Autistic woman owns three wearable outfits and 50 pipe-dreams
An autistic woman’s wardrobe consists of three things she can wear and about 50 she can’t, sources have said. Sabheen Bhatt, 25, describes herself as a “shoptimist” with a penchant for itchy jumpers, trousers that are impossible to eat in, and dresses that could only…
Autistic woman punished for fleeting moment of happiness by remembering mortality
An autistic woman has reportedly been punished for experiencing a brief moment of joy by immediately remembering the impermanence of life and that one day everyone who exists, including her, will be dead. Ffiona Maw, 42, experienced a fleeting moment of unbridled happiness while enjoying...
Missing their milestones? Autistic girls haven’t dabbled in witchcraft yet
Two young autistic girls have raised concern after failing to show a healthy childhood interest in witchcraft typical for neurodivergent girls their age, sources have said. Twins Lottie and Niamh Fitzgerald, 11, are about to start secondary school, but neither of them have even made...
Autistic woman concerned when limo driver stops to pick up random people
Headline by Anna Nicholson, winner of our Patreon caption competition. Piece by Sara Gibbs An autistic woman who thought she was boarding an exclusive stretch limousine has been left “baffled and aggravated” after the driver repeatedly stopped to allow the general public on board, sources...
Experts reveal the causes of Daily Mail readership and how to avoid them
In an announcement that has stunned the nation’s right-wing dickheads, experts have vowed to identify the causes of reading The Daily Mail by the end of the month. The collection of words and pictures, which technically qualifies as a “newspaper” despite containing more shrieking than...
Autistic woman who didn’t hear what you said about to chance it with a laugh
An autistic woman with auditory processing disorder who didn’t hear what you just said is about to take a risk and assume it was a joke, sources have revealed. Christine Smout, 40, can barely process a single word you’re saying in the noisy, overcrowded pub...
Autistic woman ordering at restaurant struggles to correct uncomfortable power imbalance
An autistic woman eating at a restaurant is struggling to cope with the notion of other people serving her, it has been reported. Kelsey Dacey, 37, decided to treat herself to dinner at her local Italian, but when waiter Graeme Hart, 29, laid down her...
Autistic woman punished for having birthday by people singing at her
An autistic woman has reportedly faced dire consequences for having been born on this day 28 years ago by being sentenced to a full day of people singing badly straight into her face. Alma Montague, 28, didn’t ask to be born, but has now had...
Autistic fantasy world definitely better than anywhere you’re going on holiday
Spending time in a fantasy world through a lovely daydream is guaranteed to be more enjoyable than any skiing trip to the Alps or fortnight in the Seychelles, it has been revealed. Lloyd Didcot, 47, a spokesperson for the UK Tourism Board, said: “We’ve known...
Huh. Woman does look kinda autistic actually
A woman actually does look pretty autistic, to be honest, according to eyewitnesses. Natasha Weaving, 27, who has been told by ignorant bystanders that she “doesn’t look autistic”, genuinely could not look more autistic if she tried. Fellow autistic woman, Niamh Callaghan, 35, commented: “How...
Dentist forced to remind sobbing autistic woman that having a cavity is not a moral failing
An autistic woman was today rendered inconsolable at a routine dental checkup by the assessment and diagnosis of a small cavity that may require a filling. Dental hygienist Karen Hoyland, 34, delivered the devastating news with her standard chipper nonchalance but was shocked and disturbed...
“Rejection sensitive” autistic woman decides on career in the arts for some reason
An autistic woman with rejection sensitivity dysphoria has inexplicably decided to pursue a career that has an entire academic discipline dedicated to criticising it, sources have confirmed. Freya Emerson, 24, reportedly thinks being a writer-performer will bring her joy and fulfilment, despite every single thing...
Weighted blanket filled with collective sadness of mankind
An autistic woman’s weighted blanket is heavy with the collective sorrow of billions of human beings, sources have revealed. Ellie Mulligan, 35, first became aware that her blanket might not have been ethically sourced when she noticed a faint screaming sound coming from within the...
