Role model! Teacher inspires autistic teens to stop going to school
A teacher has been praised for promoting the belief that autistic young people can do anything they put their mind to – even, apparently, staying the fuck away from her. Karen Hoyland, 45, teaches Citizenship at a secondary school, where she prides herself on creating...
Sorry, I don’t work here! Autistic man rearranging stationery aisle just for the thrill of it
An autistic man has clarified that he does not work at his local branch of TG Jones (née WH Smith), and would appreciate it if fellow customers could stop interrupting his flow while he’s enjoying time with the pens, a statement has revealed. Robert Noot, 54, who is...
Things begin to look up for autistic woman after shop assistant calls her “love”
An autistic woman has reportedly realised that everything is going to be okay after an older woman working in a shop called her “love”. Karen Hoyland, 36, was feeling like a swamp gremlin until she walked into a cake shop staffed by 60-year-old Alma Montague,...
Oh no! Autistic woman loses all respect for colleague after learning he uses ChatGPT
An autistic woman has had to mentally downgrade her colleague from “decent enough bloke” to “empty-headed slopliker” after learning that he uses ChatGPT at work like that’s a normal and fine thing to do, sources have revealed. Natasha Weaving, 37, made the chilling discovery on Monday when...
AuDHD woman spends entire show thinking about everything else she could be watching
An AuDHD woman’s enjoyment of the thing she’s currently watching has been greatly increased by persistent FOMO for all the things she’s currently not watching, sources have claimed. Abeer Zaki, 34, reportedly spent an “agonising” 45 minutes attempting to find the perfect viewing material to...
Dark cosy nook delighted to see you again
The dark corner of your flat where you curl up and hide in the evening is once again looking forward to sheltering you from the bright and terrible complexities of the world, it has been reported. The Dark Cosy Nook, two, which started its life...
BREAKING: Other people don’t feel sick before leaving the house
An investigation by The Daily Tism has found that other people do not feel genuinely and profoundly sick at the thought of having to go out. According to our sources, suddenly feeling ill before you have to embark on plans you made is rarely experienced...
Help! Parents running out of euphemisms for undiagnosed autistic child
A couple are becoming increasingly unhinged in the language that they use to describe their daughter, who is obviously autistic but must never, ever, ever be named as such, according to sources. Becky and Lloyd Didcot, 39 and 41, feel that an autism diagnosis carries...
Women in male fields! This female autism researcher hates women
A prominent autism researcher has reportedly proven she can shit on autistic women as well as any man in the field. In a recent interview, Professor Karen Hoyland argued that women who claim to be autistic are just angling for a diagnosis, since researchers like...
Mental simulations of people getting angry at you bound to pay off any day now
Mentally rehearsing arguments that will never happen is sure to serve you well at some point, sources have claimed. Your brain has reportedly acted as an arena for a never-ending series of hypothetical conflicts since you were young. In nearly every case, your imaginary sparring...
