Autistic woman’s favourite part of sex is her bra coming off
An autistic woman has revealed that her favourite part of sex is the bit where her horrible itchy bra gets removed. Miya Wilkes, 28, from Durham, enjoys the rest of sex just fine – but has to stop herself instantly climaxing from the sheer relief...
Knock-knock joke falls flat as autistic refuses to answer door
A knock-knock joke has failed to land, or even get off the ground, as the autistic person on the receiving end simply pretended they hadn’t heard the door going, it has been reported. Kit McGodden, 24, reportedly responded to the opening gambit of “knock knock”...
Cute! Autistic best friends take turns to have mental health crises
A pair of autistic best friends have been described as “adorable” for their habit of alternating their respective mental health crises, it has been reported. Kelsey Dacey, 27 and Becky Armitage, 29, have implemented a relay-race system to ensure that only one of them is...
Autistic woman’s movie night ruined by volume being on odd number that’s not even a multiple of five
An autistic woman’s movie night has been wrecked by the volume being set to 21, sources have revealed. Emma Bernard, 38, had been looking forward to a classic movie marathon with friends, but found herself unable to enjoy the evening after someone (Becky) incorrectly set...
“I’m just going to veg out on my sofa today” says autistic man who just vegges out on sofa every day
An autistic man who announced plans to “have a chilled one on the couch today” neglected to mention that he has a chilled one on the couch every day, it has been rumoured. Dexter Livingstone, 37, claimed that he needed the rest after a long...
Autistic woman to apologise for apologising until she runs out of oxygen
Concerns are growing for an autistic woman’s oxygen supplies as she enters a third day of her perpetual apology loop, emergency services have said. Beth Hapworth, 21, initially apologised to girlfriend Emma Bernard, 23, for Bernard’s period pains. On being told “you don’t need to...
2025! Non-autistics convinced arbitrary date change will fix everything
Allistic people have expressed excitement that humanity will magically reset itself on the first of January, it has been announced. In a statement released today, neurotypicals conveyed their relief that “this horrible year is nearly over,” asserting the belief that an arbitrary change in year...
“No, but really!” Autistic woman only person whose negative self-talk is true
An autistic woman is the only person in the world whose negative self-talk is based in reality, said autistic woman has announced. Beth Hapworth, 37, recognises that imposter syndrome is a thing – but has explained that she doesn’t have it, as she is, in...
Autistic man accused of being “a real Scrooge” just burned out from socialising with ghosts
An autistic man accused of ruining Christmas by being “a real Scrooge” has simply used all his social energy on interactions with three weirdly intense ghosts, it has been confirmed. Ben Espenson, 35, had intended to make an effort with his extended family over Christmas...
Festive dating! Autistic woman finds unhealthy father figure to replicate trauma with
A straight autistic woman who seeks out unhealthy father figures in her romantic life has found the perfect jolly, yet mercurial older man to trigger her complex PTSD, it has been rumoured. Sarah Harrow, 29, who seeks out partners who are at least 20 years...
