Autistic woman dismayed to discover exercise really does help
An autistic woman is reportedly devastated after discovering that her doctor was right and that exercising is genuinely really good for you. Siobhan Moorton, 39, thought she was being fobbed off every time her GP suggested regular exercise to improve her physical and mental wellbeing....
New autism assessment criteria for girls to just ask about imaginary horse
Researchers have developed a new assessment tool designed to detect autism in girls and women, correcting decades of gender imbalance in the diagnostic process, it has been announced. Clinicians will be able to identify female autism in mere seconds by posing one simple question: “Do...
Witchfinder General now qualified as autism assessor
A Witchfinder General has reportedly revealed he is now qualified to diagnose autism – without having undergone any additional training. Lucas Fletcher, 52, has been commended for the speed and accuracy of his assessments, working faster than most psychologists; he routinely sees over 50 patients...
Autistic woman merrily embracing spooky season unaware of seasonal depression crouched in the bushes
An autistic woman enjoying the early days of autumn is blissfully unaware that her seasonal depression is waiting to pounce, eyewitnesses have claimed. Sarah Harrow, 40, has spent the past few weeks enjoying the crunch of fallen leaves under her boots, drinking hot chocolate and...
AuDHD man’s gut issues the only thing standing between him and drinking hot sauce
An AuDHD man’s gut issues are the only reason he isn’t necking shots of hot sauce whenever he needs a little thrill, according to sources. Robert Noot, 24, is so understimulated by the act of eating a regular homecooked meal that he needs to douse...
Passé! Autistic woman’s new joint pain just a derivative cover of the old ones
An autistic woman’s new joint pain is just a pale imitation of her past joint pain, according to critics. Mandeep Kaur’s latest hit is an ache in her hips that worsens whenever she attempts to live, breathe or exist. Critics agree that the 47-year-old’s newest...
Autistic woman talented at everything except anything useful
An autistic woman can demonstrate an impressive range of skills and abilities, all of which have one characteristic in common: they are of absolutely no use to her or anybody else, sources have claimed. Ellie Mulligan, 55, was dismayed to discover that, in spite of...
Brave! Random man frothing at mouth to police your hidden disability
A very brave abled man has made it his personal mission to protect public facilities from anyone who doesn’t look disabled enough, sources have claimed. Robert Noot, 64, a self-proclaimed champion of those poor disableds, reportedly enjoys nothing more than “calling out” people with disabled...
Country with bullet vending machines makes preventing autism a priority
Headline by Sarah Amero A country that distributes bullets like they’re chocolate bars has decided that eradicating autism is one of its top priorities, it has been reported. The USA, where you can pick up eggs, milk and lethal ammunition in the same supermarket run,...
Noise of extractor fan caused by devil grinding his toenails
Your kitchen cooker has been fitted with a small demon who is responsible for taking the smoky air out of the room and replacing it with the worst sound imaginable, sources have revealed. While feasting on smoke and cooking smells, the horrid little gremlin pares...
