Autistic Jack Torrance goes crazy due to all play and no work
An autistic writer has become severely mentally unwell, as the peaceful, quiet, work environment he was promised has turned out to be an overstimulating social whirl which has prevented him from getting any work done on his manuscript. Jack Torrance, 30, a former teacher turned...
Scientist’s attempt at creating sentient life backfires: “Oh, crap, I made him autistic”
A scientist’s attempt at playing God has gone awry after the man he reanimated turned out to be autistic, it has been revealed. Victor Frankenstein, 40, had managed to create life in the form of a grotesque humanoid figure, but realised he’d celebrated too early...
Hereditary! Autism picks off family one by one
An alleged curse has seen each member of a family realising they are autistic in turn, sources have claimed. Following the death of family matriarch Lottie Fitzgerald, her son Lloyd, Lloyd’s wife Talia and their children, Noah and Kelsey, have been led to suspect she...
Autistic woman merrily embracing spooky season unaware of seasonal depression crouched in the bushes
An autistic woman enjoying the early days of autumn is blissfully unaware that her seasonal depression is waiting to pounce, eyewitnesses have claimed. Sarah Harrow, 40, has spent the past few weeks enjoying the crunch of fallen leaves under her boots, drinking hot chocolate and...
Autistic couple keen to assert that neither of them is the big spoon
An autistic couple have issued a joint public statement clarifying that neither of them has ever been, currently are, or plan to be, the big spoon. Alix Gardner and Des Ackerman, both 29, held a press conference yesterday to assert that there is no room...
Audiences baffled as TV detective not even a little bit autistic
Crime drama fans have been left bewildered by Channel 4’s latest offering, which features a sleuth protagonist so neurotypical that he is completely unrecognisable as a detective, critics have claimed. Hart of the Matter stars Noah Michaels as Detective Inspector Graeme Hart. Hart describes himself...
Autistic woman can leave work toilets any time she fucking feels like it
An autistic woman hiding in a toilet cubicle at work can reportedly leave whenever she wants, alright? Alma Montague, 31, has merely taken a brief respite from her colleagues on the Sales team, just so she can briefly curse herself for taking a job in...
Brace! Plane crash actually less scary than nine hours in airborne tin of human sardines
An autistic person’s fear of flying has been misinterpreted as a fear of crashing, when in fact they had begun to feel that plummeting to almost certain death might be a blessed relief, sources have revealed. When Alix Gardner, 44, was seen crouched beside the...
AuDHD man’s gut issues the only thing standing between him and drinking hot sauce
An AuDHD man’s gut issues are the only reason he isn’t necking shots of hot sauce whenever he needs a little thrill, according to sources. Robert Noot, 24, is so understimulated by the act of eating a regular homecooked meal that he needs to douse...
Argh! Autistic woman starts conversation she doesn’t want to finish
An autistic woman has accidentally started a conversation she doesn’t have the spoons to continue, loved ones have claimed. Brenda Hernández, 34, reportedly made a passing comment to her mother, Lucia Ruiz, 58, about wishing she could install air con in her rented property, prompting...
