Pahahaha! Autistic woman thinks she’s going to rise above family drama this Christmas
An autistic woman really, truly, honestly believes she’s going to stay out of whatever fuckery her family pulls this Christmas, it has been rumoured. Siobhan Moorton, 42, has done all the therapy and inner-child work and is confident that nothing her family says or does...
Talented! Autistic woman forgets everything about her partner just in time for gift-buying season
An autistic woman who has adored her partner for the best part of the last decade is tragically unable to convey her affection through the medium of gifts, sources have reported. Miya Wilkes, 31, can still recite the 15-digit code on the library card that...
Visit of beloved friend puts autistic man in three-day fight-or-flight spiral
An autistic man has been sent into an adrenaline-filled three-day fight-or-flight spiral in advance of seeing a beloved friend he has known for most of his life, sources have revealed. Noah Michaels, 43, has known his friend Ethan Stern, 44, since childhood, where they attended...
Have a nice day? Man with PDA determined to have a horrible day, thank you very much
An autistic man with PDA has resolved to have the worst day of his life after a customer service representative told him to ‘have a nice day’, sources have revealed. Aidan Michaels, 42, had spent a gruelling half hour on the phone to a utility...
Optimist! Maybe autistic woman will enjoy clubbing this time
An autistic woman who has never once enjoyed any form of noisy, crowded nightlife sincerely believes – for some reason – that she might like it this time, it has been rumoured. Ima Onwugbenu, 22, who likes peace, quiet and solitude, has reportedly inexplicably convinced...
Autistic woman’s “best friend” was not informed
An autistic woman’s best friend in the entire world has been completely unaware of her title this whole time, sources have said. Sabheen Bhatt, 19, reportedly considers Krista Shure, 20, her sister from another mister, but the first Shure heard of it was in a...
Solicitous question leads to existential dread
A perfectly innocent question has led to the complete unravelling of an autistic man’s sense of self, it has been claimed. Anand Trivedi, 32, was reportedly minding his own business, sitting quietly and contemplating unresolved maritime mysteries, when he was cruelly dragged from his favourite...
Autistic child prodigy absolutely dunking on his talentless sister
An autistic child prodigy has successfully learned six languages, commenced his studies at NASA and inspired middle-aged Facebook aunts everywhere – and totally owned his comparatively mediocre sister, sources have said. Parents Karen and Robert Hapworth, had reportedly dreamed of having a little prodigy to...
Autistic woman enters marriage of convenience with takeaway delivery driver
An autistic woman has entered into an advantageous marriage with the man who delivers her thrice-weekly takeaways, it has been revealed. Chi-Young Lee, 24, chose 30-year-old Aidan Michaels as her suitor after he became her personal knight in shining armour, riding in on his motorbike...
Alien vs. Predator just autistic woman’s dating history
An autistic woman has no desire to watch 2004’s Alien vs. Predator, as she has already lived the entire saga in her own romantic life, it has been confirmed. Krista Shure, 32, has no idea what the actual film is about, but does know what...
