Autistic woman playing hard to get holds off texting crush for agonising four minutes
An autistic woman attempting to appear cool and unattainable has reportedly restrained herself from texting her crush for an agonising four minutes (if you round up from three minutes 51 seconds). Miya Wilkes, 26, put a number of measures in place to ensure she didn’t…
Autistic chef adds salt and pepper to instant noodles
An aspiring autistic chef has attained culinary perfection by grinding a little salt and pepper on a packet of mild-curry-flavoured instant noodles, according to reports. Ellie Mulligan, 26, from Cheadle, who only recently discovered her talent for serving herself four-minute meals for one, is now...
New autistic acquaintances in dangerous game of oversharing chicken
A pair of newly introduced autistic acquaintances have entered a perilous standoff over who will be the first to reveal they’re actually a little freak, it has been rumoured. Ever since they met in an online autism group two weeks ago, Emma Bernard, 27, and...
Autistic girl speaks out on dramatic sleepover exit: “I just liked my own bed”
An autistic woman has confessed to leaving a sleepover in 2007 due to preferring to sleep in her own bed, sources have confirmed. Paige Thomas, from Liverpool, who was 12 at the time, said: “I pretended that my parents were worried. In actual fact, I’d...
Miracle! Autistic woman answers “how are you?” and barely mentions explosive poops
An autistic woman whose colleague politely enquired about her well-being has somehow responded without going into traumatic detail about last night’s poop attack, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 32, was greeted by in the usual manner receptionist by Jack Harrington, 26, when she arrived...
“I have autism” announces Cthulhu
A gigantic entity worshipped by cultists, Cthulhu, has announced that he is evil because he has autism. Cthulhu, described as “a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on...
Attention, gamers! Autism announces PMDD expansion pack
The makers of Autism have announced an add-on that allows players to bring premenstrual dysphoric disorder into their gaming experience, according to reports. Players with the Menstrual Cycle hardware will be able to access the all-new PMDD expansion pack, which boasts a variety of new...
Sultry! Seductive scent makes autistic woman retch like cat
A fragrance described as “sultry” and “seductive” has brought an autistic woman close to vomiting profusely, it has been rumoured. Siobhan Moorton, 31, from Allerton, is reportedly still recovering from tentatively spraying herself on the wrist with the sample fragrance during a visit to John...
Autistic woman’s facial expressions and tone of voice unable to work together due to creative differences
An autistic woman has issued a statement explaining that her facial expressions and tone of voice are unable to work together due to having entirely different visions for their performances. Ellie Mulligan, 33, has spent three decades trying to foster a positive collaboration between the...
“Gullible” autistic man believes people when they tell him stuff
An autistic man has been branded “gullible” by his peers for foolishly taking the things other people say at face value, it has been rumoured. Cameron Brereton, 25, has become known as an easy mark, as he naively believes people he likes and trusts are...
Milda Spergers! Wizard author announces first autistic character
A well-known British children’s fantasy author has confirmed that she’s written her first ever autistic character, according to sources. Jean Sloping, 59 – known for her Henry Twiddle book series set in a magical wizard academy – revealed the addition of a young witch student...
People pleaser pleases nobody
An autistic person who tries to please other people has somehow managed to achieve the exact opposite result, sources have confirmed. Jay Chester, 28, who strives to ensure that everyone is always happy with them at all times, reportedly failed to factor in that people...
Song played on repeat getting really annoyed at listener
Headline by Andrew Hickey An autistic woman’s favourite song is sick and tired of having to constantly be on all the time, it has been reported. Vampire by Olivia Rodrigo, one and a half, has begged Paige Thomas, 24, to give it a break after...
