Autistic woman conquers world after discovering allistics’ secret life handbook
An autistic woman has finally been given the keys to the kingdom after unearthing the elusive How to Person handbook the neurotypicals have been hiding from us, it has been announced. Beth Hapworth, 32, expressed relief at having her suspicions confirmed that everyone else was…
Autistic person asks to choose own family this Christmas
An autistic person has decided to select their own family for Christmas this year, sources have confirmed. Kit McGodden, 31, from Derby, ultimately came to the decision after years of drunken arguments with glass baubles being thrown, before their family of four ingested turkey in...
Autism assessment waiting list to be split into “naughty” and “nice”
The waiting list for NHS autism assessments is to be split into “naughty” and “nice”’” categories in time for Christmas, it has been reported. With waiting times for an assessment up to three years long in some parts of the country, the list has been...
“Unfiltered” autistic woman actually thinking many atrocious things she’s not saying
An autistic woman described by colleagues as “totally unfiltered” actually, alarmingly does have a filter that’s catching a high proportion of her horrifying thoughts, it has been rumoured. Admin assistant Natasha Weaving, 23, has acquired a reputation for saying whatever is on her mind at...
Autistic woman interprets work Secret Santa as gross misunderstanding of her core self
An autistic woman has been left feeling betrayed and “deeply misperceived” after receiving a secret Santa gift from a colleague, according to reports. Emma Bernard, 31, from Cheshire, was appalled to open a baby-pink mug emblazoned with the slogan “Positive Vibes Only” – which immediately...
Autistics to Boris Johnson: don’t even fucking think about it
Autistic people have issued a statement explaining to Boris Johnson that autism does not cause you to become a compulsively lying, law-breaking, nation-wrecking cunt. The statement encourages Johnson – who claimed in a Telegraph interview that he can be “a bit on the spectrum” –...
Autistic person sports itchy Christmas jumper for record time of 8.2 minutes
An autistic person has managed to keep a Christmas sweater on their body for record-breaking time of 8.2 minutes – or 492 seconds – according to reports. Jay Maw, 33, from Carlisle, has beaten the previous record of Robert Noot, 42, who wore his cashmere...
Gregg Wallace to clarify: “My autism is the sex pest”
Former Masterchef presenter, Gregg Wallace, is reportedly due to clarify that it is not him, but his autism, that is the sex pest, actually. Gregg Wallace – who probably first Googled “autism” some time last week despite having had an autistic son for the past...
“Why am I always so tired?” Asks autistic woman who exclusively eats pizza
An autistic woman who subsists entirely on a diet of dough, tomato and cheese has appealed for answers as to why she’s dead on her feet, it has been rumoured. Sarah Harrow, 37, is unfortunately too old to get away with eating like a student...
Diversity win! Autistic child in school nativity cast as Chris Packham
A primary school teacher has achieved a landmark win for diversity after casting an autistic pupil as Chris Packham in a school nativity. Krista Shure, 63, was outraged at the lack of autistic representation in the original nativity story – and feared that Finley Rice,...
It’s here! Your social faux pas Wrapped for 2024
Your year in cringe – from us! Here are some of the crucial moments that defined the past 365 days, for you – and as your brain at 3am says, everybody else. According to our data, you interrupted your colleagues in a Zoom meeting 43...
Neurotypicals and autistics to compromise with medium talk
Allistic and autistic people have agreed to meet in the middle by engaging in medium talk, it has been announced. In a deal brokered by expert peace negotiators, questions such as “how are you?” will now be answered with “fine, thanks” and no more than...
Autistic town to host first Christmas light switch-off
A small Northern town with an unusually high proportion of autistic inhabitants is due to take part in the first ever Christmas light switch off, according to reports. Known as the De-Luminations, locals will gather to see street lights dimmed and neon signs dulled during...
