Autistic person who hates to be touched clings to one chosen individual like they’re made of Velcro®
An autistic person with an intense aversion to human touch nonetheless wishes to be touching one specific human at all times, it has been claimed. Kit McGodden, 39, has spent their life ducking and weaving to avoid hugs at social gatherings. They once feigned uncontrollable…
Justifications for buying more dice become ever more elaborate
An autistic woman who plays Dungeons & Dragons has been concocting increasingly elaborate and convoluted reasons to buy more new dice, eyewitnesses have claimed. Talia Cohen, 27, got into tabletop roleplaying games last year, where she started with a single set of dice in a plain red...
Recreate YOUR childhood trauma with new Autistic Barbie!
Announcing the new and improved Autistic Barbie from Mattel! With their fixed smiles, awkward limbs and glazed expressions, autistic women everywhere are reportedly going to love playing with this new toy, perfect for evoking their most beloved painful memories. Why not recreate all your least...
Autism assessments outsourced to Sir Mix-a-Lot
Following recent headlines suggesting that a prominent backside may be a sign of neurodivergence, the world’s leading expert on prominent backsides has agreed to become an autism assessor, according to reports. Sir Mix-a-Lot, 62, one of the only celebrities not to have a Controversies section...
Comfortable silence reaches sixth glorious hour
Two autistic friends have been sitting on the same sofa together all afternoon without needing to interact with each other in any way, sources have reported. Their comfortable, shared silence has just reached its sixth glorious hour. Talia Cohen, 20, is currently playing a puzzle...
Boyfriend indistinguishable from fidget toy
An autistic woman’s boyfriend reportedly does everything a fidget spinner can – and everything it can’t. Ryan Wilkins, 33, allegedly has many excellent qualities or something, but most importantly he is a portable collection of pleasing surfaces and textures that are fun to play with,...
Autistic man insists collection of holes held together by threads is “just a little worn”
Headline by John Butler A set of tattered rags loosely held together by fraying threads that no longer remotely resemble a hoodie still has “plenty of wear left”, an autistic man has claimed. Dexter Livingstone, 48, reportedly refuses to give up on the beloved garment,...
Autistic man sets reminder to nod during friend’s lengthy monologue
An autistic man listening to his friend’s tedious droning has surreptitiously set a reminder on his phone to remind him when to nod and smile, sources have revealed. Naveed Azkhat, 26, has reportedly finally discovered a conversation topic so dull that he’s had to resort...
“We’re a team that values honesty and direct communication” lies neurotypical job advert
A job advert written by a neurotypical HR manager is actually a big sack of stupid lies, sources have revealed. The advert, which claims that the company values honesty and direct communication, and “fosters a culture of respect and integrity” might as well have followed...
Autistic woman who “isn’t hungry” has a big storm coming
An autistic woman who claimed not to be hungry is about to receive the shock of her life, according to sources. Christine Smout, 37, has not eaten for hours, but, despite decades of experience, will reportedly not realise she needs to eat until the empty...
Happy new year? AuDHD man still looking for his Christmas lights
Headline by John Butler An AuDHD man who has been rummaging through his kitchen cupboards since Christmas Eve is confident his festive lights are in there somewhere and that he’ll find them any minute, eyewitnesses have said. Cameron Brereton, 35, who reportedly missed Christmas Day,...
Neurotypicals mark arbitrary passage of time with more fucking fireworks
Neurotypicals have reportedly decided to celebrate the same thing happening in the same way again by standing outside in the cold and watching ten minutes of fireworks soundtracked by We are the Champions before heading back inside and moving on completely. Speaking from a rooftop...
“2026 will be my year” says autistic woman who told the same lie in 2024
An autistic woman who has claimed that 2026 will be “her year” reportedly said the same thing about 2025 and is living in total denial about how that turned out. Merve Öztürk, 30, was sure at the end of 2024 that the following year she’d...
