If you’ve got an autistic partner, chances are their raw sexual magnetism makes it hard to think about anything other than jumping their vitamin-D-deficient bones. But if you’re looking to spice things up in a way that won’t aggravate your paramour’s gut issues, The Daily Tism’s got you covered. Here are the five hottest things you can say to your autistic partner, in order of “lemon and herb” to “this Nando’s has caught fire”.

5. “Don’t worry, I’ll do the talking”: Telling your autistic partner not to worry is wholly ineffectual unless you follow it up with a reason not to worry, and this is one of the best reasons of all. Save us from the awkwardness of dinner-party small talk, from having to meekly ask the waiter at the fancy restaurant for more ketchup, from tripping over our words on the phone and asking the plumber to “please drain the… drain”. Lend us your mouths. Oo-er.

4. *Insert niche bit of lore here*: We know you’re not as interested in our special interests as we are. No one is, that’s the ‘special’ part. But if you manage to recall some tiny detail about our favourite tick-borne diseases, the funerary practices of the ancient Mayans, or the difference between a Spectator and a Beholder, we’ll start picturing you barely clothed save for a Star Trek boxset to preserve your modesty.

3. ‘This party’s a bit shit, isn’t it?’: Go on, tell us how much you HATE this neurotypical charade, perhaps even more than we do. Admit that you never feel much better at a party than you would having a one-on-one catchup with the friend you actually went to see. And finish it off with the phrase we’ve been waiting to hear: “Should we just go home?”

2. “Chicken nuggets?”: The fastest way to our hearts is to offer us something breaded, bready or breadable. So we’re not what you’d call ‘adventurous’ when it comes to food. But you know what you’re getting with us. We’re going to want to eat the same thing every day for the rest of our lives. Which is great news for you. Because sex.

1. ‘.’: Ronan Keating was right. You do say it best when you say nothing at all. It’s not that we don’t love the sound of your voice, but there are times when we don’t love the sound of anything, and your voice above the din of sensory overload would just sound like a Stradivarius over a cacophony of foghorns. Soothe our minds by wordlessly existing next to us, and we will thank you. Hold us, oh strong and silent beloveds. Our knights in shining shutthefuckup. Where we’re going, we don’t need words.

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