Seasonal life hack! Give sweets to strangers and they fuck off
The secret to deterring trick-or-treaters is simple, delicious bribery, one autistic scientist has claimed. For the last four years, Dr. Freya Emerson has been researching the prevention and treatment of unwanted visitors. She explained: “My home is my sanctuary. I don’t even let my best…
Casually dressed autistic woman not sure why everyone’s complimenting her on her Halloween costume
An autistic woman wearing her usual everyday clothes cannot understand why everyone thinks she’s wearing a Halloween costume, according to sources. Emma Bernard, 35, left the house in what she thought was normal seasonal attire, but everyone she has encountered so far has praised her...
Chilling! This autistic person’s Halloween costume is neurotypical man
An autistic man has raised the terror stakes this Halloween with a costume that friends have described as “genuinely horrifying”. Gavin Monks, 26, reportedly eschewed traditional Halloween fancy-dress options in favour of a costume he claimed would be “sure to strike fear and dread into...
Carrie? Autistic woman left terrified after watching horror movie called Sex and the City 2
An autistic woman who thought she was sitting down for a long-overdue viewing of the 1976 adaptation of Carrie – or at the very least, the 2013 version – has reportedly been left traumatised after accidentally watching “chilling” horror movie, Sex and the City 2....
Alien vs. Predator just autistic woman’s dating history
An autistic woman has no desire to watch 2004’s Alien vs. Predator, as she has already lived the entire saga in her own romantic life, it has been confirmed. Krista Shure, 32, has no idea what the actual film is about, but does know what...
Autistic man’s ADHD threatening to take over like Mr. Hyde
An autistic man’s ADHD is threatening to take over and turn him evil, it has been rumoured. Henry Jekyll, 50, is said to be a well-respected doctor and all-round top bloke, even if he never shows up to work drinks and can’t stop talking about...
Witchfinder General now qualified as autism assessor
A Witchfinder General has reportedly revealed he is now qualified to diagnose autism – without having undergone any additional training. Lucas Fletcher, 52, has been commended for the speed and accuracy of his assessments, working faster than most psychologists; he routinely sees over 50 patients...
Autistic woman doesn’t know how to tell boyfriend she wants to wear his skin without it sounding weird
An autistic woman overwhelmed with love for her boyfriend isn’t sure how to express that love without sounding like Hannibal Lecter, sources have said. Abeer Zaki, 28, loves Cameron Brereton, 32, more than life itself, but no words seem sufficient to tell him how much...
Dyspraxic woman at corn maze still looking for way in
A dyspraxic autistic woman tasked with finding her way out of a Halloween corn maze first has to find the entrance, her loved ones have revealed. Olivia Buckingham, 26, who took three months to learn the layout of her small workplace and still frequently ends...
Being showered with pigs’ blood least traumatic thing that happened to autistic girl today
An autistic teenager who had a bucket of pigs’ blood dumped onto her at her high school prom has reportedly had far worse – even just today. Carrie White, 16, believed she had finally won over her classmates after being named Prom Queen, but, as...
Teenager aghast as mum’s autistic superpower is being even more embarrassing than a regular mum
A teenage girl is utterly mortified that her autistic mother continues to be all sorts of weird and sometimes even has the audacity to leave the house, sources have confirmed. Avery Mann, 14, insists that Sarah Mann, 47, walk six paces behind her in the...
Exposed! Autism satire site’s “merch” actually cunning plan to turn fans into human billboards
A satire website by and for autistic people has launched a new line of merchandise, revealed to be an elaborate scam to enlist fans to unwittingly act as human advertisements and pay for the privilege. An exposé of The Daily Tism by The Daily Tism...
Murderous motel owner bored waiting for AuDHD woman to get in the shower already
A motel owner who plans to murder his AuDHD guest while she showers is growing tired of waiting for her to actually get in the shower, it has been revealed. Norman Bates, 40, has assumed the persona of his dead mother and procured a big...
