Study finds that how you happen to feel right now is how you’ve always felt and will always feel
The feeling you happen to have in this precise moment is a permanent state of affairs, a new study has revealed. According to a new clinical trial, emotions and physical sensations are static and immovable phenomena that will never be any different, whether they’re positive,…
Exposed! Athletic people faking it for attention
People claiming to have athleticism are just putting it on for attention, an investigation by The Daily Tism can reveal. Undercover journalist Paige Thomas, 37, said: “Initially our reporters attempted an undercover operation to test our hypothesis that people with athleticism are big stupid fakers...
Autistic mum quits job to devote herself to correspondence from her children’s primary school
An autistic mother-of-two has reportedly resigned from a successful career as an educational psychologist so that she can give her full attention to the stream of e-mails and text messages from the school attended by her two children. Niamh Callaghan, 38, whose sons Lucas and...
Autism assessment frogs the last thing autistics see before they die, scientists confirm
A groundbreaking study has reportedly discovered that the flying frogs from the ADOS assessment appear to autistic people before they die. The study found that the frogs from the book Tuesday, used in the standard autism assessment, appear to autistic people in their final moments....
Trauma! “Polite” autistic woman just terrified of you
An autistic woman with impeccable manners is actually just petrified of displeasing you, it has been confirmed. Emma Bernard, 30, who is often complimented on her friendly demeanour and effusive expressions of gratitude, has attributed her politeness to an extreme fawning response. Bernard said: “Honestly...
Report: Autistic woman really just going to keep on dating the guy she wishes he was, huh
An autistic woman has made the bold decision to keep dating the impressive man she wishes he was, instead of the horrid little worm boy he actually is, it has been announced. Sarah Harrow, 27, first fell for Dexter Livingstone, 31, after he initially presented...
Report: Autistic woman COULD try a little harder! Thanks!
An autistic woman has admitted that actually yeah, she probably isn’t trying hard enough, now that you mention it, it has been announced. In a statement released today, Alma Montague, 33, thanked you for your unsolicited advice about the amount of effort she could be...
Autistic woman who won’t hurt spider gives it exclusive use of kitchen instead
An autistic woman has surrendered use of her kitchen after finding a spider on the linoleum floor, sources have revealed. Beth Hapworth, 32, reports that she was too frightened to move the spider elsewhere, but too empathetic to harm it. “It would be a senseless...
“If only we could tell what people with autism were thinking” says researcher with fingers in ears
An autism researcher who believes it is “impossible to know what people with autism are thinking” also stuffs her ears with whatever she has handy whenever she actually encounters an autistic person, it has been revealed. Dr. Karen Hoyland has gone to extreme lengths to...
Fraud! Autistic woman’s brain writing cheques her body can’t cash
An autistic woman has been accused of fraud following reports of her emotional and energetic cheques bouncing, authorities have stated. Lottie Fitzgerald, 34, is due to appear in court later this month charged with “displaying unreasonable optimism with no basis in precedent”, as well as...
Autistic woman trying to get out of work socials runs out of grandparents to kill off
An autistic woman has run out of grandparents to kill off as an excuse to get out of work social events, according to sources. Kelsey Dacey, 40, has managed to get out of white water rafting, rock climbing and other oddly Lara Croft-coded activities by...
Autism support group revealed to be front for underground D&D ring
A support group for autistic people has revealed itself to be nothing more than a front for a sickening underground Dungeons and Dragons ring, it has been reported. A local chapter of the ‘Little Buddies Network’, an initiative designed to bring autistic people together to...
Autistic woman finally hands herself in for shoplifting that metallic blue nail polish in 1997
An autistic woman has turned herself in to the authorities after years on the run following a shoplifting incident in the late 1990s, police have confirmed. Kelsey Dacey, 37, told reporters that she has spent the better part of three decades “looking over her shoulder”...
