Hereditary! Autism picks off family one by one
An alleged curse has seen each member of a family realising they are autistic in turn, sources have claimed. Following the death of family matriarch Lottie Fitzgerald, her son Lloyd, Lloyd’s wife Talia and their children, Noah and Kelsey, have been led to suspect she...
Argh! Autistic woman starts conversation she doesn’t want to finish
An autistic woman has accidentally started a conversation she doesn’t have the spoons to continue, loved ones have claimed. Brenda Hernández, 34, reportedly made a passing comment to her mother, Lucia Ruiz, 58, about wishing she could install air con in her rented property, prompting...
Mum gearing up for another year of getting special interest birthday present wrong
An autistic woman’s mother is planning another birthday present reflecting her daughter’s special interest back at her completely incorrectly, it has been rumoured. Tricia Squire, 65, really is trying, bless her, but hasn’t really understood what it is her daughter likes about witchcraft and has...
Autistic woman happy to be godmother unless it means interacting with child
An autistic woman would love to be godmother to your child as long as she doesn’t have to actually do anything for her, sources have said. Miya Wilkes, 35, makes sure to politely enquire after your daughter whenever the two of you catch up, but...
Shock! Autistic woman’s mother hasn’t commented on diet, clothes or lifestyle yet
An autistic woman’s mother has aroused shock and suspicion after going five minutes without a single comment about her daughter’s life choices, eyewitnesses have claimed. Natasha Weaving, 34, met her mother Christine, 65, for brunch, expecting all manner of commentary on her hastily thrown-together outfit,...
“Spoiled” autistic child would rather not be in constant sensory hell
An “overly pampered” autistic child would prefer to not feel like everything is perpetually flashing, screeching and smacking her directly in the brain, sources have confirmed. Six-year-old Mary Walker, who flies into inexplicable rages when everything in her immediate environment goes bleepy bloopy bleep blorp,...
“My fault?” Mum determined to make your autism diagnosis all about her
Your mother is determined to make your late autism diagnosis all about herself somehow, it has been announced. Tricia Squire, 54, has reportedly decided to process your life-changing news by listing everything she remembers eating during her pregnancy 30 years ago and querying if “maybe...
Missing! AuDHD family devastated after beloved household money runs away
An AuDHD family has reportedly been left bereft after their household money mysteriously ran away, like a wayward pet. Parents of two, Dexter and Paige Livingstone, both 39, tried to take good care of their money and give it the best possible life in a...
Kids think they’re autistic because of social contagion, says mum who wants hers to catch measles
Children are catching autism from other kids, according to a mother who took her own offspring to a measles party. Karen Hoyland, 35, who believes both vaccines and having friends cause autism, actively encourages her six-year-old son Finley to get potentially deadly measles for reasons...
Eccentric dad has “no idea” where you got your autism from
Your dad, the most singularly unique individual you’ve ever met, reportedly has no idea where you got your autism from. Perhaps best known for helping to bring you into the world, your father owns seven identical shirts, shouts at people for eating crisps within earshot,...