Autistic woman in need of therapy as long as she continues having parents
An autistic woman is expected to need therapy for as long as she continues having parents, it has been reported. Ellie Mulligan, 29, has been going to therapy ever since she learned that other people don’t feel terrible all the time. Although she has made...
Heroes! Parents who love autistic child eagerly await medal
Self-described “autism parents” who “love their child with autism” have reportedly been left disappointed after discovering there’s no medal for loving your own offspring. Graeme and Karen Hoyland, both 38, have insisted that they wouldn’t change seven-year-old Finley Rice for the world – “even though...
Outrage! Woman’s neurotype that explains entire life is her whole personality
An autistic woman has allegedly bored friends and family members to tears after “making autism her entire personality”, say reports. Beth Haworth, 29, from Chester, was diagnosed six months ago – and hasn’t stopped obsessively researching her lifelong autistic brain on the Internet ever since....
Study finds autistic child refusing to smile simply unamused
New evidence has uncovered the most likely reason why autistic children don’t grin back at you — they simply think you’re dull. Behavioural experts have been monitoring Lottie Fitzgerald, three, who had remained stony faced throughout her parents’ attempts to entertain her. The couple from...
Crisis report! Family just won’t leave
In a recent alarming report, even though Christmas is over, your extended family is refusing to depart the premises. Despite autistic people supposedly having a reputation for not cottoning on to social cues, it’s your neurotypical Aunt Alma currently missing multiple hints that her presence...
Racist, sexist, homophobic aunt reveals she’s branching out into ableism this Christmas
A racist, sexist and homophobic aunt has announced plans to branch out into ableism in time for Christmas, according to sources. Alma Montague, 46, realised that her bigoted tirades at family gatherings
were excluding her autistic niece, 17 year-old Freya Emerson. In
preparation for Christmas...
Festive dating! Autistic woman finds unhealthy father figure to replicate trauma with
A straight autistic woman who seeks out unhealthy father figures in her romantic life has found the perfect jolly, yet mercurial older man to trigger her complex PTSD, it has been rumoured. Sarah Harrow, 29, who seeks out partners who are at least 20 years...
Autistic person asks to choose own family this Christmas
An autistic person has decided to select their own family for Christmas this year, sources have confirmed. Kit McGodden, 31, from Derby, ultimately came to the decision after years of drunken arguments with glass baubles being thrown, before their family of four ingested turkey in...
Autistic woman cast as villain in family drama
An autistic woman has expressed gratitude for “the role of a lifetime” having been cast as the main antagonist in her lifelong family drama, sources have revealed. Growing up, Paige Thomas, 31, from Dewsbury, was typecast as “spoiled” and “absolutely impossible to please” – despite...
Sweet! Family doesn’t hate you, just your autism
Your family doesn’t hate you – just the neurological blueprint that forms the basis for your entire personality, it has been confirmed. A spokesperson for your family said: “We accept you just as you are, but we also wish that you were different in every...
