An expectant mother and father have reportedly announced that they will love their child no matter what kind of straight, neurotypical, abled person they grow up to be.
Paige Thomas, 34, and Ethan Stern, 36, cannot wait to meet baby Finley in a few months, and are already overflowing with unconditional love for a child who will not challenge their worldview any more than is absolutely necessary lest they are forced to re-examine their definition of “unconditional”.
Thomas said: “If Finley ever picks up a doll to play with, my job is to punt it out of his grippy little hands and replace it with a toy truck, because men are supposed to operate heavy-goods vehicles, not care for their kids.”
“If he were to grow into an emotionally available man who knows how to work a washing machine and makes the women around him feel genuinely safe, which we all know is a pipeline to Gay, how am I supposed to say creepy Boy-Mum things about all the girlfriends he’s going to have in the future? I just don’t think it’s healthy if I’m not allowed to obsess over his sexuality years before he even has one to speak of.”
Stern added: “Every prospective parent dreams of a mathematically perfect baby who’s cute and cuddly for as long as possible, followed by several blissful unchallenging years of ice cream and skinned knees until finally you get to walk them down the aisle to a person of the opposite sex, who is just hot enough to give one of us something else to be weird about.”
“It’s perfectly reasonable to only want a baby if it’s normal! I read that in a book with a bell curve on the cover, so it must be true. We’re good people, which is why we’re entitled to the sort of optimal genetic recombination that produces champion racehorses.”
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