Autistic woman agonising over croissant pun or painfully sincere Valentine’s card
An autistic woman is reportedly debating between a seriously unfunny joke or an earnestly heartfelt Valentine’s Day card, it has been rumoured. Beth Hapworth, 32, from Elton, has spent three hours and 42 minutes despairing in the stationery aisle of her local Tesco Express, due...
Autistic woman playing hard to get holds off texting crush for agonising four minutes
An autistic woman attempting to appear cool and unattainable has reportedly restrained herself from texting her crush for an agonising four minutes (if you round up from three minutes 51 seconds). Miya Wilkes, 26, put a number of measures in place to ensure she didn’t...
New autistic acquaintances in dangerous game of oversharing chicken
A pair of newly introduced autistic acquaintances have entered a perilous standoff over who will be the first to reveal they’re actually a little freak, it has been rumoured. Ever since they met in an online autism group two weeks ago, Emma Bernard, 27, and...
Feminist boyfriend totally fine with autistic girlfriend being a crazy bitch
A self-proclaimed feminist man has reassured his autistic girlfriend that he supports her right to be batshit crazy at all times, it has been revealed. Jack Harrington, 30, totally acknowledges his privilege of being a man – especially as he is unencumbered by the lady...
Outrage! Woman’s neurotype that explains entire life is her whole personality
An autistic woman has allegedly bored friends and family members to tears after “making autism her entire personality”, say reports. Beth Haworth, 29, from Chester, was diagnosed six months ago – and hasn’t stopped obsessively researching her lifelong autistic brain on the Internet ever since....
Study finds autistic child refusing to smile simply unamused
New evidence has uncovered the most likely reason why autistic children don’t grin back at you — they simply think you’re dull. Behavioural experts have been monitoring Lottie Fitzgerald, three, who had remained stony faced throughout her parents’ attempts to entertain her. The couple from...
Only non-dyspraxic in autistic friend group tasked with opening all the crisps
The only non-dyspraxic person in an autistic friendship group has been officially appointed Chief Crisp Packet Opener, it has been announced. Dexter Livingstone, 28, nicknamed Dextrous Dexter for his ability to use his fingers without somehow instigating a nuclear meltdown, has also been tasked with...
Autistic woman’s favourite part of sex is her bra coming off
An autistic woman has revealed that her favourite part of sex is the bit where her horrible itchy bra gets removed. Miya Wilkes, 28, from Durham, enjoys the rest of sex just fine – but has to stop herself instantly climaxing from the sheer relief...
You’re not like other girls! Neurotypical man unaware that you’re worse
A neurotypical man has recently voiced his belief that you’re “not like other girls” – seemingly unaware that you’re worse. Lloyd Didcot, 34, expressed the sentiment during the worst Hinge date of your life, in which he forced you to sit at one of the...
Cute! Autistic best friends take turns to have mental health crises
A pair of autistic best friends have been described as “adorable” for their habit of alternating their respective mental health crises, it has been reported. Kelsey Dacey, 27 and Becky Armitage, 29, have implemented a relay-race system to ensure that only one of them is...
