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    Love, News

    Autistic woman agonising over croissant pun or painfully sincere Valentine’s card 

    Elsa Williams, 5 months ago 1 min read  

    An autistic woman is reportedly debating between a seriously unfunny joke or an earnestly heartfelt Valentine’s Day card, it has been rumoured.  Beth Hapworth, 32, from Elton, has spent three hours and 42 minutes despairing in the stationery aisle of her local Tesco Express, due…

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    News

    Autistic man having shutdown in art gallery mistaken for Rodin’s The Thinker 

    A man having an autistic shutdown in an art gallery has been mistaken for Auguste Rodin’s The Thinker, sources have revealed. Naveed Azkhat, 32, became overwhelmed at the busy, brightly lit gallery and decided to rest on a chair in one of the exhibition rooms...
    Sarah Amero, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    News, Work

    Agoraphobic autistic woman rebrands as mysterious recluse  

    An autistic woman with a debilitating fear of leaving her house has managed by cultivating a reputation for herself as a notorious recluse, it has been rumoured. Sarah Harrow, 37, who only leaves home to go to the GP or take out the recycling, has...
    Sara Gibbs, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    Love, News, Relationships

    Autistic woman playing hard to get holds off texting crush for agonising four minutes  

    An autistic woman attempting to appear cool and unattainable has reportedly restrained herself from texting her crush for an agonising four minutes (if you round up from three minutes 51 seconds).  Miya Wilkes, 26, put a number of measures in place to ensure she didn’t...
    Sara Gibbs, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    News

    Autistic chef adds salt and pepper to instant noodles  

    An aspiring autistic chef has attained culinary perfection by grinding a little salt and pepper on a packet of mild-curry-flavoured instant noodles, according to reports. Ellie Mulligan, 26, from Cheadle, who only recently discovered her talent for serving herself four-minute meals for one, is now...
    Elsa Williams, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    Friendships, News

    New autistic acquaintances in dangerous game of oversharing chicken  

    A pair of newly introduced autistic acquaintances have entered a perilous standoff over who will be the first to reveal they’re actually a little freak, it has been rumoured.  Ever since they met in an online autism group two weeks ago, Emma Bernard, 27, and...
    Sara Gibbs, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    News

    Autistic girl speaks out on dramatic sleepover exit: “I just liked my own bed” 

    An autistic woman has confessed to leaving a sleepover in 2007 due to preferring to sleep in her own bed, sources have confirmed.  Paige Thomas, from Liverpool, who was 12 at the time, said: “I pretended that my parents were worried. In actual fact, I’d...
    Elsa Williams, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    Health, News, Work

    Miracle! Autistic woman answers “how are you?” and barely mentions explosive poops  

    An autistic woman whose colleague politely enquired about her well-being has somehow responded without going into traumatic detail about last night’s poop attack, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 32, was greeted by in the usual manner receptionist by Jack Harrington, 26, when she arrived...
    Sara Gibbs, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    Celebrities, Health, News

    “I have autism” announces Cthulhu 

    A gigantic entity worshipped by cultists, Cthulhu, has announced that he is evil because he has autism. Cthulhu, described as “a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on...
    Sara Gibbs, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    Health, News

    Attention, gamers! Autism announces PMDD expansion pack 

    The makers of Autism have announced an add-on that allows players to bring premenstrual dysphoric disorder into their gaming experience, according to reports. Players with the Menstrual Cycle hardware will be able to access the all-new PMDD expansion pack, which boasts a variety of new...
    Sarah Amero, 5 months ago 2 min read  
    News

    Sultry! Seductive scent makes autistic woman retch like cat   

    A fragrance described as “sultry” and “seductive” has brought an autistic woman close to vomiting profusely, it has been rumoured. Siobhan Moorton, 31, from Allerton, is reportedly still recovering from tentatively spraying herself on the wrist with the sample fragrance during a visit to John...
    Elsa Williams, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    News

    Autistic woman’s facial expressions and tone of voice unable to work together due to creative differences  

    An autistic woman has issued a statement explaining that her facial expressions and tone of voice are unable to work together due to having entirely different visions for their performances.  Ellie Mulligan, 33, has spent three decades trying to foster a positive collaboration between the...
    Sara Gibbs, 5 months ago 1 min read  
    News

    “Gullible” autistic man believes people when they tell him stuff  

    An autistic man has been branded “gullible” by his peers for foolishly taking the things other people say at face value, it has been rumoured.  Cameron Brereton, 25, has become known as an easy mark, as he naively believes people he likes and trusts are...
    Sara Gibbs, 5 months ago 1 min read  
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