Poly woman really not trying to fuck you
An autistic woman who just told you she’s polyamorous has absolutely no interest in banging you, so chill the fuck out, sources have revealed. Sarah Harrow, 27, who currently has two romantic partners and the busiest effing iPhone calendar you’ve ever seen, not only doesn’t…
Bully them more nicely, begs autism charity
An autism charity has issued an urgent plea to bullies to consider a gentler approach when targeting autistic pupils. According to Autism Shrieks – which your mum tried to set as her Facebook birthday fundraiser, a little torment goes a long way. “We’re past the...
Autistics ready to garrotte next person who says “lovely weather we’re having”
Autistic people everywhere are ready to punish the next person who comments on how great the horrible sunshine is by strangling them with electrical cord, it has been rumoured. Autistic people said: “The sun is so bright – I can’t leave the house without feeling...
Savant! Woman’s autistic superpower is reciting entirety of 1998’s The Parent Trap
A Manchester woman has wowed onlookers by revealing that her autistic superpower is the ability to recite the entirety of Lindsay Lohan’s 1998 film, The Parent Trap, complete with hammy accents and elaborate secret handshake, it has been reported. Krista Shure, 35, was delivering a...
Thanks, Chappell! Autistic woman feels hot when she has a meltdown
A track by pop artist Chappell Roan has caused a woman to view her autistic meltdowns in a fresh and sexy new light, according to reports. Ellie Mulligan, 26, from Old Trafford, first heard My Kink Is Karma just a fortnight ago – but it’s...
Whoops! Autistic woman subconsciously plagiarised entire personality
An autistic woman has woken up at 2am having suddenly realised why her whole deal feels horribly familiar, reports have indicated. Sarah Harrow, 24, who had begun to notice a strange sense of unease whenever she said or did things, initially thought she was experiencing...
Weird! Autistic woman’s pattern spotting fails to detect shit boyfriend
An autistic woman who can predict complex sociological behaviours based on historical patterns is mysteriously unable to turn this ability on her boyfriend. Paige Thomas, 28, can analyse large amounts of data to perfectly predict wars, elections and winners of Strictly. Yet despite boyfriend Dexter...
Woman comes out as autistic by going back inside
A woman has revealed to family and friends that she’s autistic – right before turning round to go back home. Krista Shure, 26, from Dingle, made the announcement on the driveway of the family home. According to sources, Shure could be heard returning indoors following...
Hats off! Workplace officially recognised as autism unfriendly
A company has won a prestigious award for being completely inaccessible to autistic people. “I was blown away by the glaring lighting and below average chatter,” said chief executive Gavin Monks, 39, who presented the certificate during a ceremony. “Along with the overly elaborate processes...
Autistic friendship basically if your therapist had no boundaries
A friendship between two autistic women has been described as “basically really amazing therapy but without the pesky boundaries,” sources have revealed. Paige Thomas, 27 and Beth Hapworth, 36, have been close friends ever since they hit it off in a Facebook group for autistic...
Man upset to discover manic pixie dream girl just regular autistic woman
A man who thought his quirky girlfriend would magically fix all his debilitating personal issues has been left “hurt and disappointed” after she transpired to be an ordinary autistic woman, it has been rumoured. Robert Noot, 29, was first attracted to Kelsey Dacey, 26, due...
Autism researchers to begin simply peering through people’s windows
Autism researchers have decided to drop any pretence of adhering to scientific or ethical methodology and are to begin simply peering through autistic people’s windows, it has been revealed. Project leader Dr. Karen Hoyland PhD said: “There is only so much we’ve been able to...
Autistic woman “expert” at reading potato smiley faces
Despite finding it difficult to read the room at times, an autistic woman has found her niche interpreting oven potato smilies, reports have indicated. Paige Thomas, 24, from Barnsley, subsists almost entirely on a diet of potato-based frozen foods – and endeavours to understand each...
