Autistic man concentrating so hard on listening he can’t hear a single fucking word you’re saying
An autistic man is so busy nodding earnestly at everything you’re saying that he actually hasn’t processed a single word, it has been confirmed. Eddie Albington, 34 – who has been told many times that he doesn’t appear to be listening – now overcompensates by...
Attractive autistic woman convinced she’s disgusting little bin monster
An autistic woman who many, many, many people find attractive cannot conceive of a reality in which she’s not a stupid little sewer goblin, it has been announced. Paige Thomas, 29, who has attracted many partners of all genders and even more admirers, has said...
Autistic woman who always guesses plot twist carefully selects movie to ruin
An autistic woman who always figures out how a film is going to end about halfway through has spent several hours choosing the perfect new release to ruin movie night. Kelsey Dacey, 34, who has historically spoiled The Sixth Sense, Gone Girl and Fight Club,...
Hot to Go dance? Autistic person still trying to nail the Y.M.C.A
An autistic person is reportedly unable to learn the Hot to Go dance as they’re still trying to wrap their heads around the Y.M.C.A Eddie Albington, 36, has been trying to learn the 1978 disco hit since early childhood, but still flails about uncertainly between...
Autistic relationship begins with more complex negotiations than Brexit deal
A new romantic relationship between two autistic people has begun with a round-table summit involving a team of highly paid lawyers and an elaborate set of oddly specific terms, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 38, and Dexter Livingstone, 45, who are both autistic, decided...
Autistic woman calls in sick to friendship
An autistic woman currently unwell with a summer cold has spent the day apologising to friends for being a bit quieter than usual, it has been rumoured. Pippa Durham, 26, considers her closest friendship to be a full-time job, and dutifully let Alma Montague, 28,...
Am I one?? Autistic woman ruins day by Googling covert narcissism
An autistic woman has wrecked her own day by convincing herself she’s a covert narcissist, according to reports. Beth Hapworth, 35, Googled the term after someone suggested it applied to her ex, but quickly found herself spiralling into a pit of hyperbole and self-loathing. She...
Becky’s passive-aggressive Instagram story triggers global RSD crisis
A woman’s cryptically narky Instagram story has set off every neurodivergent person in the world’s rejection sensitive dysphoria, the government has confirmed. Becky Armitage, 42, posted the following mysterious rant to the social media platform: “Some people are seriously self-absorbed. Get over yourselves #Toxic.” University...
Meant to be! This dating website matches autistic singles with inevitable sociopath
A new dating website has launched with the aim of pairing lonely autistics with the sociopath that would have eventually sniffed them out anyway. A spokesperson for Unhinge, Graeme Hart, said: “Our process is very simple. You take a quick quiz when you sign up...
Adult man still lives with his autism
A man who grew up living with autism still hasn’t moved out, it has been reported. Dexter Livingstone, 22, left his parents’ home at the age of 18, but to their dismay took his autism with him. Livingstone’s mother, Karen Livingstone, 54, said: “We were...
