The dream! Autistic person opens second-hand bookshop where no one is allowed to buy books or come in
One autistic individual is reported to be living the dream, having opened a bookshop and then displayed a large sign in the window reading NO CUSTOMERS. Alix Gardner, 42, has embraced their inner Bernard Black by creating a uniquely hostile retail experience, whereby any potential…
AuDHD man advised to try Pomodoro Technique falls down seven-hour rabbit hole on history of tomato
An AuDHD man told to try the Pomodoro Technique as a way to overcome distractions and procrastination has reportedly fallen down a multi-hour rabbit hole on the history of the tomato. Anand Trivedi, 33, was originally supposed to be working on some data analysis for...
Autistic woman taking up running struggling with the bit where she has to run
An autistic woman trying running for the first time is reportedly stuck on the bit between leaving the house and returning home. Talia Cohen, 40, decided to try to start running because she was too broke for a gym membership, and also because she had...
Public warned to stop armchair diagnosing celebrities as neurotypical
The general public has been asked to stop assuming all celebrities are people with neurotypicalism, as it’s impossible to make that judgment without proper qualifications. Dr. Karen Hoyland, a researcher at the Institute for Tea, Biccies and ITV, made the statement explaining that neurotypicalism is...
Autistic woman’s crush behaviour modelled on ’00s R&B music videos
An autistic woman who doesn’t know how to behave around people she is attracted to has resorted to taking cues from lovelorn men in ’00s R&B videos, it has been claimed. Chi-Young Lee, 29, says it is “impossible” to talk to the cute girl from...
Autistic graduate sad he can’t browse PubMed for fun any more
An autistic man who recently left university is reportedly longing for the halcyon days of having unfettered access to academic journals. Onye Egbuchunam, 21, spent much of his sociology degree browsing articles in fields he wasn’t studying, just because he could. According to Egbuchunam, being...
Autistic millennial can recite every ’90s TV advert but has no idea what their nephew’s name is
An autistic person who once recorded a three-hour VHS tape of television adverts has realised those adverts are taking up valuable brain space which might be put to better use, like memorising the names of their immediate family, sources have claimed. Jay Chester, 38, expressed...
Autistic woman’s skillset better suited to Bond villain than customer service representative
An autistic woman would be far better at foiling James Bond than working at a call centre, she claims. Miya Wilkes, 27, is adept at using technology and looking unnerving, neither of which she has really been able to leverage while selling wine subscriptions over...
Dyspraxic woman still won’t learn the motor skill if you explain it to her a fifth time
A dyspraxic woman has asserted that no amount of patronising verbal explanation will teach her to perform a motor skill she doesn’t have the coordination for, according to eyewitnesses. Becky Armitage, 30, is at a bowling alley with you and your other friends, because every...
What autistic woman needs is signature look, she thinks
An autistic woman who has known true hardship also thinks that her lack of a signature style might be contributing to her problems, reports have claimed. Sabheen Bhatt, 44, has recently hit a problem-solving event horizon where the only ways to optimise her life any...
Confirmed! Floor better than bed
In the world of “places it is good to lie down”, Floor is indeed better than Bed, new research has confirmed. Dr Mary Walker, 45, Clinical Trial Lead at The Institute for Floor Time Studies, broke the news at a press conference this morning, speaking...
Still here? In any other century, this autistic person would have perished a long time ago
An autistic history student has been contemplating an era before gluten-free bread and 24-hour pharmacies, and has confirmed they would have been absolutely fucked. Luca Mignon, 21, has consumed so many antibiotics in their lifetime that they are rumoured to be single-handedly responsible for MRSA....
The Odyssey? Accessible travel route takes 20 years longer
An autistic man’s carefully-considered travel route is set to take 20 years longer than the non-accessible alternative, it has been rumoured. Paul Shinter, 46, is heading to his friend’s house across what is ostensibly a well-connected city, but his difficulty with taking the London Underground...