An autistic woman may, thankfully, never have to speak to her family again after an especially juicy festive falling-out, according to sources.
A perfect storm of births, deaths and marriages has meant that 34-year-old Ellie Mulligan’s family has reached a critical mass of gay siblings, bigoted uncles and imminent divorces, leading to a battle over Christmas dinner that Mulligan has gleefully called “kind of iconic”.
Mulligan said: “I think I’ve just witnessed the family feud of the century. Five people stormed out of the house and went for a walk, but it’s such a small town that they all bumped into each other and started scrapping again. It was like an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race: Untucked, if half of the contestants were violently homophobic.”
Although she reportedly did not join in with any arguments, Mulligan was nonetheless dragged into the conflict. “Depending on who was talking, I was either cast as an exemplar relative or some sort of stain on the bloodline. Didn’t matter to me, though – I was already mentally planning my first ever solo Christmas, which will take the form of a snack-fuelled all-day bitchfest with my dog.”
Mulligan was last seen issuing a silent prayer of gratitude to Krampus for all his hard work.
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