Country with bullet vending machines makes preventing autism a priority
Headline by Sarah Amero A country that distributes bullets like they’re chocolate bars has decided that eradicating autism is one of its top priorities, it has been reported. The USA, where you can pick up eggs, milk and lethal ammunition in the same supermarket run,...
Boss who scheduled unspecified chat better actually be firing you after all this
Your boss, who emailed you at quarter to five on a Friday asking if you can come to their office for “a quick catch up” on Monday morning, better actually be shitcanning you after wrecking your entire weekend, you have announced. Tricia Squire, 48, reportedly...
Noise of extractor fan caused by devil grinding his toenails
Your kitchen cooker has been fitted with a small demon who is responsible for taking the smoky air out of the room and replacing it with the worst sound imaginable, sources have revealed. While feasting on smoke and cooking smells, the horrid little gremlin pares...
Two autistics making eye contact cause entire cosmos to shift
A pair of autistic lovers have caused a celestial disturbance following a “once-in-a-generation” ocular alignment, astrophysicists have said. Professor Natasha Weaving, who made the discovery, has reportedly been left “stunned” by the revelation that seemingly inconsequential human occurrences can materially alter the fabric of existence. ...
Seems reasonable! Autistic woman tasks self with fixing whole world
An autistic woman has set herself the entirely feasible task of singlehandedly fixing all the ills of the world, her loved ones have claimed. Ima Onwugbenu, 35, a librarian from Cheshire, has reportedly decided that she is personally responsible for ending capitalism, famine, genocide, climate...
Autistic woman’s one healthy food choice to justify many, many unhealthy ones
An autistic woman has announced plans to use her one healthy snack choice to “offset” her evening of eating junk food. Merve Öztürk, 25, who just begrudgingly ate one carrot, is now allowed to eat whatever the fuck she wants, because that’s definitely how nutrition...
Checkmate! Autistic woman finally leaves her therapist speechless
An autistic woman has finally left her therapist speechless with a trauma dump that even he is powerless to respond to, it has been reported. Navya Randhawa, 29, has been seeing therapist Ben Espenson, 55, for three years, in which time he has helped her...
Autistic woman finally free after running out of fucks to give
An autistic woman has been liberated from guilt, worry and an unending cycle of avoidable conflict by officially handing in her last fuck, it has been confirmed. Brenda Hernández, 45, who until recently had spent her life oscillating between fawning responses and explosive outbursts, issued...
Autistic man at networking event covertly edging towards buffet table
An autistic man at a networking event is hoping no one has noticed him quietly edging towards the buffet table, according to reports. By some accident of fate, 26-year-old Jack Harrington has found himself at a networking drinks for sales professionals. Although the other attendees...
Autistic man in hyperfocus fails to notice hunger, thirst or home robbery
An autistic man hyperfocusing on his special interest has failed to notice the passage of time, his basic bodily needs, and the gang of hoodlums ransacking his home, authorities have claimed. Jack Harrington, 42, who started building a homemade automatic plant-watering system earlier this morning,...
