“So nice of you to finally join us” guarantees autistic teen will never be seen again
An autistic boy who was greeted by his family with a sarcastic “so nice of you to finally join us” is reportedly planning to spend the rest of his adolescence barricaded in his room. 15-year-old Naveed Azkhat thought he’d pop downstairs after catching a promising...
Help! Parents running out of euphemisms for undiagnosed autistic child
A couple are becoming increasingly unhinged in the language that they use to describe their daughter, who is obviously autistic but must never, ever, ever be named as such, according to sources. Becky and Lloyd Didcot, 39 and 41, feel that an autism diagnosis carries...
“This party’s a bit shit, isn’t it?”: the sexiest things you can say to your autistic partner, ranked
If you’ve got an autistic partner, chances are their raw sexual magnetism makes it hard to think about anything other than jumping their vitamin-D-deficient bones. But if you’re looking to spice things up in a way that won’t aggravate your paramour’s gut issues, The Daily...
Autistic woman’s flirting “visible from space” confirms NASA
Astronauts working on the International Space Station were dazzled by a sudden burst of flirting so bright that it briefly illuminated most of Shropshire, NASA has reported. The rare phenomenon was spotted by astronaut Paige Thomas, 38, who initially thought the disturbance in the atmosphere...
Hell yeah! Undiagnosed parents really killing it with the casual ableism lately
An autistic woman’s undiagnosed parents have really been smashing the internalised-ableism-fuelled microaggressions lately, sources have said. Mary Moorton, 60, has reportedly been incredible at asking 30-year-old daughter Siobhan whether she’ll be able to cope “with the big wide world” even though she can’t touch dirty...
Autistic man dumped after failing to purchase piece of red cardboard
An autistic man has been dumped by his girlfriend after he neglected to buy her a red rectangle of cardboard on February 14th, it has been announced. Dexter Livingstone, 26, who also failed to obtain a bunch of dead plants wrapped in cellophane, or a...
Gift of teddy bear holding giant love heart could honestly mean anything
The gift of a teddy bear holding a massive fuck-off plush heart on Valentine’s Day could honestly be interpreted in a number of ways, according to you. Although you reportedly understand that the bear, a golden-furred little fellow with a squidgy velvet heart stitched to...
Autistic woman’s support network consists of friends doing equally badly
An autistic woman’s social support mostly comes from people who are just as fucked as she is, eyewitnesses have said. Paige Thomas, 29, has reportedly formed a network of people she can lean on in troubled times, despite the fact that they are all as...
Polyamorous AuDHD woman torn between love of partners and hatred of admin
A polyamorous woman with two partners and AuDHD has found herself caught in a constant battle between the deep love and affection she has for her partners, and the equally deep fear and loathing she has for having to do any admin, eyewitnesses have said....
Win friends and influence people! Five of the best pigeon-themed vocal stims
Nothing attracts new friends and lovers quite like sudden and alarming vocal stims. Here are five of our pigeon-themed favourites. Shouting “PIGEON!” Keep it simple, keep it loud. Best done when others are least expecting it. The perfect way to wake up your sweetie when...
