Autistic man horrified by anatomically incorrect Halloween skeleton
Headline by John Butler, piece by John Butler with Sara Gibbs An autistic man was left reeling this Halloween after being forced to confront numerous anatomical inaccuracies in an alleged “skeleton”, eyewitnesses have said. Armchair archeologist, Ryan Wilkins, 45, reportedly alarmed colleagues with his “frankly...
Eh? Autistic woman’s Ouija board won’t stop spelling “POTS”, “MCAS” and “EDS” for some reason
An autistic woman attempting to communicate with spirits via an Ouija board is becoming increasingly perturbed by their insistence on spelling out medical acronyms, sources have said. Becky Armitage, 29, whipped out her spirit board one Saturday night while all her living friends were out...
Autistic monster under bed fine staying here, thanks
The autistic monster that lives under your bed is more than happy staying exactly where it is, according to reports. Gornak the Toecruncher, 15,000, made the statement yesterday, after coming to the realisation that it felt far happier staying under your bed than it has...
Seriously?? Autistic child already in sensory overload given sixth fucking sense
An autistic boy already overwhelmed by his existing five senses has, horrifyingly, acquired a sixth one, it has been rumoured. Nine-year-old Cole Seer, who has struggled his whole life with sensory processing disorder (SPD) has now added extra-sensory processing (ESP) to his growing list of...
Public warned to stop armchair diagnosing celebrities as neurotypical
The general public has been asked to stop assuming all celebrities are people with neurotypicalism, as it’s impossible to make that judgment without proper qualifications. Dr. Karen Hoyland, a researcher at the Institute for Tea, Biccies and ITV, made the statement explaining that neurotypicalism is...
Still here? In any other century, this autistic person would have perished a long time ago
An autistic history student has been contemplating an era before gluten-free bread and 24-hour pharmacies, and has confirmed they would have been absolutely fucked. Luca Mignon, 21, has consumed so many antibiotics in their lifetime that they are rumoured to be single-handedly responsible for MRSA....
Researchers find autism somehow doubles when on holiday
Autism “doubles” when on holiday, a landmark new study by The Institute for Why Are We Like This has revealed. Dr. Graeme Hart announced the breakthrough, confirmed in a press conference, that conclusive proof has been discovered not just of autism symptoms doubling, but of...
Autistic woman’s fragile state of mind revealed in increasingly dark crochet animals
An autistic woman who stated that she’s “Fine, honestly, fine. Fine! Why does everyone keep asking?!” has been unintentionally revealing her spiralling mood through her art, concerned bystanders have reported. Krista Shure, 23, who thinks she’s taken up a sweet, creative hobby crocheting teeny tiny...
New Uta Frith test to determine if you’re doing autism correctly
The existing diagnostic process of detailed interviews, forms, and observations is to be replaced by a few quick questions which will determine whether you are the genuine article or just a big fake autistic, one rent-a-gob psychologist has announced. The new screening tool, entitled Rain...
Autistic “social hangover” like regular hangover but requires even more painkillers and fried food
The common autistic experience of a “people hangover” is similar to an ordinary hangover, but without any alcohol or fun beforehand, a study has confirmed. Autistic researcher Dr. Alix Gardner conducted a series of experiments on themselves by attending social gatherings and rating on a...