Headline by Sarah Amero
Health secretary Wes Streeting has announced plans to bully the NHS into giving him data on the nation’s deceased in order to get them out of their eternal resting places and back into the workforce.
The measures, which are reportedly as infeasible to implement as they are gratuitously evil, will attempt to use NHS files to find out who’s been skiving off of work while using “no longer walking this mortal plane” as an excuse.
Streeting said: “We believe that the dead should have dignity. The dignity of work.”
“Frankly, there are too many people registered as dead who are giving nothing back to society,” Streeting continued. “While the rest of us are paying our taxes, they just get to lie there all day or aimlessly wander the fog of the afterlife. We expect the NHS to get them back stacking shelves where they belong.”
“Don’t listen to the naysayers who claim my plan is unworkable. I’m sure there are plenty of people with autism who would love to help me link up all the relevant NHS systems. Nope, haven’t alienated them at all.”
“As for recruiting spirits from the great beyond, I’ve already set up a Ouija board. Look it’s spelling something out – ‘F U C K O F F S Q U A R E H E A D E D L I T T L E T W A T’ – which is what the Prime Minister says when I’ve done something particularly brilliant.”
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