Efficient! AuDHD man’s daily task list includes carefully planned five-minute scream
An AuDHD man attempting to keep on top of the constant demands of his busy life by tracking tasks has expanded his to-do list to include blood-curdling screams at the horror of it all, sources have reported. Paul Shinter, 45, recently made the decision to...
Self-esteem a “slippery slope”, decides autistic woman’s subconscious
Having even the tiniest taste of positive self-regard is a gateway drug to monstrous narcissism, an autistic woman’s subconscious has claimed. Lottie Fitzgerald, 28, is doing all the requisite therapeutic work to build her confidence, but is constantly undermined by a horrid cackling morality-OCD gremlin...
Pick your battles! Autistic person struggling to narrow it down, to be honest
An autistic person who vowed to pick their battles is reportedly frozen with indecision over which of their many important battles to let go of. Des Ackerman, 30, has spent their entire life fighting all the good fights, only to be now be told to...
Autistic mum fine with breastfeeding in public just likes hiding in cupboard
An autistic mum is happy to breastfeed while out and about, but even happier not to be out and about in the first place, sources have revealed. Krista Shure, 32, believes passionately in a parent’s right to breastfeed wherever and whenever is most comfortable, and...
Autistic woman’s health issues playing delicate game of Buckaroo
An autistic woman with a complex set of health conditions is idly wondering which of them will cause a catastrophic, cascading failure like the one in a popular children’s game, sources report. Alma Montague, 37, has a lovely catchup planned with a friend, but does...
Everything that makes autistic woman happy terrible for her gut
Every single thing an autistic woman loves is turning her gut microbiome into a Mad Max-style wasteland, it has been reported. Tricia Squire, 37, allegedly loves spicy food, reclining after dinner like a Roman emperor, and sipping cold coffee for hydration when she’s forgotten to...
Streeting orders NHS to bolster workforce with the restless souls of the dead
Headline by Sarah Amero Health secretary Wes Streeting has announced plans to bully the NHS into giving him data on the nation’s deceased in order to get them out of their eternal resting places and back into the workforce. The measures, which are reportedly as...
Autistic woman experiencing pain-free five minutes growing suspicious
An autistic woman who has gone five minutes without any aches or pains is reportedly beginning to worry that something is deeply and mortally wrong. Siobhan Moorton, 23, almost always has some part of her body hurting thanks to a horrifying smorgasbord of comorbidities. However,...
AuDHD man at spa retreat worries about relaxing wrong
An AuDHD man taken on a “relaxing” spa day by his partner as a birthday treat has never been less relaxed in his life, sources have revealed. Robert Noot, 40, was gifted the Ultra Relaxation Spa Day gift package for his 40th birthday by partner...
Autism assessments outsourced to Sir Mix-a-Lot
Following recent headlines suggesting that a prominent backside may be a sign of neurodivergence, the world’s leading expert on prominent backsides has agreed to become an autism assessor, according to reports. Sir Mix-a-Lot, 62, one of the only celebrities not to have a Controversies section...
