Trauma! “Polite” autistic woman just terrified of you
An autistic woman with impeccable manners is actually just petrified of displeasing you, it has been confirmed. Emma Bernard, 30, who is often complimented on her friendly demeanour and effusive expressions of gratitude, has attributed her politeness to an extreme fawning response. Bernard said: “Honestly…
Report: Autistic woman really just going to keep on dating the guy she wishes he was, huh
An autistic woman has made the bold decision to keep dating the impressive man she wishes he was, instead of the horrid little worm boy he actually is, it has been announced. Sarah Harrow, 27, first fell for Dexter Livingstone, 31, after he initially presented...
Report: Autistic woman COULD try a little harder! Thanks!
An autistic woman has admitted that actually yeah, she probably isn’t trying hard enough, now that you mention it, it has been announced. In a statement released today, Alma Montague, 33, thanked you for your unsolicited advice about the amount of effort she could be...
Autistic woman who won’t hurt spider gives it exclusive use of kitchen instead
An autistic woman has surrendered use of her kitchen after finding a spider on the linoleum floor, sources have revealed. Beth Hapworth, 32, reports that she was too frightened to move the spider elsewhere, but too empathetic to harm it. “It would be a senseless...
“If only we could tell what people with autism were thinking” says researcher with fingers in ears
An autism researcher who believes it is “impossible to know what people with autism are thinking” also stuffs her ears with whatever she has handy whenever she actually encounters an autistic person, it has been revealed. Dr. Karen Hoyland has gone to extreme lengths to...
Fraud! Autistic woman’s brain writing cheques her body can’t cash
An autistic woman has been accused of fraud following reports of her emotional and energetic cheques bouncing, authorities have stated. Lottie Fitzgerald, 34, is due to appear in court later this month charged with “displaying unreasonable optimism with no basis in precedent”, as well as...
Autistic woman trying to get out of work socials runs out of grandparents to kill off
An autistic woman has run out of grandparents to kill off as an excuse to get out of work social events, according to sources. Kelsey Dacey, 40, has managed to get out of white water rafting, rock climbing and other oddly Lara Croft-coded activities by...
Autism support group revealed to be front for underground D&D ring
A support group for autistic people has revealed itself to be nothing more than a front for a sickening underground Dungeons and Dragons ring, it has been reported. A local chapter of the ‘Little Buddies Network’, an initiative designed to bring autistic people together to...
Autistic woman finally hands herself in for shoplifting that metallic blue nail polish in 1997
An autistic woman has turned herself in to the authorities after years on the run following a shoplifting incident in the late 1990s, police have confirmed. Kelsey Dacey, 37, told reporters that she has spent the better part of three decades “looking over her shoulder”...
“You can unmask with me” says neurotypical who doesn’t realise you’re feral
A non-autistic friend who wants you to feel safe to unmask with them has no idea what they’re saying, it has been confirmed. Eli Port, 44, would like you to be comfortable enough to be your true self – but is reportedly unaware that your...
Autistic woman just assumed everyone was consuming media critically
An autistic woman has made the foolish and illogical assumption that other people consume media critically instead of taking everything at face value, it has been claimed. Megan Aldrich, 33, was shocked to discover that, despite a long history of debunked headlines, Snopes-worthy urban legends...
Autistic man humblebragging forgets to do the “humble” part
An autistic man attempting to slip a sneaky little brag into an otherwise self-deprecating statement has completely fucked it, it has been confirmed. Gavin Monks, 45, reportedly intended to do a thing he’d read about called “humblebragging”, but instead skipped straight to the bragging bit....
Pregnant autistic woman can use her birth plan as a coffee table
An autistic mother-to-be has produced a birth plan so substantial that it has been temporarily repurposed to furnish her home, sources have claimed. Avery Mann, 25, has written a document outlining her preferences in every possible scenario – and quite a few impossible ones. At...
