Dentists weigh in: “You’re autistic because you don’t floss”
Dentists have spoken out against the myth that vaccines cause autism, instead claiming that a lack of flossing is to blame. Eli Port, 43, made the connection when they realised that none of their autistic patients were regular flossers – and swiftly published a paper...
Autism assessment mostly based on vibes, admits therapist
Your autism assessor diagnosed you the second you walked into her office, tearfully fidgeting with your neon pink hair, it has been rumoured. Clinical psychologist Tricia Squire, 45, has admitted that she took one look at your whole deal and was like “well, let’s go...
Romanticist? This autistic woman just applied for PIP
An autistic woman who applied for a long-term disability benefit is trying not to think about the fact the very idea is just a stab in the dark, reports have confirmed. Miya Wilkes, 33, from Walton, fantasises about having her lifelong struggles affirmed by a...
Autistic woman suspects baby didn’t actually write in her birthday card
An autistic woman has begun to question whether her eight-month-old nephew actually wrote a message in her birthday card, it has been reported. The message addressed to Karen Hoyland, 25, reads, “Happy birthday Aunty Karen! Lots of love from Finley”. Despite his father’s insistence, Hoyland...
Expert! This autistic woman collects comorbidities
An autistic woman has reportedly wowed experts with her extensive collection of rare comorbid health conditions. Paige Thomas, 37, began collecting co-morbidities in her early twenties and has since curated an incredible list of ailments, injuries and illnesses. Thomas explained: “Like any connoisseur, I started...
Dinner host wishing they’d never asked for your dietary requirements
A friend who invited you over for dinner now wishes they’d never asked for your dietary requirements, met you, or been born, it has been rumoured. Olivia Buckingham, 32, who just thought it would be nice to have you over for a catch-up, reportedly didn’t...
Neurotypical ally clarifies: “RFK Jr. doesn’t mean YOU”
A non-autistic ally reportedly thinks it’s vital that you understand that when RFK Jr. gets eugenicsy about autism, he means those other ones – not you. Karen Hoyland, 60, wants to reassure you that you have nothing to worry about when it comes to the...
Autistic woman’s quarterly rebrand just same old suffering with new haircut
An autistic woman’s quarterly rebrand has failed to alter her miserable existence apart from making her hair look slightly different, eyewitnesses have claimed. Pippa Durham, 33, who experiences the urge to become a completely different person every three months, genuinely thought she could overhaul her...
“Burned out” autistic woman just on hiatus
An autistic woman who has paused all her life activities in order to lie in bed, catatonic, has announced that this is simply a break in production. Star of The Paige Thomas Show, Paige Thomas, 29, whose series unexpectedly went off-air mid-season, has promised that...
She comes apart! This autistic woman’s joints pop out like Betty Spaghetty
An autistic woman with hypermobile joints functions just like a living, breathing Betty Spaghetty doll, it has been reported. Natasha Weaving, 32, boasts the unique ability to partially dislocate her arms, legs, elbow and shoulder at any time of the day, with painful yet ultimately...
