Pick your battles! Autistic person struggling to narrow it down, to be honest
An autistic person who vowed to pick their battles is reportedly frozen with indecision over which of their many important battles to let go of. Des Ackerman, 30, has spent their entire life fighting all the good fights, only to be now be told to...
Streeting orders NHS to bolster workforce with the restless souls of the dead
Headline by Sarah Amero Health secretary Wes Streeting has announced plans to bully the NHS into giving him data on the nation’s deceased in order to get them out of their eternal resting places and back into the workforce. The measures, which are reportedly as...
Children with autism encouraged to “Hunger Games it out” for school support
The Government has announced a bold, innovative and low-key evil approach to SEND funding for school students, the Education Secretary revealed yesterday. As part of measures to protect the nation’s most valuable resource – its money – minister Karen Hoyland, 42, announced the construction of...
Human rights groups appalled as criminals sentenced to Christmas quiz on Microsoft Teams
Human rights organisations across the world have expressed outrage and dismay in the wake of a recent announcement that criminals can now be sentenced to participation in an hour-long festive quiz held over Microsoft Teams. The proposed solution to prison overcrowding was first put forward...
RFK who? Autistics announce plans to live best lives out of sheer spite
Autistic people have unveiled their plans to live the longest and happiest lives they possibly can out of sheer spite toward fascist losers with literal worms for brains. In a statement released today, the world’s autistic population explained that the more these couch-fucking, dog-barbecuing, anus-mouthed...
Streeting nervously twirling telephone cord hoping RFK Jr will finally return his calls
Wes Streeting is currently waiting by the phone hoping fellow health secretary Robert Francis Kennedy Jr has finally noticed what a special little evil boy he is, according to political sources. Streeting, whose Wikipedia page falsely asserts he was born “in 1983” instead of “yesterday”,...
“We can disagree and stay friends” says man who thinks you should be eugenicsed out of existence
A man who believes you can disagree on politics and “still love each other” also believes scientists should find out what caused you so someone like you never happens again, and you, personally, should be rounded up, it has been announced. Graeme Hart, 57, believes...
Country with bullet vending machines makes preventing autism a priority
Headline by Sarah Amero A country that distributes bullets like they’re chocolate bars has decided that eradicating autism is one of its top priorities, it has been reported. The USA, where you can pick up eggs, milk and lethal ammunition in the same supermarket run,...
Seems reasonable! Autistic woman tasks self with fixing whole world
An autistic woman has set herself the entirely feasible task of singlehandedly fixing all the ills of the world, her loved ones have claimed. Ima Onwugbenu, 35, a librarian from Cheshire, has reportedly decided that she is personally responsible for ending capitalism, famine, genocide, climate...
Missing! “Autistic sense of justice” nowhere to be found when it’s time to talk about race
A woman’s “autistic sense of justice” has been reported missing after it failed to appear when it was time to talk about racism in the autistic community, sources have said. Beth Hapworth, 26, uses her online platform to advocate for “all autistic people”, in the...
