A neurodivergent household in which individuals have differing sensory needs is a situation that can only end in some sort of four-way duel, experts have warned.

The warning came after residents of a suburban dwelling in Nottingham recently reported an ambulance permanently parked outside their front door, as if on standby for the inevitable bloodbath.

Housemate Dexter Livingstone, 30, reportedly needs a steady stream of background noise, while Emma Bernard, 28, can only be comfortable in the sort of silence that one might find on a monastic retreat in Antarctica. Neither can tolerate earplugs or headphones. 

Bernard commented: “Dexter is a good friend who’s seen me through some really tough times, but if he puts on another fucking podcast I swear I will build a catapult and pitch him directly into the sun.”

Meanwhile, housemate Noah Michaels, 26, commented: “It’s a nightmare. I’ve been repeatedly criticised for whacking up the thermostat, but I only do it because feeling even slightly chilly gives me the sensation that my skin is crawling away.”

Housemate Mary Walker, 33, an artist and a martyr to underboob sweat, recently exhibited a series of paintings, all of which depict a figure who looks uncannily like Michaels being torn apart by various wild animals – a fact that she swears is just a coincidence. 

Anthropologist Professor Graeme Hart, who first raised the alarm, said: “We should all be concerned, but I must admit it’s grimly fascinating to watch. A bit like The Hunger Games. The whole department is on tenterhooks to see who will snap first. Colleagues have started taking bets.”

“The only thing that’s preventing it right now is the housemates’ collective aversion to blood.”

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