“I grieve the loss of my autistic child” says mother of boy stolen by giant squid
A mother is grieving the loss of her son — not because he was dragged to the depths of the ocean by a rare sea creature, but because he had autism. Noah Michaels, 12, was snatched on a boat trip during a family holiday last...
Autistic relationship begins with more complex negotiations than Brexit deal
A new romantic relationship between two autistic people has begun with a round-table summit involving a team of highly paid lawyers and an elaborate set of oddly specific terms, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 38, and Dexter Livingstone, 45, who are both autistic, decided...
Autistic woman calls in sick to friendship
An autistic woman currently unwell with a summer cold has spent the day apologising to friends for being a bit quieter than usual, it has been rumoured. Pippa Durham, 26, considers her closest friendship to be a full-time job, and dutifully let Alma Montague, 28,...
Becky’s passive-aggressive Instagram story triggers global RSD crisis
A woman’s cryptically narky Instagram story has set off every neurodivergent person in the world’s rejection sensitive dysphoria, the government has confirmed. Becky Armitage, 42, posted the following mysterious rant to the social media platform: “Some people are seriously self-absorbed. Get over yourselves #Toxic.” University...
Meant to be! This dating website matches autistic singles with inevitable sociopath
A new dating website has launched with the aim of pairing lonely autistics with the sociopath that would have eventually sniffed them out anyway. A spokesperson for Unhinge, Graeme Hart, said: “Our process is very simple. You take a quick quiz when you sign up...
Woman who told depressed friend to “reach out” didn’t mean to HER
A woman who told her clinically depressed autistic friend to reach out if she felt bad meant for her to reach out to someone else, it has been confirmed. Karen Hoyland, 38, told Emma Bernard, 34, that she should “talk to someone about these feelings,”...
Helpful mum LOVES commenting on daughter’s eating habits
A mother’s favourite pastime is commenting on her adult autistic daughter’s eating habits “out of concern for her wellbeing,” reports have indicated. Liz Thomas, 54, from Huyton – who was recently heard describing 0% fat soya yogurt as “moreish” – is horrified that her daughter,...
Autistic woman “supporting close friend through hard time” actually thinking of TV character
An autistic woman whose emotional resources have been depleted by “holding space for a loved one” is actually referring to Toadie from the Australian soap opera, Neighbours. Freya Emerson, 33, has become increasingly concerned for Jarrod “Toadfish” Rebecchi since he recently started exhibiting erratic behaviour...
Autistic woman conducts forensic investigation into why you’re mad at her
An autistic woman plans to leave no stone unturned in her investigation into why you were a bit off with her, it has been claimed. Sarah Harrow, 25, couldn’t help but notice you seemed a bit short with her and has attributed this change in...
“We want the best for them” say anti-vaxxers who named kids Meadow and Sunbeam
A couple who are afraid vaccines will give their children autism, causing them to have a harder time in life, has also given them both really fucking silly names, it has been confirmed. Karen and Graeme Hoyland, both 43, who are terrified their children will...
