Autistic woman hides crush by just being weird with everybody
An autistic woman has identified a foolproof way of obscuring her romantic feelings – by ensuring every encounter is as sufficiently weird as the last one. And according to Paige Thomas, 29, from Stockport – she’s never even had to try. “I just behave strangely...
Crisis report! Family just won’t leave
In a recent alarming report, even though Christmas is over, your extended family is refusing to depart the premises. Despite autistic people supposedly having a reputation for not cottoning on to social cues, it’s your neurotypical Aunt Alma currently missing multiple hints that her presence...
Racist, sexist, homophobic aunt reveals she’s branching out into ableism this Christmas
A racist, sexist and homophobic aunt has announced plans to branch out into ableism in time for Christmas, according to sources. Alma Montague, 46, realised that her bigoted tirades at family gatherings
were excluding her autistic niece, 17 year-old Freya Emerson. In
preparation for Christmas...
Festive dating! Autistic woman finds unhealthy father figure to replicate trauma with
A straight autistic woman who seeks out unhealthy father figures in her romantic life has found the perfect jolly, yet mercurial older man to trigger her complex PTSD, it has been rumoured. Sarah Harrow, 29, who seeks out partners who are at least 20 years...
Autistic person asks to choose own family this Christmas
An autistic person has decided to select their own family for Christmas this year, sources have confirmed. Kit McGodden, 31, from Derby, ultimately came to the decision after years of drunken arguments with glass baubles being thrown, before their family of four ingested turkey in...
“Unfiltered” autistic woman actually thinking many atrocious things she’s not saying
An autistic woman described by colleagues as “totally unfiltered” actually, alarmingly does have a filter that’s catching a high proportion of her horrifying thoughts, it has been rumoured. Admin assistant Natasha Weaving, 23, has acquired a reputation for saying whatever is on her mind at...
Neurotypicals and autistics to compromise with medium talk
Allistic and autistic people have agreed to meet in the middle by engaging in medium talk, it has been announced. In a deal brokered by expert peace negotiators, questions such as “how are you?” will now be answered with “fine, thanks” and no more than...
Argh! Autistic woman can’t tell anyone how well she’s keeping secret
An autistic woman is reportedly “losing her fucking mind” due to being unable to tell anyone how competently she’s keeping a secret, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 40, who found out the freakiest shit about a friend’s husband, Jack Harrington, 45, has been sworn...
Autistic woman cast as villain in family drama
An autistic woman has expressed gratitude for “the role of a lifetime” having been cast as the main antagonist in her lifelong family drama, sources have revealed. Growing up, Paige Thomas, 31, from Dewsbury, was typecast as “spoiled” and “absolutely impossible to please” – despite...
I wasn’t bullied, says woman just playfully ostracised at school
An autistic woman who was regularly targeted by her entire class remains certain she wasn’t bullied in primary school, it has been confirmed. Paige Thomas, 29, from Preston, said: “Those years evoke such precious memories! Girls confronting me in the toilets, chasing me down corridors...
