Autistic woman accidentally does At Home Eating in front of other people
An autistic woman has forgotten to do Socially Acceptable Public Eating while in company, according to eyewitnesses. Siobhan Moorton, 49, masks hard whenever she has to eat around other people, but was recently caught off guard at a work brunch when a plate of chicken…
Autistic man counts ceiling tiles just in case he’s questioned about it later
An autistic man assumed to be simply avoiding eye contact reveals that he was actually counting the ceiling tiles in case it comes up in conversation. Robert Noot, 22, who habitually memorises the number of objects in a room, stated that his dream is to...
AuDHD woman absolutely positively 100% fine with rejection, fuck you very much
An AuDHD woman is actually genuinely so good at handling rejection that it doesn’t even make her feel like her spine is being torn from her body, not even a little bit, it has been reported. Siobhan Moorton, 30, has reportedly completed therapy and therefore...
Dress code can’t confuse you if you just stay home, study finds
Confusing dress codes only cease to be confusing once you give up and decide not to go, according to recent research. Dr. Krista Shure aimed to find a way for autistic people to interpret any event dress code without royally cocking it up, but her...
Autistic woman who finally stood up to family ruined a “perfectly lovely picnic”
An autistic woman who finally stopped taking her family’s crap has ruined a perfectly nice day out, eyewitnesses have claimed. According to sources, nobody was upset before Emma Bernard, 36, expressed how upset she was – and now everything’s uncomfortable and we hope she’s happy....
Autistic person who hates to be touched clings to one chosen individual like they’re made of Velcro®
An autistic person with an intense aversion to human touch nonetheless wishes to be touching one specific human at all times, it has been claimed. Kit McGodden, 39, has spent their life ducking and weaving to avoid hugs at social gatherings. They once feigned uncontrollable...
Justifications for buying more dice become ever more elaborate
An autistic woman who plays Dungeons & Dragons has been concocting increasingly elaborate and convoluted reasons to buy more new dice, eyewitnesses have claimed. Talia Cohen, 27, got into tabletop roleplaying games last year, where she started with a single set of dice in a plain red...
Recreate YOUR childhood trauma with new Autistic Barbie!
Announcing the new and improved Autistic Barbie from Mattel! With their fixed smiles, awkward limbs and glazed expressions, autistic women everywhere are reportedly going to love playing with this new toy, perfect for evoking their most beloved painful memories. Why not recreate all your least...
Autism assessments outsourced to Sir Mix-a-Lot
Following recent headlines suggesting that a prominent backside may be a sign of neurodivergence, the world’s leading expert on prominent backsides has agreed to become an autism assessor, according to reports. Sir Mix-a-Lot, 62, one of the only celebrities not to have a Controversies section...
Comfortable silence reaches sixth glorious hour
Two autistic friends have been sitting on the same sofa together all afternoon without needing to interact with each other in any way, sources have reported. Their comfortable, shared silence has just reached its sixth glorious hour. Talia Cohen, 20, is currently playing a puzzle...
Boyfriend indistinguishable from fidget toy
An autistic woman’s boyfriend reportedly does everything a fidget spinner can – and everything it can’t. Ryan Wilkins, 33, allegedly has many excellent qualities or something, but most importantly he is a portable collection of pleasing surfaces and textures that are fun to play with,...
Autistic man insists collection of holes held together by threads is “just a little worn”
Headline by John Butler A set of tattered rags loosely held together by fraying threads that no longer remotely resemble a hoodie still has “plenty of wear left”, an autistic man has claimed. Dexter Livingstone, 48, reportedly refuses to give up on the beloved garment,...
Autistic man sets reminder to nod during friend’s lengthy monologue
An autistic man listening to his friend’s tedious droning has surreptitiously set a reminder on his phone to remind him when to nod and smile, sources have revealed. Naveed Azkhat, 26, has reportedly finally discovered a conversation topic so dull that he’s had to resort...
