A group of stuffed animals have declared victory over their owner’s boyfriend after successfully relegating him to the sofa, sources have reported.

The ever-growing collection of plushies owned by 28-year-old Kelsey Dacey, which includes a culturally confusing haggis wearing a sombrero and an anthropomorphic graphing calculator, have reportedly maintained their “rightful place” on Dacey’s bed while six-foot-tall boyfriend Paul Shinter, 27, sleeps on the sofa with his knees jammed into his nose.

“We’ve been on tactical manoeuvres for months,” explained the plushies’ leader Big Fluffles, 20. “We’ve been wedging ourselves into the small of Paul’s back to stop him getting comfy. I spent almost a week lodged in his armpit – thank God my nose is made of plastic.”

“My favourite trick is lying on the pillow facing him when he wakes up. My dark unblinking gaze really freaks him out. Haha!”

Shinter, 27, spoke to The Daily Tism after a sleepless night. “There’s just no room for me, my girlfriend, and all her teddies in the double bed. I tried to see if she’d pick a top tier of absolute favourites instead of all 87 of them, but apparently that would upset both her and the plushies. So I’m outnumbered.”

Dacey confirmed: “Paul suggested I should make a ‘top 10’, which I did, but unfortunately he didn’t even make it into the top thirty… Man, I love that graphing calculator.”

Like what you’re reading? Make us your new special interest! Help us grow The Daily Tism by sharing our articles, following us on Instagram, Bluesky, Threads and Facebook, shouting us a coffee on Ko-Fi or joining our bonus-content-packed Club for Terrible Autistics by subscribing to our Patreon. We also now have merch! Check out your favourite headlines in comfy wearable form over on Teemill.

You can also watch episodes one and two of our sketch show, The Daily Tism News, in collaboration with Turtle Canyon Comedy, or listen to episode three in audio form – and tune into our podcast, Autistic Women Oversharing to find out WAY too much about our writers.