An autistic woman longing for human contact has had her hopes repeatedly dashed by the troublesome existence of other humans, it has been revealed.

Miya Wilkes, 45, reportedly spends her evenings wishing she could be closer to other people and more involved with their lives, only for those wishes to turn to ash once she exposes herself to the humid, hairy reality of actually being near other people.

Wilkes said: “Every now and again I think it would be nice to sit cuddled up on the sofa with someone, watching my favourite film for the hundredth time and eating some snacks, but every time I try it, it’s a nightmare! They sit too close so I can feel their weird weight against me, they somehow manage to eat crisps at a volume that would get nightclubs closed down, and for reasons I’ll never understand they’re not interested in re-watching RoboCop until the disc wears through! What the hell?!”

Other doomed ways in which Wilkes has attempted to slake the need for human connection have included speed dating (“The Groundhog Day of small talk”), joining a book club (“Everyone reads too slowly and their opinions are terrible”), and blind dates with friends of friends (“Why on EARTH am I friends with so many people who are friends with estate agents?”).

Robert Noot, 41, Wilkes’ long-time colleague, said: “The other day I thought Miya looked a little down, so I asked her if she wanted to come over to mine and play some Mario Kart. She just sighed, pulled an air-horn out of her bag, blasted it in my face while mouthing “NO”, and walked away.”

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