An autistic woman’s cat has reportedly begged her to expand her social circle after becoming concerned at her lack of human friends.

Fudge Cake, seven, from Canvey Island, became worried about his owner, Emma Bernard, 29, after she told him he was “the only friend [she] needs” and “the only one who understands me in this cruel and unforgiving world.”

Fudge Cake said: “Emma has got to stop relying on me to meet all of her social needs. I thought humans were meant to be pack animals, but she acts like if she goes to one party, she’ll be rounded on and eaten like a sickly antelope.”

“It’s really eating into my own time, too,” Fudge Cake continued. “I’m supposed to be licking my nether regions with gusto – or sitting by the window, making that ‘ek-ek-ek’ sound at the birds outside – but instead I’ve got to sit here like a captive and watch The Real Housewives of God-knows-where.”

Bernard said: “I’ve been cooking all of Fudge Cake’s meals from scratch in the hopes that he’ll outlive me.”

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