Two autistics making eye contact cause entire cosmos to shift
A pair of autistic lovers have caused a celestial disturbance following a “once-in-a-generation” ocular alignment, astrophysicists have said. Professor Natasha Weaving, who made the discovery, has reportedly been left “stunned” by the revelation that seemingly inconsequential human occurrences can materially alter the fabric of existence. ...
Seems reasonable! Autistic woman tasks self with fixing whole world
An autistic woman has set herself the entirely feasible task of singlehandedly fixing all the ills of the world, her loved ones have claimed. Ima Onwugbenu, 35, a librarian from Cheshire, has reportedly decided that she is personally responsible for ending capitalism, famine, genocide, climate...
Autistic woman’s one healthy food choice to justify many, many unhealthy ones
An autistic woman has announced plans to use her one healthy snack choice to “offset” her evening of eating junk food. Merve Öztürk, 25, who just begrudgingly ate one carrot, is now allowed to eat whatever the fuck she wants, because that’s definitely how nutrition...
Checkmate! Autistic woman finally leaves her therapist speechless
An autistic woman has finally left her therapist speechless with a trauma dump that even he is powerless to respond to, it has been reported. Navya Randhawa, 29, has been seeing therapist Ben Espenson, 55, for three years, in which time he has helped her...
Autistic woman finally free after running out of fucks to give
An autistic woman has been liberated from guilt, worry and an unending cycle of avoidable conflict by officially handing in her last fuck, it has been confirmed. Brenda Hernández, 45, who until recently had spent her life oscillating between fawning responses and explosive outbursts, issued...
Autistic man at networking event covertly edging towards buffet table
An autistic man at a networking event is hoping no one has noticed him quietly edging towards the buffet table, according to reports. By some accident of fate, 26-year-old Jack Harrington has found himself at a networking drinks for sales professionals. Although the other attendees...
Autistic man in hyperfocus fails to notice hunger, thirst or home robbery
An autistic man hyperfocusing on his special interest has failed to notice the passage of time, his basic bodily needs, and the gang of hoodlums ransacking his home, authorities have claimed. Jack Harrington, 42, who started building a homemade automatic plant-watering system earlier this morning,...
Autistic woman’s dog attracts other people, sadly
An autistic woman loves her dog – but not the attention he attracts from other people, it has been reported. Tricia Squire, 34, walks her five-year-old Samoyed, Chewy, twice a day, attracting constant attention from people eager to delay Squire’s walk on the baseless assumption...
The Princess and the Pea actually about autistic woman and her weird bedtime snack
The Princess and the Pea, one of Hans Christian Andersen’s most popular and enduring fairytales, has long been misunderstood by fans and literary critics alike, scholars have claimed. Published in 1835, the tale was originally considered to teach children an important moral lesson: that posh...
Autistic woman owns three wearable outfits and 50 pipe-dreams
An autistic woman’s wardrobe consists of three things she can wear and about 50 she can’t, sources have said. Sabheen Bhatt, 25, describes herself as a “shoptimist” with a penchant for itchy jumpers, trousers that are impossible to eat in, and dresses that could only...
