An autistic astronaut stranded on Mars has resisted attempts at rescue, insisting that she would rather spend the rest of her life in space than live one more day on Earth.
Kelsey Dacey, 39, a British astrophysicist, became stuck on the planet after her shuttle broke down beyond repair. When communications were re-established via video link, she was seen whooping and pumping her fist into the air, screaming “I’m free! I’m finally free!”.
In a dispatch to ground control, she said: “Honestly, I’m thriving here and I’m not fucking coming back. It’s always quiet, there’s rocks everywhere and I finally have a decent excuse to avoid family dinners.”
“Sure, the Wi-Fi is faster on Earth. But my alien friend – whose name is exclusively made up of consonants – naturally emits radio waves from his head. I plug his antenna into the USB slot on my laptop and before you know it I’m watching repeats of RuPaul’s Drag Race from the comfort of a dormant volcano.”
Robert Noot, Director General of the European Space Agency, said: “This is completely unprecedented. We’ve never had anyone refuse to come home before, but Dr. Dacey has been adamant. We’re deeply concerned for her wellbeing, but she says that Mars is the first genuinely autism-friendly workplace she’s ever been in.”
When asked whether she had any messages for her friends and family on Earth, Dacey said: “Don’t talk about me. Don’t even think about me. If you try to bring me home, I’ll slash the tyres on the Mars rover.”
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