“What if I’m not really autistic?” asks world’s most obviously autistic woman, constantly
An autistic woman is boring the ever-living fuck out of her friends and family by relentlessly questioning her own diagnosis, sources have claimed. To put her doubts to rest, Paige Thomas, 39, underwent a rigorous diagnostic assessment with clinical psychologist, Graeme Hart. This consisted of…
Autistic child enlisted for sports day
An autistic child forced to take part in a savage and ruthless battle called “sports” has zero idea that this may cost him his future, according to reports. Eight-year-old Robert Noot, has been put forward for a series of barbarous duties against his will, armed...
Autistic woman prefers direct communication unless she has to do it
An autistic woman who would prefer for others to deliver difficult truths to her without any ambiguity would also rather die than say a single stressful thing directly into another person’s face, it has been rumoured. Beth Hapworth, 38, who needs clear and direct communication...
Devastating! Autistic woman eats last chicken strip without savouring the moment
An autistic woman has eaten her last chicken strip without realising it was the last chicken strip, according to sources. Becky Armitage, 30, was enjoying a meal of chicken strips and chips from her local Chicken Palace when she became distracted by a true crime...
Autistic sense of justice “on brink of WW3” with constant need to please
Your lifelong sense of social justice is on the brink of all-out combat with your persistent need to keep everybody around you happy at all times, sources have stated. An anonymous military source has spoken out amidst escalating tensions between the two polarised yet fundamental...
Autistic woman watching period drama driven to madness by inauthentic doorknobs
An autistic woman watching a period drama has been driven to distraction after catching several glimpses of a modern doorknob, it has been reported. Pippa Durham, 38, was looking forward to a new six-part series billed as a bodice-ripping retelling of the Dissolution of the...
“Spoiled” autistic child would rather not be in constant sensory hell
An “overly pampered” autistic child would prefer to not feel like everything is perpetually flashing, screeching and smacking her directly in the brain, sources have confirmed. Six-year-old Mary Walker, who flies into inexplicable rages when everything in her immediate environment goes bleepy bloopy bleep blorp,...
Autistic doom-monger never less pleased to say I told you so
An autistic person accused for the last decade of being a “harbinger of doom” has never been less thrilled about being correct, it has been revealed. Eli Port, 30, who usually relishes the moment they get to say “I told you so”, has conceded that,...
Government to “reform” support for autistic children in schools by just scrapping it all together
New proposals to overhaul special needs education for autistic and disabled children are set to remove the right to an education, health and care plan (EHCP) in favour of a new model, in which children are simply told to get the fuck on with it,...
“My fault?” Mum determined to make your autism diagnosis all about her
Your mother is determined to make your late autism diagnosis all about herself somehow, it has been announced. Tricia Squire, 54, has reportedly decided to process your life-changing news by listing everything she remembers eating during her pregnancy 30 years ago and querying if “maybe...
Unsubscribe! Autistic man illegally storing your data in his brain
An autistic man has found himself in breach of the Data Protection Act after illegally accumulating an encyclopaedia of information about you in his own memory, it has been reported. Dexter Livingstone, 45, accused of storing facts about everyone he’s ever met without their permission...
Tragic! People think this woman is just TOO pretty to be autistic
A young woman is frequently disbelieved about her autism because she’s just too gosh darn attractive to be lumped in with the rest of us bridge trolls, it has been announced. Paige Thomas, 24, meets all the diagnostic criteria for ASD, yet finds that many...
Breaking: DSM-5 hastily updated to account for Gregg Wallace’s underpants
In breaking news, the DSM-5 has been updated in the last 24 hours to include plausible deniability for Gregg Wallace, specifically. The manual, used by psychologists to diagnose a range of conditions and neurodivergences, previously mentioned that autistic people can experience sensory issues – but...
