Smart! Autistic woman to deter trick-or-treaters by placing orange severed head by door
An autistic woman has announced plans to scare trick-or-treaters away by appointing a severed head carved from a spooky orange vegetable the guardian of her door. Megan Aldrich, 40, made the decision after last year’s hanging skeleton failed have the desired effect. Aldrich explained: “I…
Woman deemed “complex” by mental health services actually basic bitch
An autistic woman who was described as “complex” by her team of mental health professionals has been revealed to be pretty basic, reports can confirm. Paige Emerson, 26, from Castlefield, might have “a lot going on psychologically” according to a room of therapists – yet...
Scary! Neurotypical decorates home with chilling motivational quotes
A neurotypical woman has reportedly terrified guests with her collection of eerie wall quotes. Deborah Whitehead, 57, from Cheshire, has chosen to furnish her home with obnoxiously positive wall prints, even in the bathroom – in case you were ever thinking about going in there...
I lived it! Autistic woman misdiagnosed as vampire
A 39-year-old woman has finally received an autism diagnosis after years of being misdiagnosed as a bloodsucking creature of the night, it has been announced. Siobhan Moorton’s autistic traits were reportedly missed due to the sheer volume that overlapped with vampirism. Moorton explained: “My light...
Autistic woman fine with horror films freaked out by terse sounding email
An autistic woman who can cope with the head-spinning scene from The Exorcist (1973) has been left fearing for her life after receiving an email response that seemed a little clipped, according to reports. Sources say Siobhan Moorton, 31, spotted the message in her inbox...
Autistic woman celebrates spooky season by getting ghosted again
An autistic woman has marked the arrival of spooky season by getting ghosted once more, it has been rumoured. Niamh Callaghan, 26, had been engaging in flirty banter with Cameron Brereton, 29, for a little over three weeks when he abruptly disappeared from all social...
Halloween movie night ruined when horror film turns out to be vintage autism charity commercial
An autistic man’s Halloween movie night has been ruined after he accidentally put on an Autism Speaks commercial from 2009. Mac Wheatley, 32, showed the commercial to his group of close friends after mistaking the threatening music and ominous voiceover for a low-budget horror. Wheatley...
Our little pumpkin! Neurotypical woman admits she fucked a vegetable
A neurotypical woman has announced her pregnancy on Instagram by suggesting an orange spherical gourd gave her its seed, it has been confirmed. Becky Armitage, 29, from Cheshire – who posted: “I, along with my husband Ryan, am overjoyed to welcome our little pumpkin” –...
Woman excited to make soup remembers she fucking hates soup
An autistic woman “looking forward to making soup this autumn” has just recalled how much she actually fucking hates it, sources have confirmed. Miya Wilkes, 31, from Sheffield, was initially thrilled at the prospect of chopping almost-expired vegetables and draining thick, murky water from cans...
Spooky season? This autism researcher is a ghoul year-round
An autism researcher has opted not to wear a Halloween costume this year as he is always a ghoul regardless of the season. Leading autism expert, Dr. Graeme Hart, reportedly does not initially appear to be a ghoul, looking outwardly like a human man –...
Autistic woman who “loves everything fall” breaks leg tumbling from window
A autistic woman who saw several Instagram posts captioned “get fall ready” took this as a literal instruction and has hurled herself from an upstairs window, reports have indicated. Sarah Harrow, 33, from Huddersfield, hates pumpkin-spice lattes, but loves the feeling of descending from a...
Torn apart! My therapist hates his therapist
An autistic couple have reportedly split after realising they have incompatible therapists. Dexter Livingstone, 35, and Paige Thomas, 32, made the decision to end their one-year relationship as psychotherapists Becky Armitage and Olivia Buckingham couldn’t make things work. Thomas said: “Dexter and I really did...
Wow! Autistic couple making ecstatic noises in bedroom must be enjoying bashing train sets together
An autistic couple loudly moaning with pleasure in their bedroom are “having a great time playing with their train sets,” their housemates have said. Paige Thomas, 26 and boyfriend Dexter Livingstone, 28, are frequently overheard from behind their closed door groaning, sighing and shouting “fuck...
