Country with bullet vending machines makes preventing autism a priority
Headline by Sarah Amero A country that distributes bullets like they’re chocolate bars has decided that eradicating autism is one of its top priorities, it has been reported. The USA, where you can pick up eggs, milk and lethal ammunition in the same supermarket run,...
Seems reasonable! Autistic woman tasks self with fixing whole world
An autistic woman has set herself the entirely feasible task of singlehandedly fixing all the ills of the world, her loved ones have claimed. Ima Onwugbenu, 35, a librarian from Cheshire, has reportedly decided that she is personally responsible for ending capitalism, famine, genocide, climate...
Missing! “Autistic sense of justice” nowhere to be found when it’s time to talk about race
A woman’s “autistic sense of justice” has been reported missing after it failed to appear when it was time to talk about racism in the autistic community, sources have said. Beth Hapworth, 26, uses her online platform to advocate for “all autistic people”, in the...
Every parent’s worst nightmare! Could your child be neurotypical?
Autistic parents have been warned to be vigilant for signs that their child could be afflicted with Neurotypical Spectrum Disorder, or NSD. Speaking in front of a parliamentary group, paediatrician Liz McHodge, 45, explained, “The causes of NSD are not yet fully understood. Some people...
Government to “reform” support for autistic children in schools by just scrapping it all together
New proposals to overhaul special needs education for autistic and disabled children are set to remove the right to an education, health and care plan (EHCP) in favour of a new model, in which children are simply told to get the fuck on with it,...
Autistic people are faking it for benefits, says man who thinks government wants to make him rich
A local man believes autistic people are “faking it” in a bid to take away the abundant riches promised to him by the government, sources have said. Paul Shinter, 49, says that the UK government has lots of cash it wants to distribute to the...
Autistic person who doesn’t normally go for conspiracy theories approves of Starmer’s plan to dim sun
An autistic person who would usually be the first to debunk conspiracy theories would actually be curious to hear more about Keir Starmer’s plan to dim the sun, sources have claimed. Neuroscientist Jay Chester, 38, is reportedly quick to point out the logical flaws inherent...
Neurotypical man wows world by speaking continuously about special interest for 25 hours
Headline by Jon Halling A man has been hailed as a “hero” after spending 25 straight hours infodumping about his special interest, despite the disadvantage of his neurotypicalism. Senator Cory Booker, 55, broke the record for the longest senate speech, in a move autistics worldwide...
“Everything we don’t like is on the spectrum” decide neurotypicals
Neurotypicals have helpfully decided that everything they dislike must be “on the spectrum,” it has been announced. Neurotypicals said: “That guy being a bit of a tosser? Probably on the spectrum.” “Nazis? Definitely on the spectrum,” they continued. “That mass murderer?” They added. “Seems pretty...
Sporty autistic begins life in exile
An autistic person who recently started exercising by choice has been cast out by their own people, according to reports. Freya Emerson, 31, from Cheetham, made the shock decision to “take up jogging” three months ago in the hope that it would “really help with...
