Mentally rehearsing arguments that will never happen is sure to serve you well at some point, sources have claimed.

Your brain has reportedly acted as an arena for a never-ending series of hypothetical conflicts since you were young. In nearly every case, your imaginary sparring partners have never actually been upset with you in real life, but it’d probably be wise not to stop now – just in case it eventually proves useful to have some eloquent comebacks up your sleeve.

You said: “I’m historically bad at arguments, and I always think someone’s upset with me, so the only thing I can do is make sure I’m prepared for whatever people have to throw at me. I’ve dreamed up devastating coups de grâce to end a successful verbal confrontation, which will work perfectly as long as the other person follows the script.”

Your housemate said: “Who ate my crisps? I was saving those!”

You said: “Well, first of all – blargaghaghghagh!”

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