Woman who didn’t go to war still fucking hates fireworks
An autistic woman is opposed to letting off local fireworks for entirely selfless reasons, reports have indicated. Niamh McGodden, 25, from Allerton, has suddenly become invested in the welfare of ex-serving members of the military – and not just because she finds the sound of...
Child without autism label still autistic as fuck
A child whose parents refused to “give them the autism label” is still, inexplicably, autistic as fuck, it has been rumoured. Despite her parents declining to label her, Megan Aldrich, seven, still refuses to eat foods that are touching, smile for the camera or believe...
Non-autistic woman enjoys special interest to despairingly normal levels
An autistic woman has found a non-autistic colleague’s lack of interest in something they claimed to enjoy immensely troubling, sources have confirmed. When Emma Bernard, 31, learned her co-worker Miya Wilkes, 34, liked British sitcom The Royle Family, she couldn’t wait to re-enact every...
Inspiring! Autistic woman dedicates entire life to pointing out typos
In an altruistic move, an autistic woman has quit her job as an orthodontist to become a full-time corrector of other people’s mistakes. Emma Bernard, 38, first took up pedantry as a hobby, but has recently decided that life is too short not to spend...
Stranded autistic astronaut: “I’m not fucking coming back”
An autistic astronaut stranded on Mars has resisted attempts at rescue, insisting that she would rather spend the rest of her life in space than live one more day on Earth. Kelsey Dacey, 39, a British astrophysicist, became stuck on the planet after her shuttle...
Autistic child trick-or-treating with blue bucket grateful to be singled out for once
An autistic boy who was given a blue bucket to trick-or-treat with to ensure everybody knows he’s different is just grateful to be singled out for once, his parents have said. Finley Rice, seven, had merely planned to put on a Batman costume and go...
“Zombie” just autistic person with sleep disorder
A terrifying pasty-skinned wreck spotted shuffling towards the bus stop has turned out to be an autistic person with Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder, authorities have claimed. Kit McGodden, 37, from Harpurhey, was misidentified as being one of the living dead after they were seen staggering...
Fine! Satan gives in after 15 weeks of negotiations for autistic woman’s soul
An autistic woman has officially become the first person to ever to out-negotiate Satan, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 45, has claimed that she entered into negotiations with the Prince of Darkness in good faith – but talks over the terms of her soul...
Tragic! Autistic woman dies after making wildly inappropriate joke
An autistic woman has died on her arse following yet another gag unsuitable for her workplace, it has been confirmed. Niamh Montague, 29, from Hull, was sitting in the shared office during the Friday afternoon conversation – which had previously included topics such as Tricia...
AuDHD ghost late for haunting died ten years and two days ago this very night
A motorist has once again failed to pick up the ghost of AuDHD woman on the anniversary of her death, sources have revealed, as she completely forgot she was meant to turn up at all until two days later. Cameron Brereton, 32, did not pick...
