Dyspraxic autistic woman visiting your home totally meant to walk into the airing cupboard
A dyspraxic autistic woman has confirmed that she absolutely, definitely intended to make a quick trip to your airing cupboard instead of the upstairs loo, eyewitnesses have said. Alma Montague, 41, who has visited your home no fewer than seven times now, finished her second...
Study finds touch “tolerable” under highly specific conditions
Being touched can, in very specific circumstances and with sufficient levels of mitigating factors, be a bearable activity between consenting adults, a groundbreaking new study has revealed. The team of autistic researchers at the Institute for Tolerable Contact conducting the study, reportedly undertook various experiments...
Autistic woman can have work or dignity but not both
An autistic woman whose government is desperate for her to experience the “dignity of work” cannot experience “dignity” and “work” at the same time, it has been claimed. Megan Aldrich, 30, works full time in an attempt to avoid starving to death, but is forced...
Autistic woman only good at body language when she’s talking to cats
An autistic woman whose resting body language says “any second I will snap and rain down fire and brimstone upon you” reportedly has no such issues when it comes to unspoken communication with cats. Alma Montague, 34, who routinely keeps her arms folded tightly over...
Autistic woman left at the altar just glad she’s got the afternoon free now
An autistic woman who has been left at the altar at her wedding is quietly relieved to have the time back, according to witnesses. Talia Cohen, 34, was jilted by her husband-to-be Gavin Monks, 34, after he revealed he had been having second thoughts. Cohen...
Mirror wishes it could give you tips on facial expressions
After living unobtrusively in your hallway for the past six years, your mirror has been getting more and more furious at your inability to do anything right with your stupid face. Today, the mirror finally cracked and decided to stage an intervention, it has been...
Uncanny! Autistic woman at every café somehow always seated under speaker
An autistic woman has reported a perplexing phenomenon whereby, regardless of venue or cuisine, upon entering a café and waiting to be seated she will always be led to the table closest to amplified sound. Paige Thomas, 28, reportedly initially put this down to coincidence,...
Brutal! Autistic woman’s self-punishment does not fit the crime
An autistic woman who has reportedly been punishing herself for a decade and a half only committed a minor social faux-pas in the first place, it has been reported. Ellie Mulligan, 35, reportedly sentenced herself 15 years ago to life without parole, doing hard emotional...
“You’ve only got mild autism” says mild twat
A complete and utter cockwomble has reportedly appointed themselves as an expert in your personal circumstances, deciding in their infinite wisdom that your autism is “only mild”. Local fucktrumpet Natasha Weaving, 39, whose concept of autism is limited to The Big Bang Theory and the...
NHS autism service so brightly lit that Blackpool have asked for their Illuminations back
Blackpool residents have called for an NHS autism assessment service to return the Illuminations to their rightful position at the seaside, after the service’s aggressive overhead lighting was mistaken for the luminous tourist attraction, sources have revealed. The Illuminations are five miles long and use...
