Autism assessments outsourced to Sir Mix-a-Lot
Following recent headlines suggesting that a prominent backside may be a sign of neurodivergence, the world’s leading expert on prominent backsides has agreed to become an autism assessor, according to reports. Sir Mix-a-Lot, 62, one of the only celebrities not to have a Controversies section…
Comfortable silence reaches sixth glorious hour
Two autistic friends have been sitting on the same sofa together all afternoon without needing to interact with each other in any way, sources have reported. Their comfortable, shared silence has just reached its sixth glorious hour. Talia Cohen, 20, is currently playing a puzzle...
Boyfriend indistinguishable from fidget toy
An autistic woman’s boyfriend reportedly does everything a fidget spinner can – and everything it can’t. Ryan Wilkins, 33, allegedly has many excellent qualities or something, but most importantly he is a portable collection of pleasing surfaces and textures that are fun to play with,...
Autistic man insists collection of holes held together by threads is “just a little worn”
Headline by John Butler A set of tattered rags loosely held together by fraying threads that no longer remotely resemble a hoodie still has “plenty of wear left”, an autistic man has claimed. Dexter Livingstone, 48, reportedly refuses to give up on the beloved garment,...
Autistic man sets reminder to nod during friend’s lengthy monologue
An autistic man listening to his friend’s tedious droning has surreptitiously set a reminder on his phone to remind him when to nod and smile, sources have revealed. Naveed Azkhat, 26, has reportedly finally discovered a conversation topic so dull that he’s had to resort...
“We’re a team that values honesty and direct communication” lies neurotypical job advert
A job advert written by a neurotypical HR manager is actually a big sack of stupid lies, sources have revealed. The advert, which claims that the company values honesty and direct communication, and “fosters a culture of respect and integrity” might as well have followed...
Autistic woman who “isn’t hungry” has a big storm coming
An autistic woman who claimed not to be hungry is about to receive the shock of her life, according to sources. Christine Smout, 37, has not eaten for hours, but, despite decades of experience, will reportedly not realise she needs to eat until the empty...
Happy new year? AuDHD man still looking for his Christmas lights
Headline by John Butler An AuDHD man who has been rummaging through his kitchen cupboards since Christmas Eve is confident his festive lights are in there somewhere and that he’ll find them any minute, eyewitnesses have said. Cameron Brereton, 35, who reportedly missed Christmas Day,...
Neurotypicals mark arbitrary passage of time with more fucking fireworks
Neurotypicals have reportedly decided to celebrate the same thing happening in the same way again by standing outside in the cold and watching ten minutes of fireworks soundtracked by We are the Champions before heading back inside and moving on completely. Speaking from a rooftop...
“2026 will be my year” says autistic woman who told the same lie in 2024
An autistic woman who has claimed that 2026 will be “her year” reportedly said the same thing about 2025 and is living in total denial about how that turned out. Merve Öztürk, 30, was sure at the end of 2024 that the following year she’d...
Autistic woman crushed by guilt for binning old Christmas decorations
An autistic woman has been left “emotionally devastated” by having to throw away some old Christmas decorations, sources have said. Emma Bernard, 32, was seen holding a cardboard box full of grotty tinsel and scratched baubles, whispering apologies like it was a bag of kittens...
Autistic man experiences ego death after catching whiff of aftershave gift set
An autistic man has undergone total ego death after opening a particularly pungent set of men’s toiletries gifted to him for Christmas, it has been reported. Lloyd Didcot, 47, made no secret of the fact that he could not cope with strong smells, but the...
Autistic woman keen to stress it has never been a wonderful life and never will be
An autistic woman being shown all the lives she has touched reportedly remains unconvinced that life is, has been or will ever be “wonderful”. 40-year-old Ima Onwugbenu, who had reportedly been feeling “like hot garbage”, was visited by an angel who showed her what the...
