Scientist’s attempt at creating sentient life backfires: “Oh, crap, I made him autistic”
A scientist’s attempt at playing God has gone awry after the man he reanimated turned out to be autistic, it has been revealed. Victor Frankenstein, 40, had managed to create life in the form of a grotesque humanoid figure, but realised he’d celebrated too early…
Hereditary! Autism picks off family one by one
An alleged curse has seen each member of a family realising they are autistic in turn, sources have claimed. Following the death of family matriarch Lottie Fitzgerald, her son Lloyd, Lloyd’s wife Talia and their children, Noah and Kelsey, have been led to suspect she...
Autistic woman merrily embracing spooky season unaware of seasonal depression crouched in the bushes
An autistic woman enjoying the early days of autumn is blissfully unaware that her seasonal depression is waiting to pounce, eyewitnesses have claimed. Sarah Harrow, 40, has spent the past few weeks enjoying the crunch of fallen leaves under her boots, drinking hot chocolate and...
Autistic couple keen to assert that neither of them is the big spoon
An autistic couple have issued a joint public statement clarifying that neither of them has ever been, currently are, or plan to be, the big spoon. Alix Gardner and Des Ackerman, both 29, held a press conference yesterday to assert that there is no room...
Audiences baffled as TV detective not even a little bit autistic
Crime drama fans have been left bewildered by Channel 4’s latest offering, which features a sleuth protagonist so neurotypical that he is completely unrecognisable as a detective, critics have claimed. Hart of the Matter stars Noah Michaels as Detective Inspector Graeme Hart. Hart describes himself...
Autistic woman can leave work toilets any time she fucking feels like it
An autistic woman hiding in a toilet cubicle at work can reportedly leave whenever she wants, alright? Alma Montague, 31, has merely taken a brief respite from her colleagues on the Sales team, just so she can briefly curse herself for taking a job in...
Brace! Plane crash actually less scary than nine hours in airborne tin of human sardines
An autistic person’s fear of flying has been misinterpreted as a fear of crashing, when in fact they had begun to feel that plummeting to almost certain death might be a blessed relief, sources have revealed. When Alix Gardner, 44, was seen crouched beside the...
AuDHD man’s gut issues the only thing standing between him and drinking hot sauce
An AuDHD man’s gut issues are the only reason he isn’t necking shots of hot sauce whenever he needs a little thrill, according to sources. Robert Noot, 24, is so understimulated by the act of eating a regular homecooked meal that he needs to douse...
Argh! Autistic woman starts conversation she doesn’t want to finish
An autistic woman has accidentally started a conversation she doesn’t have the spoons to continue, loved ones have claimed. Brenda Hernández, 34, reportedly made a passing comment to her mother, Lucia Ruiz, 58, about wishing she could install air con in her rented property, prompting...
First domino falls in undiagnosed neurodivergent friend group
The first of a group of undiagnosed neurodivergent friends has finally figured it out, making it only a matter of time before the others start toppling into a big heap of late-discovered burnout, reports have indicated. Talia Cohen, 28, who started to suspect she might...
AuDHD man’s WFH just him going for an 11am coffee and forgetting to bring his laptop
An AuDHD man’s day of working from home has so far consisted of him going to a coffee shop to work and realising he hasn’t brought any actual work with him, witnesses have said. Ethan Stern, 31, envisioned a quiet yet industrious day of working...
Autistic woman assesses prospective partners for gnawability
An autistic woman evaluates potential partners by making sure they are pleasant enough to chew on, it has been reported. Mary Walker, 34, has been on several dates, but has yet to find someone with the right sort of body composition to be a living,...
Mum gearing up for another year of getting special interest birthday present wrong
An autistic woman’s mother is planning another birthday present reflecting her daughter’s special interest back at her completely incorrectly, it has been rumoured. Tricia Squire, 65, really is trying, bless her, but hasn’t really understood what it is her daughter likes about witchcraft and has...
