Outrage! Woman’s neurotype that explains entire life is her whole personality
An autistic woman has allegedly bored friends and family members to tears after “making autism her entire personality”, say reports. Beth Haworth, 29, from Chester, was diagnosed six months ago – and hasn’t stopped obsessively researching her lifelong autistic brain on the Internet ever since....
Study finds autistic child refusing to smile simply unamused
New evidence has uncovered the most likely reason why autistic children don’t grin back at you — they simply think you’re dull. Behavioural experts have been monitoring Lottie Fitzgerald, three, who had remained stony faced throughout her parents’ attempts to entertain her. The couple from...
Only non-dyspraxic in autistic friend group tasked with opening all the crisps
The only non-dyspraxic person in an autistic friendship group has been officially appointed Chief Crisp Packet Opener, it has been announced. Dexter Livingstone, 28, nicknamed Dextrous Dexter for his ability to use his fingers without somehow instigating a nuclear meltdown, has also been tasked with...
Autistic woman’s favourite part of sex is her bra coming off
An autistic woman has revealed that her favourite part of sex is the bit where her horrible itchy bra gets removed. Miya Wilkes, 28, from Durham, enjoys the rest of sex just fine – but has to stop herself instantly climaxing from the sheer relief...
You’re not like other girls! Neurotypical man unaware that you’re worse
A neurotypical man has recently voiced his belief that you’re “not like other girls” – seemingly unaware that you’re worse. Lloyd Didcot, 34, expressed the sentiment during the worst Hinge date of your life, in which he forced you to sit at one of the...
Cute! Autistic best friends take turns to have mental health crises
A pair of autistic best friends have been described as “adorable” for their habit of alternating their respective mental health crises, it has been reported. Kelsey Dacey, 27 and Becky Armitage, 29, have implemented a relay-race system to ensure that only one of them is...
Autistic woman hides crush by just being weird with everybody
An autistic woman has identified a foolproof way of obscuring her romantic feelings – by ensuring every encounter is as sufficiently weird as the last one. And according to Paige Thomas, 29, from Stockport – she’s never even had to try. “I just behave strangely...
Crisis report! Family just won’t leave
In a recent alarming report, even though Christmas is over, your extended family is refusing to depart the premises. Despite autistic people supposedly having a reputation for not cottoning on to social cues, it’s your neurotypical Aunt Alma currently missing multiple hints that her presence...
Racist, sexist, homophobic aunt reveals she’s branching out into ableism this Christmas
A racist, sexist and homophobic aunt has announced plans to branch out into ableism in time for Christmas, according to sources. Alma Montague, 46, realised that her bigoted tirades at family gatherings
were excluding her autistic niece, 17 year-old Freya Emerson. In
preparation for Christmas...
Festive dating! Autistic woman finds unhealthy father figure to replicate trauma with
A straight autistic woman who seeks out unhealthy father figures in her romantic life has found the perfect jolly, yet mercurial older man to trigger her complex PTSD, it has been rumoured. Sarah Harrow, 29, who seeks out partners who are at least 20 years...
