Period surprises autistic woman for 167th time in a row
The world’s most regular period has maliciously snuck up on an autistic woman with absolutely no warning for the 167th month in a row, sources have claimed. Sabeen Bhatt, 26, has been feeling bloated, cranky and inexplicably miserable over the course of the last week,...
Study finds touch “tolerable” under highly specific conditions
Being touched can, in very specific circumstances and with sufficient levels of mitigating factors, be a bearable activity between consenting adults, a groundbreaking new study has revealed. The team of autistic researchers at the Institute for Tolerable Contact conducting the study, reportedly undertook various experiments...
Autistic woman only good at body language when she’s talking to cats
An autistic woman whose resting body language says “any second I will snap and rain down fire and brimstone upon you” reportedly has no such issues when it comes to unspoken communication with cats. Alma Montague, 34, who routinely keeps her arms folded tightly over...
Uncanny! Autistic woman at every café somehow always seated under speaker
An autistic woman has reported a perplexing phenomenon whereby, regardless of venue or cuisine, upon entering a café and waiting to be seated she will always be led to the table closest to amplified sound. Paige Thomas, 28, reportedly initially put this down to coincidence,...
NHS autism service so brightly lit that Blackpool have asked for their Illuminations back
Blackpool residents have called for an NHS autism assessment service to return the Illuminations to their rightful position at the seaside, after the service’s aggressive overhead lighting was mistaken for the luminous tourist attraction, sources have revealed. The Illuminations are five miles long and use...
Exclusive! AuDHD woman has no idea what that alarm was meant to be for
An AuDHD woman whose phone alarm just went off has zero memory of what it was supposed to be reminding her to do, it has been confirmed. Pippa Durham, 46, was reportedly interrupted from her important task of staring into space by the inexplicably specific...
Autistic woman somehow manages to make cervical smear test even more awkward
A “pioneering” autistic woman has managed to take a social interaction in which a stranger takes a deep-dive into one’s genitalia and make it even more stressful, sources have confirmed. When Lottie Fitzgerald, 38, entered the clinic room for her routine cervical screening appointment, she...
Autistic woman dismayed to discover exercise really does help
An autistic woman is reportedly devastated after discovering that her doctor was right and that exercising is genuinely really good for you. Siobhan Moorton, 39, thought she was being fobbed off every time her GP suggested regular exercise to improve her physical and mental wellbeing....
New autism assessment criteria for girls to just ask about imaginary horse
Researchers have developed a new assessment tool designed to detect autism in girls and women, correcting decades of gender imbalance in the diagnostic process, it has been announced. Clinicians will be able to identify female autism in mere seconds by posing one simple question: “Do...
Witchfinder General now qualified as autism assessor
A Witchfinder General has reportedly revealed he is now qualified to diagnose autism – without having undergone any additional training. Lucas Fletcher, 52, has been commended for the speed and accuracy of his assessments, working faster than most psychologists; he routinely sees over 50 patients...
