New Year’s resolution! Autistic person proposes Meet-Free Mondays
An autistic person has confirmed their New Year’s resolution is adopting “Meet-Free Mondays”, according to reports. Jay Chester, 34, from Preston, said: “I’ve gave up eating animals ages ago. This is about me enjoying my Richmond meat-free sausages in a solitary space where nobody else...
“No, but really!” Autistic woman only person whose negative self-talk is true
An autistic woman is the only person in the world whose negative self-talk is based in reality, said autistic woman has announced. Beth Hapworth, 37, recognises that imposter syndrome is a thing – but has explained that she doesn’t have it, as she is, in...
Autistic woman interprets work Secret Santa as gross misunderstanding of her core self
An autistic woman has been left feeling betrayed and “deeply misperceived” after receiving a secret Santa gift from a colleague, according to reports. Emma Bernard, 31, from Cheshire, was appalled to open a baby-pink mug emblazoned with the slogan “Positive Vibes Only” – which immediately...
Autistic hypnotist: “look around my eyes”
An autistic hypnotist has reasonably adjusted his job role by masking his lack of eye contact with clever trickery, it has been rumoured. Anand Trivedi, 49, manages to avoid making eye contact with his subjects by looking between, or around, their eyeballs. Trivedi explained: “They...
Productive! Autistic woman spends entire work day perfecting email sign-off
An autistic woman has spent the best part of six-and-a-half hours drafting a work email – and is reportedly still at it, sources have claimed. Beth Hapworth, 29, from Barnsley, has concluded the way to appear “normal” in all written exchanges is by microanalysing every...
Society to consider taking insanely accomplished autistic woman seriously
Society has promised to have a “proper think” about taking an autistic woman with a ludicrous number of achievements seriously, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 34, who is a bestselling author, BAFTA-winning screenwriter and Nobel Prize winner, was reportedly delighted to discover that her...
Inspiring! Autistic woman dedicates entire life to pointing out typos
In an altruistic move, an autistic woman has quit her job as an orthodontist to become a full-time corrector of other people’s mistakes. Emma Bernard, 38, first took up pedantry as a hobby, but has recently decided that life is too short not to spend...
Tragic! Autistic woman dies after making wildly inappropriate joke
An autistic woman has died on her arse following yet another gag unsuitable for her workplace, it has been confirmed. Niamh Montague, 29, from Hull, was sitting in the shared office during the Friday afternoon conversation – which had previously included topics such as Tricia...
Autistic woman fine with horror films freaked out by terse sounding email
An autistic woman who can cope with the head-spinning scene from The Exorcist (1973) has been left fearing for her life after receiving an email response that seemed a little clipped, according to reports. Sources say Siobhan Moorton, 31, spotted the message in her inbox...
Boss who accommodates autism also suggests dropping it off at nursery
Worried about bringing your autism to the office? A local employer has come up with a genius solution, reports confirm. Paige Thomas, 29, from Ormskirk, had initially feared her adult autism diagnosis wouldn’t be welcome at her place of work. Fortunately, though, her new line...
