The only non-dyspraxic person in an autistic friendship group has been officially appointed Chief Crisp Packet Opener, it has been announced.
Dexter Livingstone, 28, nicknamed Dextrous Dexter for his ability to use his fingers without somehow instigating a nuclear meltdown, has also been tasked with opening packages, tying shoelaces and walking without tripping up while everyone watches on enviously.
Livingstone said: “It’s an honour to provide my friends with delicious snack foods, drive them around and complete levels of Mario Kart on their behalf without repeatedly bashing into things.”
“The crisps actually fuel the sciencey autistics,” Livingstone continued. “Who are working on a time machine so I can go back to Year Seven PE and catch balls for them.”
Sciencey autistic, Kelsey Dacey, 28, said: “We’ve actually finished the design for the time machine. We’re just waiting for Dexter to put it together.”
Like what you’re reading? Make us your new special interest! Help us grow The Daily Tism by sharing our articles, following us on Instagram, Bluesky, Threads and Facebook, shouting us a coffee on Ko-Fi or joining our bonus-content-packed Club for Terrible Autistics by subscribing to our Patreon. We also now have merch! Check out your favourite headlines in comfy wearable form over on Teemill.
You can also watch episodes one and two of our sketch show, The Daily Tism News, in collaboration with Turtle Canyon Comedy, or listen to episode three in audio form – and tune into our podcast, Autistic Women Oversharing to find out WAY too much about our writers.
