Autistic child challenges scientific efficacy of boo-boo kissing
An autistic girl has raised concerns about the validity of her parents “kissing her boo-boos” as a form of first-aid, it has been rumoured. Seven-year-old Mary Walker has scoured scientific journals but has yet to find any peer-reviewed evidence that kissing minor injuries makes them…
Fuck! Neurotypical advent calendar reveals different shaped chocolate every day
An autistic person has been left in a state of “shock and disbelief” after learning their advent calendar contains a different-shaped chocolate every day, reports have confirmed. After yesterday morning’s unveiling of a piece of chocolate shaped like the jolly face of Father Christmas, Becky...
Wow! Autistic woman who struggles to read a room manages not to sexually harass people
Despite having an autism diagnosis, a woman has survived a whole lifetime without sexually harassing anybody in the workplace, it has been reported. Emma Bernard, 33, from Ancoats, finds it difficult to decipher social situations at the best of times – yet has mysteriously managed...
Argh! Autistic woman can’t tell anyone how well she’s keeping secret
An autistic woman is reportedly “losing her fucking mind” due to being unable to tell anyone how competently she’s keeping a secret, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 40, who found out the freakiest shit about a friend’s husband, Jack Harrington, 45, has been sworn...
Autistic woman considers revoking diagnosis after single successful social interaction
An autistic woman is questioning the validity of her diagnosis after she successfully managed a single social interaction, sources have revealed. Megan Aldrich, 33, was challenged by a member of staff at her local coffee shop to have a reciprocal social exchange while he made...
Woman who spent life masking autism to avoid attention now accused of faking autism for attention
A late-discovered autistic woman who spent her whole life masking her autistic traits in order to avoid attracting attention has recently been accused of faking her autism diagnosis to obtain said attention. Avery Mann, 31, received her autism diagnosis after four years on an NHS...
Great news! Childhood bully births really ugly baby
An autistic woman is reportedly overjoyed that her high school nemesis has birthed a satisfyingly ugly baby. Freya Emerson, 28, was stalking the Facebook page of former classmate Libby Buckingham, 29, when she discovered the image of the frightening spud-like creature. “She used to make...
Autistic hypnotist: “look around my eyes”
An autistic hypnotist has reasonably adjusted his job role by masking his lack of eye contact with clever trickery, it has been rumoured. Anand Trivedi, 49, manages to avoid making eye contact with his subjects by looking between, or around, their eyeballs. Trivedi explained: “They...
Productive! Autistic woman spends entire work day perfecting email sign-off
An autistic woman has spent the best part of six-and-a-half hours drafting a work email – and is reportedly still at it, sources have claimed. Beth Hapworth, 29, from Barnsley, has concluded the way to appear “normal” in all written exchanges is by microanalysing every...
AuDHD man forgets where he buried Lego for winter
An auDHD man who recently buried his Lego for winter now can’t remember where he bloody put it, it has been rumoured. Dexter Livingstone, 31, used spatial memory and landmarks such as trees to remember where he had stored his bricks – but immediately forgot...
Thank fuck! Autistic woman discovers dentist can’t actually arrest her
An autistic woman has expressed relief at discovering that her dentist does not have powers of arrest, despite the tone of his reminder messages. Freya Emerson, 42, described a sense of panic upon receiving several ominous communications from dentist Robert Noot, 55, alerting her that...
Neurodivergent ally! School bully clarifies she never specifically made fun of your autism
The girl who bullied you mercilessly throughout primary school has clarified that it had nothing to do with your autism. Neurodiversity champion Niamh Callaghan, 30, decided to set the record straight when she realised you were in front of her in the queue at the Post...
Bangy ‘Splodey season replaced with Blinky Flashy season
Neurotypicals have concluded the season of loud bangs and ‘splosions and have commenced the season of blinking, flashing lights everywhere, it has been announced. In accordance, the clocks have changed to Blinky Flashy Time (BFT) from Bangy ‘Splodey Time (BST). Neurotypical spokesperson, Karen Hoyland, 48,...
