An autistic couple who can’t bear the physical agony of expressing genuine emotions in front of others have mutually agreed to shorten their wedding vows to a brief nod. 

Ellie Mulligan, 30, and Jay Chester, 35, are planning to marry later this year in a small ceremony. They’re hoping for a complete lack of flowers, tulle, or scalloped edges, and the lowest number of family members that they can invite without causing a diplomatic incident.

“We want to be married, but unfortunately that requires a wedding,” Mulligan explained. “And worse, saying words out of your face into another person’s face in front of all those faces. Why does everyone have to have a face??”

She continued: “Jay and I have been together for nearly 10 years. Obviously, I lov- urgh, hang on, just give me a second. ‘I lov- luuuu- looooov-‘ no, I literally can’t do it. Jay knows how I feel about them! I really, really lov- urgh, nope, it’s just too gross. If I’m pressed to admit my embarrassing feelings aloud, in front of my friends and family, frankly I’d rather chuck myself out a window.”

Chester agreed: “I just don’t understand why the vows have to focus on gooey feelings. We’re getting married for so many other reasons, like tax benefits! And, personally, I enjoy the knowledge that we’re creating solid administrative records for future historians.”

When asked if there were any wedding traditions they were keen to still include, the couple instantly responded: “The cake.” Mulligan added, “Obviously, except if it’s fruit cake. Argh, the bits.”

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