Boyfriend indistinguishable from fidget toy
An autistic woman’s boyfriend reportedly does everything a fidget spinner can – and everything it can’t. Ryan Wilkins, 33, allegedly has many excellent qualities or something, but most importantly he is a portable collection of pleasing surfaces and textures that are fun to play with,...
Autistic man insists collection of holes held together by threads is “just a little worn”
Headline by John Butler A set of tattered rags loosely held together by fraying threads that no longer remotely resemble a hoodie still has “plenty of wear left”, an autistic man has claimed. Dexter Livingstone, 48, reportedly refuses to give up on the beloved garment,...
Advertorial: Autistic woman misdiagnosed with every mental illness under the sun finally correctly diagnosed as hilarious
A late-diagnosed autistic woman who spent an eventful few decades in mental-health services has been identified at last as a comedy writer, readers of her debut book, All My Worldly Joy, have discovered. The Daily Tism writer, Laura Richmond, 38, had never considered the possibility...
Autistic man sets reminder to nod during friend’s lengthy monologue
An autistic man listening to his friend’s tedious droning has surreptitiously set a reminder on his phone to remind him when to nod and smile, sources have revealed. Naveed Azkhat, 26, has reportedly finally discovered a conversation topic so dull that he’s had to resort...
“We’re a team that values honesty and direct communication” lies neurotypical job advert
A job advert written by a neurotypical HR manager is actually a big sack of stupid lies, sources have revealed. The advert, which claims that the company values honesty and direct communication, and “fosters a culture of respect and integrity” might as well have followed...
Autistic woman who “isn’t hungry” has a big storm coming
An autistic woman who claimed not to be hungry is about to receive the shock of her life, according to sources. Christine Smout, 37, has not eaten for hours, but, despite decades of experience, will reportedly not realise she needs to eat until the empty...
Autistic woman shocked to discover that house of horrors is actually a wellness spa
An autistic horror fan is reported to be astonished by the news that the immersive theatre horror experience she had signed up for was, supposedly, a “nourishing wellness retreat.” The mix-up began when Niamh Callaghan, 32, was invited by her sister-in-law, Kelsey Dacey, 34, to...
AuDHD man will never see beloved possessions again after “tidying up”
An AuDHD man has reportedly resigned himself to no longer ever seeing many of his most treasured belongings, or even remembering that they still exist, after moving them slightly out of his direct line of vision on the advice of his neurotypical friends. Gavin Monks,...
Happy new year? AuDHD man still looking for his Christmas lights
Headline by John Butler An AuDHD man who has been rummaging through his kitchen cupboards since Christmas Eve is confident his festive lights are in there somewhere and that he’ll find them any minute, eyewitnesses have said. Cameron Brereton, 35, who reportedly missed Christmas Day,...
Neurotypicals mark arbitrary passage of time with more fucking fireworks
Neurotypicals have reportedly decided to celebrate the same thing happening in the same way again by standing outside in the cold and watching ten minutes of fireworks soundtracked by We are the Champions before heading back inside and moving on completely. Speaking from a rooftop...
