Blackpool residents have called for an NHS autism assessment service to return the Illuminations to their rightful position at the seaside, after the service’s aggressive overhead lighting was mistaken for the luminous tourist attraction, sources have revealed.
The Illuminations are five miles long and use over one million bulbs, yet they have reportedly been dwarfed by the dazzling glare of NHS therapy rooms. Visitors to the annual lights display have requested a referral from their GP instead, since the autism service offers a more spectacular show.
Service manager Dr. Deborah Whitehead has replied to the city of Blackpool, in the style of St. Paul writing to the Corinthians. Sources claim that she penned this response in a room with a large window on a sunny day, but nonetheless she felt the need to whack the big light on and sit in the glare of it like a lizard.
“We like our patients to feel that they’re being stabbed in the eyeballs with kebab skewers while they complete the sensory profiling tool,” Whitehead wrote. “We find that it helps to make them as uncomfortable as possible while we advise them on how to be less uncomfortable.”
It is rumoured that patients attending appointments at the service are leaving the building noticeably taller, amid speculation that they may have begun to photosynthesise.
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