Woman who didn’t go to war still fucking hates fireworks
An autistic woman is opposed to letting off local fireworks for entirely selfless reasons, reports have indicated. Niamh McGodden, 25, from Allerton, has suddenly become invested in the welfare of ex-serving members of the military – and not just because she finds the sound of…
Child without autism label still autistic as fuck
A child whose parents refused to “give them the autism label” is still, inexplicably, autistic as fuck, it has been rumoured. Despite her parents declining to label her, Megan Aldrich, seven, still refuses to eat foods that are touching, smile for the camera or believe...
Inspiring! Autistic woman dedicates entire life to pointing out typos
In an altruistic move, an autistic woman has quit her job as an orthodontist to become a full-time corrector of other people’s mistakes. Emma Bernard, 38, first took up pedantry as a hobby, but has recently decided that life is too short not to spend...
Stranded autistic astronaut: “I’m not fucking coming back”
An autistic astronaut stranded on Mars has resisted attempts at rescue, insisting that she would rather spend the rest of her life in space than live one more day on Earth. Kelsey Dacey, 39, a British astrophysicist, became stuck on the planet after her shuttle...
Autistic child trick-or-treating with blue bucket grateful to be singled out for once
An autistic boy who was given a blue bucket to trick-or-treat with to ensure everybody knows he’s different is just grateful to be singled out for once, his parents have said. Finley Rice, seven, had merely planned to put on a Batman costume and go...
“Zombie” just autistic person with sleep disorder
A terrifying pasty-skinned wreck spotted shuffling towards the bus stop has turned out to be an autistic person with Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder, authorities have claimed. Kit McGodden, 37, from Harpurhey, was misidentified as being one of the living dead after they were seen staggering...
Fine! Satan gives in after 15 weeks of negotiations for autistic woman’s soul
An autistic woman has officially become the first person to ever to out-negotiate Satan, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 45, has claimed that she entered into negotiations with the Prince of Darkness in good faith – but talks over the terms of her soul...
Tragic! Autistic woman dies after making wildly inappropriate joke
An autistic woman has died on her arse following yet another gag unsuitable for her workplace, it has been confirmed. Niamh Montague, 29, from Hull, was sitting in the shared office during the Friday afternoon conversation – which had previously included topics such as Tricia...
AuDHD ghost late for haunting died ten years and two days ago this very night
A motorist has once again failed to pick up the ghost of AuDHD woman on the anniversary of her death, sources have revealed, as she completely forgot she was meant to turn up at all until two days later. Cameron Brereton, 32, did not pick...
Demon spirit just woman who got out the bath asking you to pass her a towel
A demon spirit initially sighted by a man in his apartment was actually an autistic woman who just wanted someone to pass her a towel, it has been revealed. Dexter Livingstone, 31, was lying in bed typing a WhatsApp message when he spotted the vengeful...
Scary? Autistic man’s favourite porno is A Quiet Place
An autistic man has issued a statement calling on the public not to kink shame him over his unusual choice of masturbatoy material. Onanist, Cameron Brereton, 28, explained that he has eschewed mainstream pornography in favour of the 2018 horror movie, A Quiet Place. Brereton’s...
Flirting? Autistic woman thought ghost was just really into pottery
An autistic potter has only just realised that she has been conducting an intense love affair with a ghost for the last three months, and not just teaching him about creating earthenware, it has been announced. Dexter Livingstone, 27, started turning up in the workshop...
Zombie sighting just autistic woman who checked out of conversation
An apparent zombie sighting has since been revealed to be an autistic woman who had zoned out of a situation she wished she wasn’t physically present in, sources have confirmed. Emma Bernard, 31, from Bolton, was in fact alive and breathing whilst cousin Megan Aldrich,...
