Christmas miracle! Autistic woman’s family falling-out might be for good this time
An autistic woman may, thankfully, never have to speak to her family again after an especially juicy festive falling-out, according to sources. A perfect storm of births, deaths and marriages has meant that 34-year-old Ellie Mulligan’s family has reached a critical mass of gay siblings,...
Coded message? Relative buys gifts for the person she wishes you were
Your auntie Deborah has, once again, bought you a present featuring all the overly aggressive markers of femininity, despite the fact she’s met you on several occasions and – crucially – has eyes. You, 26, have never shown any interest in personal grooming, and approach...
Pahahaha! Autistic woman thinks she’s going to rise above family drama this Christmas
An autistic woman really, truly, honestly believes she’s going to stay out of whatever fuckery her family pulls this Christmas, it has been rumoured. Siobhan Moorton, 42, has done all the therapy and inner-child work and is confident that nothing her family says or does...
Autistic child prodigy absolutely dunking on his talentless sister
An autistic child prodigy has successfully learned six languages, commenced his studies at NASA and inspired middle-aged Facebook aunts everywhere – and totally owned his comparatively mediocre sister, sources have said. Parents Karen and Robert Hapworth, had reportedly dreamed of having a little prodigy to...
Teenager aghast as mum’s autistic superpower is being even more embarrassing than a regular mum
A teenage girl is utterly mortified that her autistic mother continues to be all sorts of weird and sometimes even has the audacity to leave the house, sources have confirmed. Avery Mann, 14, insists that Sarah Mann, 47, walk six paces behind her in the...
Hereditary! Autism picks off family one by one
An alleged curse has seen each member of a family realising they are autistic in turn, sources have claimed. Following the death of family matriarch Lottie Fitzgerald, her son Lloyd, Lloyd’s wife Talia and their children, Noah and Kelsey, have been led to suspect she...
Argh! Autistic woman starts conversation she doesn’t want to finish
An autistic woman has accidentally started a conversation she doesn’t have the spoons to continue, loved ones have claimed. Brenda Hernández, 34, reportedly made a passing comment to her mother, Lucia Ruiz, 58, about wishing she could install air con in her rented property, prompting...
Mum gearing up for another year of getting special interest birthday present wrong
An autistic woman’s mother is planning another birthday present reflecting her daughter’s special interest back at her completely incorrectly, it has been rumoured. Tricia Squire, 65, really is trying, bless her, but hasn’t really understood what it is her daughter likes about witchcraft and has...
Autistic woman happy to be godmother unless it means interacting with child
An autistic woman would love to be godmother to your child as long as she doesn’t have to actually do anything for her, sources have said. Miya Wilkes, 35, makes sure to politely enquire after your daughter whenever the two of you catch up, but...
Shock! Autistic woman’s mother hasn’t commented on diet, clothes or lifestyle yet
An autistic woman’s mother has aroused shock and suspicion after going five minutes without a single comment about her daughter’s life choices, eyewitnesses have claimed. Natasha Weaving, 34, met her mother Christine, 65, for brunch, expecting all manner of commentary on her hastily thrown-together outfit,...
