Autistic woman finally perfects answering name call on class register
An autistic woman has finally nailed the art of answering the teacher calling her name on the morning register – despite having left school eight decades ago. Miya Wilkes, 96, from Tuebrook, insists that delivering a simple “here, Miss” in front of a class of...
Autistic woman conquers world after discovering allistics’ secret life handbook
An autistic woman has finally been given the keys to the kingdom after unearthing the elusive How to Person handbook the neurotypicals have been hiding from us, it has been announced. Beth Hapworth, 32, expressed relief at having her suspicions confirmed that everyone else was...
Autistic person asks to choose own family this Christmas
An autistic person has decided to select their own family for Christmas this year, sources have confirmed. Kit McGodden, 31, from Derby, ultimately came to the decision after years of drunken arguments with glass baubles being thrown, before their family of four ingested turkey in...
Autism assessment waiting list to be split into “naughty” and “nice”
The waiting list for NHS autism assessments is to be split into “naughty” and “nice”’” categories in time for Christmas, it has been reported. With waiting times for an assessment up to three years long in some parts of the country, the list has been...
“Unfiltered” autistic woman actually thinking many atrocious things she’s not saying
An autistic woman described by colleagues as “totally unfiltered” actually, alarmingly does have a filter that’s catching a high proportion of her horrifying thoughts, it has been rumoured. Admin assistant Natasha Weaving, 23, has acquired a reputation for saying whatever is on her mind at...
Autistic woman interprets work Secret Santa as gross misunderstanding of her core self
An autistic woman has been left feeling betrayed and “deeply misperceived” after receiving a secret Santa gift from a colleague, according to reports. Emma Bernard, 31, from Cheshire, was appalled to open a baby-pink mug emblazoned with the slogan “Positive Vibes Only” – which immediately...
Autistics to Boris Johnson: don’t even fucking think about it
Autistic people have issued a statement explaining to Boris Johnson that autism does not cause you to become a compulsively lying, law-breaking, nation-wrecking cunt. The statement encourages Johnson – who claimed in a Telegraph interview that he can be “a bit on the spectrum” –...
Autistic person sports itchy Christmas jumper for record time of 8.2 minutes
An autistic person has managed to keep a Christmas sweater on their body for record-breaking time of 8.2 minutes – or 492 seconds – according to reports. Jay Maw, 33, from Carlisle, has beaten the previous record of Robert Noot, 42, who wore his cashmere...
Gregg Wallace to clarify: “My autism is the sex pest”
Former Masterchef presenter, Gregg Wallace, is reportedly due to clarify that it is not him, but his autism, that is the sex pest, actually. Gregg Wallace – who probably first Googled “autism” some time last week despite having had an autistic son for the past...
“Why am I always so tired?” Asks autistic woman who exclusively eats pizza
An autistic woman who subsists entirely on a diet of dough, tomato and cheese has appealed for answers as to why she’s dead on her feet, it has been rumoured. Sarah Harrow, 37, is unfortunately too old to get away with eating like a student...
