The otherwise calm life of the last “neurotypical” person on the planet to like Sonic the Hedgehog has become increasingly disturbed by the ominous sound of ticking, according to reports.

Deborah Whitehead, 39, whose hobbies include playing Sonic the Hedgehog, thinking about playing Sonic the Hedgehog, and listening to podcasts about long-dead comics about Sonic the Hedgehog, reportedly claims to be neurotypical, but recently began to hear what sounded like an enormous clock counting down towards something. 

“It was like the sound of sand falling through a timer. A bit like the part of Sandopolis Zone with all the ghosts, sand, and timers,” said Whitehead, referencing the 1994 videogame Sonic and Knuckles for the fifth time in that one conversation.

“I don’t know what it could mean,” Whitehead continued. “What could it possibly be counting down towards? All my friends keep telling me that they know what’s going on, which doesn’t surprise me, as all my friends are autistic and they’re all good at pattern-spotting, but they just won’t tell me!”

At the time of writing, the hallucinatory auditory ultimatum had reportedly become so bad that Whitehead was unable to finish lining up all her Sonic cuddly toys to say goodnight to them in order of first appearance in the franchise history, a completely normal activity that she has undertaken without fail since she was six years old.

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