Woman labelled “complex” by mental health services really just basic bitch
An autistic woman who was described as “complex” by her team of mental health professionals has been revealed to be actually pretty basic, reports can confirm. Paige Emerson, 26, from Castlefield, might have “a lot going on psychologically” according to a room of therapists –...
Autistic woman accused of lacking empathy cries when she thinks about dolphin-safe tuna
An autistic woman described by her family and friends as “lacking empathy” becomes excessively emotional at the thought of dolphin-safe tuna, according to reports. Tricia Squire, 29, has been known to stand by awkwardly whenever someone cries in front of her, and she fails to...
AuDHD person’s comedy accent just weird and ambiguous enough to not be racist
An AuDHD person has reassured the public that the comedy accent they compulsively put on is too non-specific to target any one group of people. Jay Chester, 29, who usually adopts the bizarre dialect when they’re trying to ask for something without sounding like an...
Only non-dyspraxic in autistic friend group tasked with opening all the crisps
The only non-dyspraxic person in an autistic friendship group has been officially appointed Chief Crisp Packet Opener, it has been announced. Dexter Livingstone, 28, nicknamed Dextrous Dexter for his ability to use his fingers without somehow instigating a nuclear meltdown, has also been tasked with...
Girlboss! Undiagnosed autistic woman starts career as psychiatric patient
A woman without a formal autism diagnosis is expected to have a long and fulfilling career as a patient in a psychiatric hospital, sources have said. Beth Hapworth, 24, from Wigan, is reportedly “thrilled” to have her personality traits and interests described as “obsessive” and...
“Why am I always so tired?” Asks autistic woman who exclusively eats pizza
An autistic woman who subsists entirely on a diet of dough, tomato and cheese has appealed for answers as to why she’s dead on her feet, it has been rumoured. Sarah Harrow, 37, is unfortunately too old to get away with eating like a student...
Neurotypicals and autistics to compromise with medium talk
Allistic and autistic people have agreed to meet in the middle by engaging in medium talk, it has been announced. In a deal brokered by expert peace negotiators, questions such as “how are you?” will now be answered with “fine, thanks” and no more than...
Autistic child challenges scientific efficacy of boo-boo kissing
An autistic girl has raised concerns about the validity of her parents “kissing her boo-boos” as a form of first-aid, it has been rumoured. Seven-year-old Mary Walker has scoured scientific journals but has yet to find any peer-reviewed evidence that kissing minor injuries makes them...
Woman who spent life masking autism to avoid attention now accused of faking autism for attention
A late-discovered autistic woman who spent her whole life masking her autistic traits in order to avoid attracting attention has recently been accused of faking her autism diagnosis to obtain said attention. Avery Mann, 31, received her autism diagnosis after four years on an NHS...
Autistic hypnotist: “look around my eyes”
An autistic hypnotist has reasonably adjusted his job role by masking his lack of eye contact with clever trickery, it has been rumoured. Anand Trivedi, 49, manages to avoid making eye contact with his subjects by looking between, or around, their eyeballs. Trivedi explained: “They...
