Your dad, the most singularly unique individual you’ve ever met, reportedly has no idea where you got your autism from.
Perhaps best known for helping to bring you into the world, your father owns seven identical shirts, shouts at people for eating crisps within earshot, and routinely finds a way to make every conversation about the eruption of Vesuvius – but cannot believe you’re autistic.
He said: “It doesn’t make any sense. I’m not autistic, and neither were your grandparents. My mother used to scream if you disturbed her porcelain doll collection, and Dad acted out the entirety of The Maltese Falcon – verbatim – the Christmas our TV broke, but autism didn’t exist back then.”
“It’s your mother that’s got something funny about her, if you ask me,” he continued. “Always talking in riddles, always telling me off for being ‘obtuse’ and ‘talking about that bloody volcano again’… I reckon you and I are the normal ones, and it’s everyone else that’s mad, eh, kiddo?
“Honestly, you’d think it was a crime to repurpose your daughter’s childhood bedroom the day after she moved out! Where else am I going to build my scale model of Pompeii and Herculaneum? If I do it in the kitchen, the smoke alarm’ll go off as soon as I start doing the ash clouds!”
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