Autistic monster under bed fine staying here, thanks
The autistic monster that lives under your bed is more than happy staying exactly where it is, according to reports. Gornak the Toecruncher, 15,000, made the statement yesterday, after coming to the realisation that it felt far happier staying under your bed than it has...
Seriously?? Autistic child already in sensory overload given sixth fucking sense
An autistic boy already overwhelmed by his existing five senses has, horrifyingly, acquired a sixth one, it has been rumoured. Nine-year-old Cole Seer, who has struggled his whole life with sensory processing disorder (SPD) has now added extra-sensory processing (ESP) to his growing list of...
Public warned to stop armchair diagnosing celebrities as neurotypical
The general public has been asked to stop assuming all celebrities are people with neurotypicalism, as it’s impossible to make that judgment without proper qualifications. Dr. Karen Hoyland, a researcher at the Institute for Tea, Biccies and ITV, made the statement explaining that neurotypicalism is...
Still here? In any other century, this autistic person would have perished a long time ago
An autistic history student has been contemplating an era before gluten-free bread and 24-hour pharmacies, and has confirmed they would have been absolutely fucked. Luca Mignon, 21, has consumed so many antibiotics in their lifetime that they are rumoured to be single-handedly responsible for MRSA....
Researchers find autism somehow doubles when on holiday
Autism “doubles” when on holiday, a landmark new study by The Institute for Why Are We Like This has revealed. Dr. Graeme Hart announced the breakthrough, confirmed in a press conference, that conclusive proof has been discovered not just of autism symptoms doubling, but of...
Autistic woman’s fragile state of mind revealed in increasingly dark crochet animals
An autistic woman who stated that she’s “Fine, honestly, fine. Fine! Why does everyone keep asking?!” has been unintentionally revealing her spiralling mood through her art, concerned bystanders have reported. Krista Shure, 23, who thinks she’s taken up a sweet, creative hobby crocheting teeny tiny...
New Uta Frith test to determine if you’re doing autism correctly
The existing diagnostic process of detailed interviews, forms, and observations is to be replaced by a few quick questions which will determine whether you are the genuine article or just a big fake autistic, one rent-a-gob psychologist has announced. The new screening tool, entitled Rain...
Autistic “social hangover” like regular hangover but requires even more painkillers and fried food
The common autistic experience of a “people hangover” is similar to an ordinary hangover, but without any alcohol or fun beforehand, a study has confirmed. Autistic researcher Dr. Alix Gardner conducted a series of experiments on themselves by attending social gatherings and rating on a...
Autistic man furious at own lack of immediate perfection
An autistic man who attempted to try something new has become instantly furious at his apparent lack of professional-level skills in the new activity, it has been reported. Lloyd Didcot, 36, decided on a whim to learn coin magic from a book, using the justification...
Autistic Benjamin Button excited to see what comorbidity he’ll lose next
An autistic man who ages in reverse says he cannot wait to see what health issue he’ll get to cast off next. Benjamin Button, who was born at 100 and is currently on his way back to a sprightly 45, looks forward to every passing...