An AuDHD man’s gut issues are the only reason he isn’t necking shots of hot sauce whenever he needs a little thrill, according to sources.
Robert Noot, 24, is so understimulated by the act of eating a regular homecooked meal that he needs to douse his food in sauce just so he can feel something. However, his chronic IBD and acid reflux take their revenge shortly after by making him feel like he’s eroding from the inside.
Noot said: “I don’t have the foresight to marinate anything. By the time I’ve realised I’m hungry it’s an emergency that can’t wait for me to select a palatable blend of seasonings – that’s how we got my famous cinnamon and garlic omelette. But then the food’s flavourless and I can’t stand to eat it. That’s where sauce comes in. The love of my life. Cruel mistress though she is.”
“The last time I went overboard on some peri-peri, the UK Government briefly classed my bowels as a threat to national security. They moved the Doomsday Clock forward by a few seconds in anticipation of what my gut was about to do. We averted an apocalypse, but I think I heard my toilet bowl crack.”
Noot then abruptly became unavailable to comment further as his bathroom activities had accidentally summoned Thor, god of thunder.
Like what you’re reading? Make us your new special interest! Help us grow The Daily Tism by sharing our articles, following us on Instagram, Bluesky TikTok and Facebook, shouting us a coffee on Ko-Fi or joining our bonus-content-packed Club for Terrible Autistics by subscribing to our Patreon.
You can also watch episodes one and two of our sketch show, The Daily Tism News, in collaboration with Turtle Canyon Comedy and tune into our podcast, Autistic Women Oversharing to find out WAY too much about our writers.
