Helpful! Autistic woman discovers that “on-the-job training” means throwing you to the wolves
An autistic woman’s first job has ended in disaster after she discovered that “on-the-job-training” means chucking you in the deep end without so much as a pair of inflatable armbands, sources have claimed. Mary Walker, 20, started her first job a week ago at Lenny’s Burgers…
Autistic woman somehow manages to make cervical smear test even more awkward
A “pioneering” autistic woman has managed to take a social interaction in which a stranger takes a deep-dive into one’s genitalia and make it even more stressful, sources have confirmed. When Lottie Fitzgerald, 38, entered the clinic room for her routine cervical screening appointment, she...
Autistic child prodigy absolutely dunking on his talentless sister
An autistic child prodigy has successfully learned six languages, commenced his studies at NASA and inspired middle-aged Facebook aunts everywhere – and totally owned his comparatively mediocre sister, sources have said. Parents Karen and Robert Hapworth, had reportedly dreamed of having a little prodigy to...
Autistic man neglects to plan conversation in advance, experiences literal Christian hell
An autistic man who routinely plans his conversations well in advance decided to ditch the habit of a lifetime “to see what it was like”, landing him in a Biblical underworld of Christian hell, sources have revealed. Lloyd Didcot, 32, took the unusual step to...
Life hack! Autistic woman paints target on her back to save time
An autistic woman has decided to cut out the middleman by painting a bullseye on her back so everyone knows who to target, it has been reported. Freya Emerson, 31, reportedly grew tired of people having to find out she was autistic before shitting on...
Only sober person at party celebrates no longer being the worst at picking up on social cues
An autistic person who has opted not to use alcohol as a social lubricant has reportedly discovered a new benefit to sobriety: enjoying unprecedented social success at a party full of drunk people. Mac Wheatley, 27, was recently invited to their very first social gathering...
Autistic woman unmasks by swapping morning coffee for a nice mug of custard
An autistic woman has been hailed as “inspirational” after ditching coffee in favour of a beverage which better reflects who she is as a person, sources have revealed. Talia Cohen, 33, drank coffee in the mornings because everyone else seemed to be doing that, so...
Neurotypicals unable to accept spooky season is over fill sky with jump scares
Non-autistic people already missing spooky season have reportedly decided to extend it by filling the sky with terrifying, unpredictable jump scares and calling them “fireworks”. Neurotypical spokesperson, Karen Hoyland, 54, explained: “Spooky season is traditionally understood to be an autistic custom, but that’s actually a...
Autistic woman enters marriage of convenience with takeaway delivery driver
An autistic woman has entered into an advantageous marriage with the man who delivers her thrice-weekly takeaways, it has been revealed. Chi-Young Lee, 24, chose 30-year-old Aidan Michaels as her suitor after he became her personal knight in shining armour, riding in on his motorbike...
AuDHD woman’s driving lesson looming on horizon like macabre spectre of death
An AuDHD woman was forced to reckon with the transience of existence this morning when she remembered halfway through brushing her teeth that she has a driving lesson in three days, it has been rumoured. Christine Smout, 24, reportedly felt her blood run cold and...
Autistic woman dismayed to discover exercise really does help
An autistic woman is reportedly devastated after discovering that her doctor was right and that exercising is genuinely really good for you. Siobhan Moorton, 39, thought she was being fobbed off every time her GP suggested regular exercise to improve her physical and mental wellbeing....
New autism assessment criteria for girls to just ask about imaginary horse
Researchers have developed a new assessment tool designed to detect autism in girls and women, correcting decades of gender imbalance in the diagnostic process, it has been announced. Clinicians will be able to identify female autism in mere seconds by posing one simple question: “Do...
Seasonal life hack! Give sweets to strangers and they fuck off
The secret to deterring trick-or-treaters is simple, delicious bribery, one autistic scientist has claimed. For the last four years, Dr. Freya Emerson has been researching the prevention and treatment of unwanted visitors. She explained: “My home is my sanctuary. I don’t even let my best...
