Report: Autistic woman COULD try a little harder! Thanks!
An autistic woman has admitted that actually yeah, she probably isn’t trying hard enough, now that you mention it, it has been announced. In a statement released today, Alma Montague, 33, thanked you for your unsolicited advice about the amount of effort she could be...
“If only we could tell what people with autism were thinking” says researcher with fingers in ears
An autism researcher who believes it is “impossible to know what people with autism are thinking” also stuffs her ears with whatever she has handy whenever she actually encounters an autistic person, it has been revealed. Dr. Karen Hoyland has gone to extreme lengths to...
Fraud! Autistic woman’s brain writing cheques her body can’t cash
An autistic woman has been accused of fraud following reports of her emotional and energetic cheques bouncing, authorities have stated. Lottie Fitzgerald, 34, is due to appear in court later this month charged with “displaying unreasonable optimism with no basis in precedent”, as well as...
Pregnant autistic woman can use her birth plan as a coffee table
An autistic mother-to-be has produced a birth plan so substantial that it has been temporarily repurposed to furnish her home, sources have claimed. Avery Mann, 25, has written a document outlining her preferences in every possible scenario – and quite a few impossible ones. At...
Autistic woman asked where it hurts gestures vaguely at entire life
An autistic woman asked to describe the source of her pain has no idea where to begin, it has been reported. Miya Wilkes, 29, called an ambulance after suffering a fall at home. When paramedic Avery Mann, 39, arrived on the scene and asked her...
Every parent’s worst nightmare! Could your child be neurotypical?
Autistic parents have been warned to be vigilant for signs that their child could be afflicted with Neurotypical Spectrum Disorder, or NSD. Speaking in front of a parliamentary group, paediatrician Liz McHodge, 45, explained, “The causes of NSD are not yet fully understood. Some people...
Autistic doom-monger never less pleased to say I told you so
An autistic person accused for the last decade of being a “harbinger of doom” has never been less thrilled about being correct, it has been revealed. Eli Port, 30, who usually relishes the moment they get to say “I told you so”, has conceded that,...
Autism very trendy these days, says woman who doesn’t watch the news
A woman who has no idea what’s going on in the world believes you’re pretending to be autistic for the street cred, it has been discovered. Tricia Squire, 63, from Florida, thinks young people are diagnosing themselves for the instant popularity she believes autism commands...
Autistic woman masks flawlessly as portrait in her attic grows increasingly haggard
An autistic woman is reportedly so good at masking she is frequently mistaken for a neurotypical – while the monstrous portrait in her attic withers and decays at an alarming rate. Mary Walker, 33, nods and smiles in all the right places, says yes to...
Amazing! This neurotypical woman can assess your support needs from just your profile picture
A non-autistic woman has wowed experts with her uncanny ability to decipher exactly how disabled you are based solely on your online presence. Karen Hoyland, 48, only has to glance at your profile image and a handful of posts in order to declare you “very...
