The secret to deterring trick-or-treaters is simple, delicious bribery, one autistic scientist has claimed.

For the last four years, Dr. Freya Emerson has been researching the prevention and treatment of unwanted visitors. She explained: “My home is my sanctuary. I don’t even let my best friend inside: she once had to piss in her own car.” 

Dr. Emerson tried everything she could think of to deter people without having to speak to them, from hiding in her living room with the lights off to standing motionless in the hallway disguised as a lamp. “My preferred method was lying face-down on the floor. It wasn’t foolproof, though. People would still ring, or knock, or shout “I can see you!” through the letterbox. Bastards.”

Towards the end of October, Dr. Emerson made a breakthrough. She explained: “I was furious at a tub of Quality Street because they’d changed the texture of the wrappers, so I Frisbeed it out my bedroom window. Now that there’s chocolate scattered all over my front garden, my doorbell hasn’t rung since!”

Some academics have questioned whether Dr. Emerson’s method would work outside of Halloween, but Dr. Emerson could not be reached for comment, as she was busy loading fun-size Twix bars into a t-shirt cannon.

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