An autistic woman has made just one resolution for 2026 – to be as much of a menace as possible, sources have revealed.
Ffiona Maw, 36, considered learning Spanish or joining the gym next year, but decided instead to quit suppressing her authentic self in a bid to make people like her. She anticipates that this will be a major inconvenience for the neurotypicals in her life, who only know her as a meek, submissive doormat.
She said: “This year, I’m going to be honest, speak up for my needs and stop trying to please everyone. As an autistic woman, that will 100% turn me into a social pariah, but, honestly? I didn’t like half of these chumps to begin with.”
Maw has already planned responses to common requests from friends, family and colleagues. “Next time work makes us go on a team-building day, I’ll tell them the truth: that despite what the CEO says, we’re not a family, and I can’t muster the level of delusion that would allow me to believe that we are.”
Paul Shinter, Maw’s brother, said: “I asked her to babysit my sons and she told me she’d rather pickle herself in brine.”
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