Uncanny! Autistic woman at every café somehow always seated under speaker
An autistic woman has reported a perplexing phenomenon whereby, regardless of venue or cuisine, upon entering a café and waiting to be seated she will always be led to the table closest to amplified sound. Paige Thomas, 28, reportedly initially put this down to coincidence,…
Brutal! Autistic woman’s self-punishment does not fit the crime
An autistic woman who has reportedly been punishing herself for a decade and a half only committed a minor social faux-pas in the first place, it has been reported. Ellie Mulligan, 35, reportedly sentenced herself 15 years ago to life without parole, doing hard emotional...
“You’ve only got mild autism” says mild twat
A complete and utter cockwomble has reportedly appointed themselves as an expert in your personal circumstances, deciding in their infinite wisdom that your autism is “only mild”. Local fucktrumpet Natasha Weaving, 39, whose concept of autism is limited to The Big Bang Theory and the...
New cutlery fully ruins autistic man’s life
An autistic man’s entire life has been turned upside down thanks to the introduction of a new set of cutlery, sources have claimed. The stainless steel interlopers, which are new and were absolutely unasked for, were introduced to 27-year-old Ryan Wilkins’ household last Friday, and...
Optimist! Maybe autistic woman will enjoy clubbing this time
An autistic woman who has never once enjoyed any form of noisy, crowded nightlife sincerely believes – for some reason – that she might like it this time, it has been rumoured. Ima Onwugbenu, 22, who likes peace, quiet and solitude, has reportedly inexplicably convinced...
Autistic woman’s “best friend” was not informed
An autistic woman’s best friend in the entire world has been completely unaware of her title this whole time, sources have said. Sabheen Bhatt, 19, reportedly considers Krista Shure, 20, her sister from another mister, but the first Shure heard of it was in a...
New 100m record set by autistic woman trying to get away from scented candles
An autistic woman with no prior athletics training has successfully broken the 100m World Record trying to get away from the smell of Wanky Candles, eyewitnesses report. Chi-Young Lee, 21, was completing a weekly shop at the local supermarket when her usual route through the...
“We can disagree and stay friends” says man who thinks you should be eugenicsed out of existence
A man who believes you can disagree on politics and “still love each other” also believes scientists should find out what caused you so someone like you never happens again, and you, personally, should be rounded up, it has been announced. Graeme Hart, 57, believes...
Autistic woman delighted to discover feigning period still gets her out of sports
An autistic woman has discovered that faking your period to get out of sports still works years after secondary school, according to sources. Ima Onwugbenu, 39, was recently invited to play squash by her work colleague, 35-year-old Ryan Wilkins. Worried she’d be talked into it,...
All shoes and socks entirely bad and bare feet also not great, study confirms
Researchers have confirmed long-held suspicions that there are no good footwear options and that having feet in general is just not ideal, a new study has revealed. The study surveyed all known garments and items that can be used to cover one’s feet, concluding that...
Solicitous question leads to existential dread
A perfectly innocent question has led to the complete unravelling of an autistic man’s sense of self, it has been claimed. Anand Trivedi, 32, was reportedly minding his own business, sitting quietly and contemplating unresolved maritime mysteries, when he was cruelly dragged from his favourite...
Autistic woman deep in rehearsals for non-standard food order
An autistic woman is preparing for the performance of a lifetime as “a customer who would like something slightly different from the menu”. Pippa Durham, 31, visits her local cafe every Saturday for a tea and an almond croissant. She first fancied a cappuccino nearly...
First autism study to take place without any autistic people called a “bloody relief” by researchers
A groundbreaking new autism study has reportedly taken place without any autistic people involved at all – to the relief of its researchers. The study, entitled “Why are they like that?”, seeks to investigate the causes of autism as conjectured by the highly opinionated loved...
