Have a nice day? Man with PDA determined to have a horrible day, thank you very much
An autistic man with PDA has resolved to have the worst day of his life after a customer service representative told him to ‘have a nice day’, sources have revealed. Aidan Michaels, 42, had spent a gruelling half hour on the phone to a utility...
Optimist! Maybe autistic woman will enjoy clubbing this time
An autistic woman who has never once enjoyed any form of noisy, crowded nightlife sincerely believes – for some reason – that she might like it this time, it has been rumoured. Ima Onwugbenu, 22, who likes peace, quiet and solitude, has reportedly inexplicably convinced...
Autistic woman’s “best friend” was not informed
An autistic woman’s best friend in the entire world has been completely unaware of her title this whole time, sources have said. Sabheen Bhatt, 19, reportedly considers Krista Shure, 20, her sister from another mister, but the first Shure heard of it was in a...
Solicitous question leads to existential dread
A perfectly innocent question has led to the complete unravelling of an autistic man’s sense of self, it has been claimed. Anand Trivedi, 32, was reportedly minding his own business, sitting quietly and contemplating unresolved maritime mysteries, when he was cruelly dragged from his favourite...
Autistic child prodigy absolutely dunking on his talentless sister
An autistic child prodigy has successfully learned six languages, commenced his studies at NASA and inspired middle-aged Facebook aunts everywhere – and totally owned his comparatively mediocre sister, sources have said. Parents Karen and Robert Hapworth, had reportedly dreamed of having a little prodigy to...
Autistic woman enters marriage of convenience with takeaway delivery driver
An autistic woman has entered into an advantageous marriage with the man who delivers her thrice-weekly takeaways, it has been revealed. Chi-Young Lee, 24, chose 30-year-old Aidan Michaels as her suitor after he became her personal knight in shining armour, riding in on his motorbike...
Alien vs. Predator just autistic woman’s dating history
An autistic woman has no desire to watch 2004’s Alien vs. Predator, as she has already lived the entire saga in her own romantic life, it has been confirmed. Krista Shure, 32, has no idea what the actual film is about, but does know what...
Autistic woman doesn’t know how to tell boyfriend she wants to wear his skin without it sounding weird
An autistic woman overwhelmed with love for her boyfriend isn’t sure how to express that love without sounding like Hannibal Lecter, sources have said. Abeer Zaki, 28, loves Cameron Brereton, 32, more than life itself, but no words seem sufficient to tell him how much...
Teenager aghast as mum’s autistic superpower is being even more embarrassing than a regular mum
A teenage girl is utterly mortified that her autistic mother continues to be all sorts of weird and sometimes even has the audacity to leave the house, sources have confirmed. Avery Mann, 14, insists that Sarah Mann, 47, walk six paces behind her in the...
Autistic Jack Torrance goes crazy due to all play and no work
An autistic writer has become severely mentally unwell, as the peaceful, quiet, work environment he was promised has turned out to be an overstimulating social whirl which has prevented him from getting any work done on his manuscript. Jack Torrance, 30, a former teacher turned...
