Autistic person who hates to be touched clings to one chosen individual like they’re made of Velcro®
An autistic person with an intense aversion to human touch nonetheless wishes to be touching one specific human at all times, it has been claimed. Kit McGodden, 39, has spent their life ducking and weaving to avoid hugs at social gatherings. They once feigned uncontrollable...
Justifications for buying more dice become ever more elaborate
An autistic woman who plays Dungeons & Dragons has been concocting increasingly elaborate and convoluted reasons to buy more new dice, eyewitnesses have claimed. Talia Cohen, 27, got into tabletop roleplaying games last year, where she started with a single set of dice in a plain red...
Recreate YOUR childhood trauma with new Autistic Barbie!
Announcing the new and improved Autistic Barbie from Mattel! With their fixed smiles, awkward limbs and glazed expressions, autistic women everywhere are reportedly going to love playing with this new toy, perfect for evoking their most beloved painful memories. Why not recreate all your least...
Autism assessments outsourced to Sir Mix-a-Lot
Following recent headlines suggesting that a prominent backside may be a sign of neurodivergence, the world’s leading expert on prominent backsides has agreed to become an autism assessor, according to reports. Sir Mix-a-Lot, 62, one of the only celebrities not to have a Controversies section...
Comfortable silence reaches sixth glorious hour
Two autistic friends have been sitting on the same sofa together all afternoon without needing to interact with each other in any way, sources have reported. Their comfortable, shared silence has just reached its sixth glorious hour. Talia Cohen, 20, is currently playing a puzzle...
Mind the gap! Man gives back autism diagnosis after love of trains is tested by a trip on the Circle Line
A man is seeking to return his autism diagnosis, having changed his mind about his enthusiasm for trains after actually riding on one, it has been revealed. Dexter Livingstone, 25, rode the London Underground from Liverpool Street to Hammersmith during rush hour in July. His...
Boyfriend indistinguishable from fidget toy
An autistic woman’s boyfriend reportedly does everything a fidget spinner can – and everything it can’t. Ryan Wilkins, 33, allegedly has many excellent qualities or something, but most importantly he is a portable collection of pleasing surfaces and textures that are fun to play with,...
Autistic man insists collection of holes held together by threads is “just a little worn”
Headline by John Butler A set of tattered rags loosely held together by fraying threads that no longer remotely resemble a hoodie still has “plenty of wear left”, an autistic man has claimed. Dexter Livingstone, 48, reportedly refuses to give up on the beloved garment,...
Advertorial: Autistic woman misdiagnosed with every mental illness under the sun finally correctly diagnosed as hilarious
A late-diagnosed autistic woman who spent an eventful few decades in mental-health services has been identified at last as a comedy writer, readers of her debut book, All My Worldly Joy, have discovered. The Daily Tism writer, Laura Richmond, 38, had never considered the possibility...
Autistic man sets reminder to nod during friend’s lengthy monologue
An autistic man listening to his friend’s tedious droning has surreptitiously set a reminder on his phone to remind him when to nod and smile, sources have revealed. Naveed Azkhat, 26, has reportedly finally discovered a conversation topic so dull that he’s had to resort...
