Autistic people are faking it for benefits, says man who thinks government wants to make him rich
A local man believes autistic people are “faking it” in a bid to take away the abundant riches promised to him by the government, sources have said. Paul Shinter, 49, says that the UK government has lots of cash it wants to distribute to the...
Autistic person who doesn’t normally go for conspiracy theories approves of Starmer’s plan to dim sun
An autistic person who would usually be the first to debunk conspiracy theories would actually be curious to hear more about Keir Starmer’s plan to dim the sun, sources have claimed. Neuroscientist Jay Chester, 38, is reportedly quick to point out the logical flaws inherent...
Neurotypical man wows world by speaking continuously about special interest for 25 hours
Headline by Jon Halling A man has been hailed as a “hero” after spending 25 straight hours infodumping about his special interest, despite the disadvantage of his neurotypicalism. Senator Cory Booker, 55, broke the record for the longest senate speech, in a move autistics worldwide...
“Everything we don’t like is on the spectrum” decide neurotypicals
Neurotypicals have helpfully decided that everything they dislike must be “on the spectrum,” it has been announced. Neurotypicals said: “That guy being a bit of a tosser? Probably on the spectrum.” “Nazis? Definitely on the spectrum,” they continued. “That mass murderer?” They added. “Seems pretty...
Sporty autistic begins life in exile
An autistic person who recently started exercising by choice has been cast out by their own people, according to reports. Freya Emerson, 31, from Cheetham, made the shock decision to “take up jogging” three months ago in the hope that it would “really help with...
Nation to receive emergency alert if autistic woman plans to apologise
The government is set to test a national emergency message that will alert the public if an autistic woman plans to apologise to them for no reason. Emma Bernard, 41, has previously sprung “awkward and unnecessary” apologies on friends, colleagues and passers by, with no...
