Autistic woman proud of massive poo
An autistic woman is celebrating Autistic Pride Day by telling everyone who’ll listen about this morning’s giant dump, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 29, said: “It’s been a bit of a rubbish year and I was worried I wouldn’t have anything to shout about...
Autistic child’s career prospects “greatly improved” by parents posting meltdowns online
An autistic child has issued a statement thanking his parents for increasing his future employment prospects by constantly posting videos of his most vulnerable and private moments on the Internet. Finley Rice, seven, said: “My parents have been working tirelessly to build me a brand...
New diagnostic test to determine if you’re enough like autistic nephew
Scientists have announced that a brand-new autism scale will measure if patients are enough like this random woman’s nephew with autism. The new criteria will determine if patients sufficiently resemble six-year-old Finley Rice from Kent, who loves monster trucks and fart jokes. His aunt, Dr....
“Why is no one hitting on me?” asks woman who never leaves house
An autistic woman has lamented the dearth of dating opportunities in her own living room, sources have revealed. Paige Thomas, 32, who exclusively leaves her house for unavoidable medical appointments, is said to be “demoralised” by the lack of romantic interest she is receiving. Thomas...
Autistics to Highly Sensitive People: “you’re next”
Autistics have been staring at Highly Sensitive People like the bloodthirsty kids in Children of the Corn, sources have claimed. The phenomenon has grown as self-described HSPS have listed every autistic trait in the DSM-5 – but have insisted they’re just empaths who absorb the...
Autistic woman requests legally binding friendship contract
An autistic woman embarking upon a new friendship has asked for the terms to be clearly dictated in a legally binding document, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 24, agreed to an invitation for a drink after work with colleague Avery Mann, 25 – just...
Finally! Autistic girl would LOVE to teach the class, thanks
An autistic A-level student has been described as “thrilled” after finally being offered the temporary role as teacher of her sixth-form English class, sources have claimed. Paige Thomas, 17, who has been teaching the class on an informal basis, owing to her teacher’s incompetence, called...
Parents of boy in ABA: “We torture him out of love”
The parents of an autistic boy have released a statement explaining that they subject him to a cruel and humiliating therapy designed to make him behave less like himself – because they love him. Graeme Hart, 42, and his wife Karen, 43, issued a joint...
Outrage! Neighbours having unacceptable amount of fun through wall
Autistic people nationwide have expressed outrage as their neighbours are having an aggravating amount of fun on the other side of the wall, a survey has revealed. Respondents conceded that the next-door neighbours, separated from them by just a flimsy wall, are entitled to have...
How to live with a person without autism
Living with a person who’s living without autism can be a unique challenge. It’s not their fault that they suffer from not having autism — but that doesn’t reduce the impact their condition has on you. If you’re struggling to live with a person without...
