Workplace diversity initiative promotes just fully kissing autistic people on the mouth
A workplace diversity initiative aims to support autistic employees by giving them a massive snog, it has been reported. SMH, who optimise workflow solutions to maximise stakeholder value through data-driven KPIs, announced the new scheme to make autistic colleagues feel appreciated. Once per day, autistic…
Chosen! Safest-looking colleague at team meeting receives staring of a lifetime
The colleague in your team meeting who happens to have the most sympathetic face is about to be stared at so intensely they will likely conclude that you’re in love with them, it has been announced. Miya Wilkes, 34, whose eyes positively twinkle with empathy...
Bystanders traumatised after autistic woman asked “what’s the worst that can happen?”
Bystanders have reportedly been left “traumatised” after overhearing an autistic woman answering the question “what’s the worst that can happen?” The question, which was reportedly intended to be rhetorical, was answered in harrowing detail by Sabeen Bhatt, 46, who began by describing every possible calamity...
Missing! AuDHD family devastated after beloved household money runs away
An AuDHD family has reportedly been left bereft after their household money mysteriously ran away, like a wayward pet. Parents of two, Dexter and Paige Livingstone, both 39, tried to take good care of their money and give it the best possible life in a...
AuDHD woman both literally and figuratively late to the party
An AuDHD woman is desperately trying to catch up on the last two decades of pop culture after arriving late to a fancy-dress party, eyewitnesses have claimed. Ffiona Maw, 39, became late after giving herself five minutes to do her hair and discovering that five...
Autistic woman works out who all the characters are just in time for season finale
An autistic woman has finally worked out who all the characters in a new TV show are, just in time for the season to reach its conclusion, sources have claimed. Miya Wilkes, 30, who spent the first five episodes of a generic courtroom drama trying...
Autistic woman trying not to overthink intimacy feels like dead frog lying in road
An autistic woman having sex can’t help but feel like a tailless amphibian, it has been rumoured. Emma Bernard, 31, was reportedly trying not to get in her own head during a casual hookup with Ryan Wilkins, 36, but immediately realised her position resembled the...
Autistic woman only as good as her last interaction
An autistic woman has reportedly been left “appalled” after realising that her entire worth as a human being relies on whatever her last social interaction happened to be. According to sources, Emma Bernard, 30, from Dingle, was off to a flying start “chatting normally” with...
Top employers of autistic people revealed as IT, retail and the X-Men
A recent survey has found that the top employers of autistic people are the IT and retail industries – closely followed by beloved superhero team the X-Men. Although the tech and retail sectors are known to employ many autistic people, the X-Men have never counted...
Autistic woman’s idea of self-care akin to that of depraved Roman emperor
An autistic woman’s idea of self care is virtually indistinguishable from that of a morally bankrupt Roman emperor, sources have claimed. Lottie Fitzgerald, 36, deals with the stresses of everyday life by plotting against family members (blocking her mum on WhatsApp), indulging in raucous bacchanals...
Kids think they’re autistic because of social contagion, says mum who wants hers to catch measles
Children are catching autism from other kids, according to a mother who took her own offspring to a measles party. Karen Hoyland, 35, who believes both vaccines and having friends cause autism, actively encourages her six-year-old son Finley to get potentially deadly measles for reasons...
Autistic lesbian decides to just brave it and briefly glance in her direction
An autistic lesbian has finally summoned the courage to momentarily lock eyes with another woman, it has been rumoured. Emma Bernard, 31, from St Helens, decided she was ready to “make a move” on Natasha Weaving, 39, who she had been admiring from a distance...
Study finds only thing worse than being ignored is being perceived
The only thing worse than nobody noticing you is somebody acknowledging your stupid, embarrassing existence, a study has revealed. The study, conducted by researchers who had reportedly “run out of ideas”, showed that while going through life feeling invisible is painful, it’s nowhere near as...
