Witchfinder General now qualified as autism assessor
A Witchfinder General has reportedly revealed he is now qualified to diagnose autism – without having undergone any additional training. Lucas Fletcher, 52, has been commended for the speed and accuracy of his assessments, working faster than most psychologists; he routinely sees over 50 patients…
Autistic woman doesn’t know how to tell boyfriend she wants to wear his skin without it sounding weird
An autistic woman overwhelmed with love for her boyfriend isn’t sure how to express that love without sounding like Hannibal Lecter, sources have said. Abeer Zaki, 28, loves Cameron Brereton, 32, more than life itself, but no words seem sufficient to tell him how much...
Dyspraxic woman at corn maze still looking for way in
A dyspraxic autistic woman tasked with finding her way out of a Halloween corn maze first has to find the entrance, her loved ones have revealed. Olivia Buckingham, 26, who took three months to learn the layout of her small workplace and still frequently ends...
Being showered with pigs’ blood least traumatic thing that happened to autistic girl today
An autistic teenager who had a bucket of pigs’ blood dumped onto her at her high school prom has reportedly had far worse – even just today. Carrie White, 16, believed she had finally won over her classmates after being named Prom Queen, but, as...
Teenager aghast as mum’s autistic superpower is being even more embarrassing than a regular mum
A teenage girl is utterly mortified that her autistic mother continues to be all sorts of weird and sometimes even has the audacity to leave the house, sources have confirmed. Avery Mann, 14, insists that Sarah Mann, 47, walk six paces behind her in the...
Exposed! Autism satire site’s “merch” actually cunning plan to turn fans into human billboards
A satire website by and for autistic people has launched a new line of merchandise, revealed to be an elaborate scam to enlist fans to unwittingly act as human advertisements and pay for the privilege. An exposé of The Daily Tism by The Daily Tism...
Murderous motel owner bored waiting for AuDHD woman to get in the shower already
A motel owner who plans to murder his AuDHD guest while she showers is growing tired of waiting for her to actually get in the shower, it has been revealed. Norman Bates, 40, has assumed the persona of his dead mother and procured a big...
Autistic woman’s horror movie night ruined by watching horror movie
An autistic woman’s horror movie night has been wrecked by the utterly terrifying film she chose to put on, for reasons she can’t quite remember now she’s close to pissing herself in terror, it has been revealed. Brenda Hernández, 27, reportedly thought it would be...
Autistic woman who names inanimate objects only refers to brother as “that guy”
An autistic woman who gives human names to just about every non-human item that she encounters cannot bring herself to use the actual names of her closest family members, sources have revealed. Emma Bernard, 37, prefers to address her loved ones simply as “you over...
Autistic woman who let guard down about Toilet Monster for one second immediately gets gotted
A 39-year-old autistic woman who finally accepted that the Toilet Monster wasn’t real unwittingly gave it the opportunity to reach its scaly hand up, grab her hair and suck her down into a sewage-filled Hades, authorities have confirmed. Avery Mann, who has taken every possible...
Autistic man only comfortable dressed in ritually hollowed-out bear
An autistic man stuffed into a bear’s body as a human sacrifice is reportedly relieved at finally having found something comfortable to wear. Christian Wheatley, 25, has already been subjected to several eye-opening experiences at the rural Swedish midsummer festival he is attending with his...
The Woman in Black? Autistic goth unwittingly scares bejeezus out of Daniel Radcliffe
The actor Daniel Radcliffe has reportedly had the ever-living shite scared out of him by a mysterious woman in black who turned out to be an autistic goth minding her own business. Paige Thomas, 28, who was waiting for the 11.15 train to Riddlesdown when...
AuDHD woman’s unread messages beating damningly under floorboards
An auDHD woman is being tortured by the tell-tale sound of her countless unread notifications pinging underneath the floorboards, it has been reported. Navya Randhawa, 30, knows her emails, texts and direct messages have been piling up for weeks, but anxiety and distraction have conspired...
