow managed to form a parasocial relationship with her favourite clothes shop, it has been noted. Ellie Mulligan, 39, who spends every penny of her meagre disposable income at online boutique Little Lies, has reportedly anthropomorphised the shop to the point...
Autistic message ends text chain forever
An autistic person’s seemingly inoffensive text message has caused the recipient to stop replying altogether, it has been reported. Des Ackerman, 19, was chatting to new friend Alma Montague, 20, about improv when they sent a message that spelled the end of the conversation, and...
Workplace autism awareness day triggers workplace autism self-awareness day
A well-meaning corporate autism awareness day has had the unintended effect of triggering an extended bout of self-awareness in an autistic staff member, according to sources. Graeme Hart, 36, thought he was turning up for a normal workday, only to be bundled into a meeting...
Autistic woman successfully performs womanhood long enough to be complimented by another woman
An autistic woman has succeeded in projecting the image of a regular adult lady just long enough to earn the admiration of an actual regular adult lady, sources have claimed. Tricia Squire, 36, managed to style her bridesmaid’s dress in a way that made it...